


Close Your Eyes (I Need To Feel Seen)

by coldcreation



Series: Let Me Try [7]
Category: Original Work
Genre: !!! Can’t believe I forgot that most important tag, A/B/O, Alpha/Alpha, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alpha/Omega, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Insticts, Animal Traits, Animalistic, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Biological Imprinting, Biology, Boyfriends, C-PTSD, Character Development, Character Study, Childhood Emotional Neglect, Childhood Trauma, Comfort, Communication, Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Conflict Home, Confusion, Dirty Talk, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, Exhaustion, Feels, First Kiss, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, Happy Ending, Healthy Relationships, Hurt, Imprinting, Indirect Emotional Abuse, Inexperience, Isolation, Kissing, Loneliness, Love, M/M, Made-Up Biology, Multi, Neglect, Nervousness, Non-Traditional Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Omega/Omega, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pack, Pack Dynamics, Pheromones, Polyamorous Pack, Polyamory, Polypack, Psychology, References to Depression, Repetitive Thinking, Sad bois, Scent Marking, Scenting, Scents & Smells, Self-Doubt, Self-Isolation, Social Anxiety, Surviving not thriving, This is going to be so much hurt comfort!, Touch-Starved, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Virginity, Worldbuilding, mental health, my fave!, negative self-talk, undiagnosed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2020-12-13 17:43:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 77,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21001640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coldcreation/pseuds/coldcreation
Summary: The rain kept going, the hum of it making everything sound just as dull and grey as the day looked. It matched how he felt most of the time.Or: How they meet (while Nathan looks for himself)-Part One: Complete! | 01/04/2020Part Two: WIP





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: 'No Action, All Feels' should be tattooed on my writing and also on my face. (Check end notes for more story rants.)
> 
> Thank! <3
> 
> -
> 
> This is original work. Please respect that, and do not touch the characters or the story in any way/post elsewhere. Thank you.

NATHAN

“- I talked her into joining the Union admins. She’s smart. Like, math-smart. Figured she could actually understand the budgets.”

Nathan played with the loose string hanging from the seam of his jeans. He kept looking down to his knees, quietly listening as the people behind him chatted. It felt a bit creepy, but without headphones he couldn’t really pretend he was doing something else to occupy himself. 

Nathan didn’t love the idea of stooping so low that he’d wear the dead headphones just to avoid feeling uncomfortable. His anxiety could piss off.

“Yes. Her _ budgeting _skills. Uh-huh,” the first guy got teased. 

The group laughed goodnaturedly, and Nathan twirled the string around his finger. 

“She’s scary, anyway,” someone said. “All confident but quiet, like. ‘s hard to read.”

Nathan felt a bit bad for this person they were talking about. The idea of somebody discussing _ him, _ when he wasn’t there, felt almost violating. Even if it was harmless and pretty pleasant, like this. 

But then again, it was normal for people to chat about their friends. Right? 

It was hard to tell. Nathan didn’t have much experience on that front, having been kind of in the sidelines even when growing up. He’d had some friends, but — he had never felt like they truly thought he was their friend, too. 

Nathan, still to this day, hadn’t figured out if that was true, or if it was just his brain being mean. Maybe it _ was _ true, but maybe his brain being mean had also made him behave in a way that had caused him to appear… Unappealing? Disinterested? Boring? 

Disposable? 

Nathan tugged on the string until it snapped off.

“Oh, c’mon, she’s not scary! You just need to actually talk to her, she’s really sweet,” the first guy said with a huff. “Just have to get to know her. Or, well. If she lets you get to know her.”

There was an obvious smug lilt to the guy’s voice by the end of it, and his friends groaned before laughing again.

“Right, right. The bloody chosen one, you are, clearly.” 

“At your service.”

For a moment longer, Nathan listened in on the building banter, the playful sounds of easy scuffle nudging the lounge tables and chairs. They all sounded relaxed. A good time.

Nathan tried to leech in some of their bright energy, but he couldn’t stop thinking. 

This girl they had been talking about, whoever she might’ve been, was clearly someone these people knew and wanted to get to know. The first guy obviously fancied her, too. 

It was just that…

Nathan felt like maybe someone could like him too, if they just got to know him? 

Probably. Maybe.

Well, the group behind him had been joking, but in his case it wasn’t that far off. Like, sure, no one was really lining up to get to know Nathan, but he wouldn't even know how to let someone close enough to do that, if it did happen. That person would have to be really persistent, and people just… weren’t. 

They didn’t stick around, and Nathan didn’t know what to do about it. Like, he didn’t think he was horrible, or anything. He would’ve had a much bigger problem with hanging out just by himself all the time, if that had been the case. 

It was just hard to tell what other people saw when they looked at him. 

At this point, Nathan felt like no one ever did. Look at him, that is. Sure, he probably was just too stuck in his own head to notice, uncomfortable about whatever was relevant at the time, but still… It had been months now — years, really, in a sickly on-and-off sort of way — and it was hard not to feel invisible. After all, baristas and professors were paid to acknowledge him. And that was about it for his contact with anyone outside family.

_ Would you like your receipt? _

_ No, thanks. _

_ Have a nice day! _

_ You, too. _

He usually did have a nice day, even though nice didn’t really feel like much. 

That girl, the one the group had discussed, she was _ smart_. She could do math well, and she could help the Union run more smoothly. 

That was a reason to talk to her. There was a reason for people to go up to her, then stick around her for long enough to break through, and actually know her. 

The difference between Nathan and someone like this girl was obvious. The reason why people would approach her, but wouldn’t approach him… Well. 

Nathan had nothing to offer. He had nothing to say.

He was was just… there. Uninterested. _ Uninteresting_. 

With a quiet sigh, Nathan stood up, his spiralling thoughts causing him to feel like he was suffocating, even within the massive campus building. He pulled the strap of his bag over his shoulder, ducked his head, and headed out. 

It was drizzling rain. Of course.

The clouds hung heavy and dark over the city, in no way looking like it would clear up anytime soon. It wasn’t that cold, though, which Nathan was thankful for. Busses were running periodically, the stops only a short walk away from the doors he’d just walked out from. Too bad he wasn’t going to get on one.

Nathan glanced at the grey sky once more before sitting down on the steps leading up to the building. He made sure he was tucked against the railing-wall, out of the way of the people heading in and out. Bag safely in between his feet and elbows resting on his knees, Nathan leaned his chin against the palm of his hand. Fuck, he was tired.

If Nathan was lucky, the rain would stop in a bit. Or at least ease up. He wasn’t necessarily looking forward to walking for an hour and a half from uni to his flat but… He didn’t have much choice. 

The library, where he had started working just a bit over a week ago, paid a decent amount. The job was simple enough, too, and Nathan was left in peace most of the time. It was methodical but required just enough mental engagement that his thoughts weren’t able to wander too much. And… Nathan was truly thankful for how things had worked out with the library. He had no idea what he would have done if he hadn’t been able to secure a job so quickly.

If only he didn't have to wait for another couple of days to receive his first paycheck.

With a sigh Nathan ruffled his already messy hair, pushing it away from his eyes only to have it flop right back down. The rain kept going, the hum of it making everything sound just as dull and grey as the day looked. It matched how he felt most of the time.

He really just wanted to get to his flat and sleep. Maybe have a hot bath… 

Nathan had had just enough to cover the deposit of the tiny studio that was now his. Luckily his dad had allowed him to write him down as a guarantor; no way in hell would Nathan have been able to afford six months rent in advance. 

He wasn’t comfortable asking for anything more from his parents, they were tight on money as well. He knew they’d have helped, in a heartbeat, but Nathan wouldn’t go to them until the very last moment. He needed this independence. The idea of being reliant on his parents, on anyone, again, didn’t sit well with him.

The deposit had been about it for his savings. He hadn’t exactly planned on such a change in his life, and walking home in the rain wasn’t the worst thing that could happen to someone. It was temporary, anyway. Next week he’d get paid, and he’d be able to get the semester pass for the bus. And, like, food… 

Until then, walking to uni and work it was.

It was almost silly, too, how deeply one person’s presence in someone’s life could affect it. It should’ve been completely irrelevant, yet here Nathan was, without a bloody bus pass. Just because he’d been used to getting a ride from Sammy. 

No need for a bus, when your flatmate-but-also-cousin has a car. No need for a full-time job, when you’re only paying for some of the bills. Sammy’s parents, Nathan’s aunt and her husband, owned Sammy’s flat, and they had refused to charge anything at all in the beginning. They were the type to get ‘offended’, if someone even insinuated that they wouldn’t be able to afford housing their own son. The fact that Nathan was an omega, and a relative, made them want to refuse his attempts to pay his part of the rent. The bills had been a compromise. 

It was quite a - ah... _ traditional _ stance. A stance which kept feeding into the stereotype that omegas couldn’t manage on their own, nor should they even try. It hadn’t even been that long when it had been completely absurd for an unmated omega to live alone. Back then they’d been expected to only move in with their mates, straight from the family pack’s home. 

The fact that there were hints of that ideology still in his relative’s mindset made Nathan kind of uncomfortable. Sammy was an alpha, and an only child, so it made sense that they weren’t necessarily as in tune with these things as Nathan, but… Come on. 

At the same time though, Nathan couldn’t help but feel guiltily relieved. After all, his aunt’s insistence to cover his living expenses was the only reason why Nathan had been able to keep saving his earnings. He did still feel a bit weird about it, especially with how icy and awkward the whole arrangement had been when it came to his dad and his aunt. There was definitely some sibling rivalry there, but Nathan just couldn’t afford to worry about it. Emotionally or financially. 

They were otherwise rather lovely people, honestly. Nathan had never had any trouble getting along with Sammy’s parents. But Sammy himself… Well, he was a whole nother story. 

Nathan just couldn’t really believe his own naivety. Nor could he believe that he had allowed himself to get so comfortable that he had forgotten to cover his back. Yes, even with someone he was supposed to consider as _ family_. One would’ve thought he’d learned not to rely on anyone but himself by this point, but fucking figures... 

See, Sammy was a bit of a prick. Or maybe a lot of a prick. Even when they’d still been kids, the alpha had already been so fucking full of himself, it was actually hard to believe. There was probably nothing more terrifying than a spoiled and entitled pre-teen, with parents that actually backed him up for just about anything. Spoiled. Smug. Used to getting his way. It was sad, more than anything. Just a disservice to a growing human being. 

Nathan would never believe that someone could actually enjoy being like that. Like, these kind of people must be aware they were being horrible? Did they not know, or did they just not care? And if they didn’t care, how the hell did people like that live with such aggressive negativity inside of them? It sounded exhausting, and Nathan knew a thing or two about being exhausted from just merely existing. 

Unfortunately, Sammy wasn’t the only alpha that had been brought up like that, and he wasn’t going to be the last. It was still A Whole Thing with alphas, even as the society was starting to finally frown a bit at the too-egoistic arseholes. It wasn’t enough, but it was about the fucking time. 

See, whereas Nathan’s aunt had wanted to help because she believed it was her duty to the poor omega, Sammy, on the other hand… 

Sammy just thought it was his _ right _ to impose his unsolicited opinions and decisions on Nathan. It was scary, almost, how some alpha’s just assumed that that’s how things worked. Even some of the nice and polite ones. That’s how ingrained it was into their interactions. It was hard to see oppression when you weren’t the one being oppressed...

Not that Sammy had really been oppressive to Nathan, or anything like that. It was... There were worse things in the world, like. Sammy was just a smug jerk, who liked to bother Nathan, in a weird, pushy, and unwelcome big brotherly way. The alpha knew how to be funny, sometimes, and he’d never left Nathan stranded if he needed a drive or a meal. He was condescending, though, and crude with the way he tried to poke his nose into Nathan’s business. Like it was his right to know. He joked about Nathan’s heat cycles around his friends, and always tried to get him drunk, even after being told several times, that no, Nathan still didn’t like to drink any alcohol. 

Those things were all something Nathan could get used to, no matter how frustrating and humiliating it was at times. But when the said entitled alpha’s entitled opinions suddenly concluded that the flat they were sharing was a little bit too crowded for two? 

Yeah.

Still, it was Nathan’s own fault. He should’ve been more prepared. Because what happens to an omega without a back-up plan? Nothing good, that’s for sure.

Luckily he’d had his meagre savings, and luckily he had been working on and off at the university’s reception during the previous semester. The library had appreciated that in his CV too, and hired him without too much of a fuss. All that mattered was that he hadn't had to move back in with his parents. As much as he cared about them, it was a relief. A quilt-ridden one, but a relief nonetheless. 

Nathan was ok. He had a flat, very small but cozy. And _ his. _Just his.

He had a job. His studies were going okay, even though he didn’t really care. 

He had talked on the phone with his mum the other day and she hadn’t gotten frustrated, or complained about dad, not once. 

He’d have a bus pass next week, and he’d buy salty pretzels to treat himself for sorting things out so well,_ on his own_. He was fine.

It was okay. It was just a walk in the rain, not the end of the fucking world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey so I ended up changing all the original plans I had for the “main story” because what I was doing just wasn’t working out for me. Not the story itself but the format, I guess. So instead of aiming for a continuous / chaptered / consistent timeline / etc etc kind of ordeal, I realised that for this series (or whatever this mess is lolol) the slice of life / snippet concept just works better. Or at least it works better for me, and hopefully I’ll feel less stuck writing it this way. I feel like there’s more freedom and flexibility when I can do these lil scenes that aren’t necessarily strictly connected timeline-wise, but they will still make up a “main story” in the end. Did that even make any sense?
> 
> Long story short, this will be under the Let Me Try series and I’ll post all the parts under this title. The concept is the same though; slice of life kinda thing, but each part revolves around the more specific 'storyline'.
> 
> Also, this is completely WIP so stay away shoo if that’s not cool with you. I’m going to keep writing this the same way I do with the other snippets, aka whenever inspiration strikes. The length of each part might wary, I just wanna write and sometimes it’s not much and sometimes it’s mucher ok thank!
> 
> (I'm not gunna lie I'm a bit nervous about posting this because it's a bit different and a lot heavyfeely, and although this part is mainly just setting the scene for the rest of the story, I always worry it's boring when I write my preferred Feels-based style where nothing much happens in the action sense and yeah so I hope you like it thank again) <3
> 
> -
> 
> moodboard & chill - https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the amazing comments on the first part of this, and on the previous instalments as well!! You guys have no idea how much they mean to me, I'm still having a hard time understanding how much love this thingy is getting! D': I have read all your comments (and the lovely prompts ahh so much inspo thank you!!) and I always aim to reply to each one, it just might take me some time to catch up! 
> 
> Thank you so much<3

KIT

Kit stood under the shelter of the red brick building, steaming hot coffee burning his palms through the tall takeaway cups. 

The day was wet and chilly, the air carrying a certain kind of crispiness that hadn’t been present only some short weeks back. The rain drummed a calming hum as it came down, engulfing the world into a serene, albeit damp, atmosphere. 

Kit leaned against the brick wall of the campus building, taking in the freshness of the air. All hints of the summer, the stuffiness of the heavy and sharp heat, were being washed away, cleansed. Kit loved the summer, always looked forward to it, and dutifully whined about the cold with the rest of the population. Still, the autumn weather felt like a first proper lungful of air after the summer months. 

Bravely, Kit brought one of the coffees to his mouth to test if it was safe to drink without melting his face off. The answer was an immediate no, and Kit hissed, rushing to suck his scorched bottom lip into his mouth. 

Nursing his poor injured flesh, Kit sulked a bit, and distractedly peered around the puddled campus courtyard. Isac should’ve most definitely been there to kiss his boo boos better, but the omega was nowhere to be seen. Rude.

With both of his hands already occupied, his phone stayed securely in the pocket of his jeans. They’d agreed to meet out here anyway, as Isac’s next lecture was in a different building, and it was a short - perfect for coffee drinking - walk across the campus to get there. 

Kit sighed, chest tingling with the chilly air as it filled his lungs. He adjusted his grip on the takeaway cups, skin red and too warm where it was pressed against the heat. The wall felt cold in contrast, but he stayed there, settled to wait for the tiny menace. There was a steady trickle of people going into the building, and a small group was huddled under the roof of the smoking area, the little hut pushed away from the main doors to keep the smoke from getting inside.

A beta girl with a colourful umbrella, was cursing the state of her humidity fluffed hair to her friend, and the two of them spent a moment shaking the rain from their clothes before disappearing inside. At least it wasn’t too windy today, so the umbrellas people were carrying were actually doing something. Small miracles. 

There was one lad crossing the courtyard, looking exactly like he was in dire need of a small umbrella-related miracle. The hood of the guy’s shirt, pulled over his head, was soaked through and sticking to the sides of his face. Even from some distance away, Kit could see the rain dripping from his fringe, plastered over his forehead. He was doing a rather great impression of a drowning rat, and Kit grimaced in sympathy. It wouldn’t be a surprise if he woke up with pneumonia tomorrow, based on the obvious paleness of his skin and the dots of pink clinging high on his cheeks.

Kit wondered briefly if Isac had taken an umbrella with him, and then frowned at the thought of having to kick the pest’s arse to remind him, once again, to take better care of himself. Although, Liam had been awake when the omega had headed out in the morning, and Kit knew for a fact that Liam wouldn’t have let Isac leave without one. The alpha was way too dedicated of a mother hen to let that happen.

It wasn’t even that Isac didn’t know how to take care of himself, it was just... Well, his standards for what that meant exactly, weren’t quite where Kit or Liam would’ve set them. Also, Isac loved it when they pestered him about these things, probably just as much as he loved to complain about them doing it. It was an open secret that Isac kept “forgetting” things, just so he could then whine when Liam and Kit frowned and checked on him. 

Kit smiled fondly against the lid of the coffee, thinking about his boys. The coffee wasn’t quite as dangerous this time, when he carefully tipped some onto his tongue. It was still burning, but manageable. Isac better hurry his perky arse up, if he didn’t want to drink cold bean water. 

Not that the omega wouldn’t blame Kit for it anyway, somehow, and grumble until Kit kissed him quiet. _That_ would be a very alluring direction for this lunch slash coffee date-meeting to go to though, Kit thought, and it was hard to decide which outcome he preferred. 

There was also an alluring scent curling through the humidity of the rain, gently cutting past the crispiness of the air and the heat of the coffee that was rising from the cup, flirtatiously filling Kit’s lungs in between one breath and another. It was something _ sweet _, and it was clouding into his head like an invisible hook; catching on and settling in, it's luring jaws locking down hard. 

Kit swallowed heavily, and when he lifted his gaze, it was only to find himself staring into two small oceans.

Wet strands of hair kept leading droplets onto those blue eyes and the dark lashes surrounding them, and then the guy blinked, shaking his head to lose some of the water. The move cut the accidental eye contact short, but even so, there was now a deeper flush rising onto the - _ omega’s _ cheeks.

Yeah.

Yeah, that was the scent. 

_ Fuckin’ hell. _

Kit watched the coltish lad use the soaked sleeve of his shirt to wipe down his face. When he’d been watching him brave the downpour, Kit hadn’t really noted that he wasn’t wearing a jacket. The realisation pulled a soft, unconscious, frown to Kit’s brows now. 

His head was turned away from Kit, shoulders hunched up, as if he wanted to hide in plain sight. Unfortunately for him, it appeared that every single nerve on Kit’s body had zeroed on him, causing an exhilarating rush of _ ‘interested’ _ and ‘_protective’ _ to tingle across Kit’s skin.

Up close, and without the blur of the rain, it was obvious that the omega was rather pretty. It was obvious, even with the way his dark brown hair was plastered to his skull, and his clothes were drooping with the weight of the water, only emphasising the hunched way the boy held himself. 

He was quite tall, all long legs and gangly angles. He carried it well, despite not seeming very confident. Although, it could’ve just been due to the water dripping from him, which definitely wasn’t the most comfortable way to spend a lunch break... From what Kit could see, the look in his eyes was skittish, and yet it somehow matched the controlled, reserved, way he moved. 

Kit could tell the omega was aware of his presence under the shelter of the building, the short meeting of gazes having announced that for them both. 

Not that Kit had needed that eye contact to notice the lad. Even just the scent of him alone... Fuck, it would‘ve been _ so _ inappropriate to openly scent the air and just groan out loud at the heady rush the attractive tones of it brought up. 

It was almost dizzying, the way the scent had curled into the back of Kit’s mind. Now it was already settling there, like a stray cat bossily choosing their Person, immediately demanding undivided attention. Kit felt a bit breathless, his pulse rising to match the rapid speed of his thoughts.

Because...

Because there was only one omega who was able to short circuit his brain like that. 

Only one, and that said omega had just appeared, seemingly out of thin air, and was currently climbing onto Kit’s back like a sharp elbowed monkey. 

“Oi!” Kit coughed out, instinctively going to grab on Isac’s thighs to support him, only to remember that his hands were very much occupied. 

It was pure luck that none of the hot coffee spilled on them, as Kit tried to find his balance, Isac’s knees digging under his ribs and the omega’s chatty mouth wet on his cheek.

Isac was talking, but Kit was having some real trouble concentrating. His head was spinning, and his instincts were yearning to reach out, while simultaneously the alpha in him was also curling towards the familiar warmth backpacking him.

There _ was _ only one omega like that, except now there was _ a pull_, and his instincts were flaring up in curious intrigue.

Kit blinked at the spot where the boy had disappeared inside the building, cruelly taking the soft hues of the intoxicating, rain-deepened, scent with him. 

That rain kept humming as it met the pavement, and Kit’s palms were hot wrapped around the takeaway cups. 

Isac’s pouty mouth was as impatient as usual against the side of his own, and the omega’s greeting kiss was enough to pull Kit out of the mess his instincts had bundled up into. 

He craned his neck to nuzzle against Isac’s cheek. The scent of him was soothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty... 
> 
> -
> 
> A short-ish scene but I felt like this specific one deserved it's own post *heart-eye Kitty emoji* 
> 
> Also, a shoutout to the only (and v important) dialogue in this part: "Oi!"  
Thank for your meaningful contribution Mr "Oi!" 
> 
> xx
> 
> -
> 
> moodboard & chill - https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love this has gotten!! You guys are the best<3

NATHAN

It had been almost two weeks since getting caught in the rain and Nathan’s throat was still sore, his muscles aching as if he’d been working out for hours instead of trying to sleep. He kind of wished he’d just get the damn bug, all proper, instead of the constant low level nausea that wasn’t bad enough to warrant taking sick days. Nathan felt weirdly dizzy and his skin hurt, yet his temperature stayed normal and the soreness of his throat was manageable.

His flat was freezing too, but Nathan, out of principle, had vowed not to turn the heating on. He could just layer up, it was better than paying those ridiculously big bills. Also, if he pretended hard enough, maybe the cold would chase away the empty hurt from his chest. 

The weather outside was just as gloomy and rainy as it had been for weeks, and today, going to uni for a single two hour seminar, had felt like too much. Even Nathan knew when to stop pushing himself, thank you very much.

That’s what he kept telling himself, knowing full well that he’d decided to skip uni, just to rest before his shift at the library. 

_ Anyway. _

What Nathan really couldn't afford, was getting wet again. His sore throat was clear enough sign of that. Going to the library was just fine, but the bus stops at uni were kind of far from the buildings he needed to get to. 

Nathan really needed to invest in that bloody umbrella. Or, more like, stop forgetting to buy the damn thing every time he went to the shops for groceries. 

Seriously though, he didn’t even care about getting sick... Nathan was all good, all peachy, as long as he would just avoid repeating the humiliation of choking on rainwater, while smelling like a wet dog, right in front of the whole university. The seat at the lecture hall was probably still drying after the encounter Nathan had had with it… Oh, and there had been that alpha, too! Of course, _ of course _the universe would deem fit to drop the bloody prince of some Mediterranean country to witness Nathan’s walk of shame. Of course, just for Nathan, specifically right there, just at the perfect time.

Was it even a surprise at this point? The universe clearly had it out for him.

At least no one had laughed. Although that guy’s stare had been a clear enough confirmation for how ridiculous Nathan had looked, soaked to the bone and teeth chattering, as he’d rushed indoors.

Lovely. Another cringy memory to keep him awake at night.

Nathan sighed, chest feeling heavy as he eyed his bed longingly. It’d be a mistake to crawl back in, Nathan knew that too well from past mistakes, but being conscious and alone with his heavy mind was starting to feel unbearable. Again.

He just felt so hollow. And sick. But somehow not sick, at the same time. 

Was it bad that he was truly hoping for his temperature to go up, just to get some actual physical sensation to distract him from the emotional ones? 

“Fuck’s sake,” Nathan groaned, the words muffled as he rubbed his face with too harsh hands. 

Why did he have to feel like this? So stuck. And aimless. Pointless. Bored to death but too exhausted to even think about doing much.

_ Alone. _

“Stop it,” he growled quietly, the knuckles of his fisted hands digging into the sockets of his eyes. “It’s fine. Nothing’s wrong.”

Actually, alone was fine. Nathan liked being alone, that’s how he recharged. Introvert through and through. Because of that, Nathan had thought he’d love living on his own, without parents, without cousins, just him, finally.

And he did, he really did like it. These months having his own space, were the most comfortable Nathan could ever remember himself being in a 'home'. Not that he really felt like home anywhere, the feeling of not belonging always somehow haunting him, but, y’know… Whatever.

Yeah, alone was fine. It was comfortable. Stable. _ Quiet. _

But apparently, it was also lonely.

What was he supposed to do with that realisation, though, when he had first spent most of his life learning that he was better off on his own? 

He’d learned that he could only rely on himself. He’d learned that he’d only get hurt when he tried to reach out and connect. He’d learned that his parents would fight every day, no matter what, and that it was so normal it wasn’t even questioned. 

No one had ever questioned how he felt about it, either, Nathan himself included. Fighting was normal, right? Every family had their fights.

And if Nathan, by the time he was hitting his early teens, was becoming more and more reserved compared to his previously energetic and temperamental childhood personality? That was normal, too. Right? Every kid changes when they start to approach puberty. Normal. 

Others his age just didn’t seem to like that kind of normal. 

He was too confident to be shy, but too quiet to be interesting. Too careful for others to see when _he _ was interested. 

_ ‘Intimidating_,’ someone had described Nathan, leaning against his arm, hammered and bleary eyed at a freshers’ week meetup. 

_ ‘Pretty_,’ the just as drunk pair of omega girls had cooed, before disappearing into the crowd, and then ignoring him the next week when he’d tried to greet them, all hopeful, outside the campus cafeteria. 

‘_I could show you a good time, love,’ _the alpha, way past his sixties, had hummed, causing Nathan to blush and stutter, and hurriedly skitter out of the tiny kiosk by the train station. Nathan had done that with a bag of baby potatoes hugged to his chest, horrified, because for a short nanosecond his brain had told him to just take what he could get. 

Was he really getting that desperate? Hopefully not. 

Well, maybe Nathan wasn't that desperate _yet_, but he sure was a lot of things. Withdrawn. Left out. Curled up, in, away. Better off on his own. And safer, that way. Less of a hassle. Calm.

But how to fix the loneliness, if things were better when he was alone? Or, well, at least things felt easier, if not better. Under control.

It was always about control. He never seemed to have enough of it, while simultaneously he wanted nothing to do with that. Control was exhausting. So many decisions.

Nathan just wanted to stop _the_ _feeling, _whatever that meant. He was looking for something, some sort of relief, without knowing what that was. The feeling just needed to stop.

He felt like he should talk to _someone._ He didn’t necessarily want to, but he knew he should. Probably. Just… 

Someone who knew him. Someone he didn’t have to pay to exchange a few words with. No students forced into a project with him. No bus drivers. No random people who bumped into him on the street. No one who’d cause him to feel worse and more alone. 

Yet he only had one option, really.

Nathan loved his mum.

If only calling her didn't make him feel sicklier. 

Nathan had barely registered making the decision to call, the messy spiral of his thoughts fogging everything up, until suddenly his mum’s bright voice had pierced through it.

“Just having a bit of a rough day,” Nathan said carefully into the speaker, finally filling the stretching silence that lingered after the mandatory greetings. 

Nathan chewed on the sleeve of his hoodie, looking out the window instead of the video-call on the phone screen. He didn’t want to see if his mum looked uncomfortable, or whatever. He also didn’t want to clarify that he’d had a bad day for months now, and that it was still the same bad day since the last time he had mentioned it. 

Bad was such a _ bad _word, too. He wasn’t quite sure what else to call it though. It was as if he felt too much and too little at the same time. He was unbothered but still anxious. Tense but chill. Tired but functioning. It was a contradiction. A dull stretch of minutes, hours, days, weeks, months… All passing monotonously, but with a more negative undertone rather than a positive one.

“Oh, yes. Me too, gosh! Barely slept a wink last night,” his mum sighed, glasses clinking as she stood up to collect them from the table. The sound was just on the side of too shrill through the distortion of the phone speakers. “First, the dogs. You know the tiny yappy ones that live upstairs? Yeah, they had some sort of episode just when I was about to fall asleep, and then; poof! All hope of that happening, gone!”

Nathan nodded, staring out the window without really seeing much. His mum’s words washed over him, the rhythm of her speech familiar and easy to settle on.

“Then around four AM... I think? Yes, past four bloody AM, your father decided to start watching telly in the other room?” Nathan swallowed, and then sighed quietly, jaw clenching. “Can you believe it? As if his snoring isn’t bad enough, even with him on the couch! So I finally got up, went to the—”

“Hey, mum? When’s that dinner meeting you were buying the nice clothes for?” Nathan asked, tugging the hood of his shirt over his head. His fingers automatically started to play with the plaited strings that hung from the neckline.

“I… Oh! Right!” she looked thrown only for a short blink of a moment, before she smiled brightly. 

She liked that Nathan remembered these things. He knew his dad never did, or at least he didn’t mention it. The genuine excitement of hers was a nice sight. Somehow it made Nathan feel sad.

On the screen, his mum was walking out of the kitchen, then she reappeared with a dress in one hand and high heels in the other, “I wanted to show you, look at these shoes!”

Nathan watched her gush and fuss about the clothes, and reassured her that she’d look nice, and no, the shoes weren’t trashy with that dress. 

He didn’t ask again when the meeting was. He didn’t really care enough to remind her that she hadn’t answered. He didn’t care, in the sense that none of this affected his life in any way. Nathan just… He didn’t like to repeat himself. That always just rubbed in the fact that she wasn’t really listening. 

Sometimes she’d have no idea, if Nathan tried to recall a topic he had mentioned the previous week. It was especially sore, when he’d actually tried to talk about something that interested him. After all, he didn’t have many of such topics.

Maybe she was just forgetful, and got too distracted from conversation. That’s what Nathan tried to believe.

He still felt - _ something _ about it. 

See, Nathan knew that her dinner was on next week’s Tuesday at 7 o’clock, a pick up taking the group from her work offices to the restaurant. She had told him that a few weeks back, right after it had been confirmed.

Maybe his memory was better.

“What’s with the frown?” his mum asked, playful edge to her words. She had dropped the clothes on the back of a chair and now held a stack of newspapers in her hands, neatening the pile. 

Nathan sighed inwardly, and watched her move in and out of frame as she cleaned the kitchen surfaces.

“Nothing,” he replied, and just as he suspected, his mum appeared back in frame to mimic his apparently obnoxiously horrid sad face. 

“Come on,” she said, eyes bright and teasing. “Don’t be like that.”

Nathan didn’t want to be like that. And he didn’t really have the energy to play this game with his mum again.

“Smile,” his mum drawled, wrinkling her nose until Nathan jerked the corners of his mouth up.

He didn’t feel like smiling. Why did he have to?

To make his mum feel better?

“That’s not a real one and you know it, silly,” she said, “Show me, or I might start to doubt my memory, and think you never actually grew those front teeth.”

That surprised a genuine huff of a laugh out of Nathan. His mum looked proud.

“I promise I did, don’t worry,” Nathan said, still feeling just as dull, but he managed to flash something that at least resembled his proper smile.

“Lovely. My boy’s all grown!” his mum winked, and Nathan rolled his eyes. 

Growing up, it had taken an abnormal amount of time for his teeth to grow back in after the baby ones had fallen out. Dentists had assured his parents that he was fine, just taking his time. Nothing to worry about.

They clearly hadn’t tried living toothless when all their classmates already had nice rows of pearly whites. Don’t even start about the lisp. 

Nathan remembered how it had been fun to blow chewing gum bubbles through his not-teeth without opening his bite. The kids in his class had thought it was pretty cool, too. Unfortunately, he also remembered crying after school, when he hadn’t been able to pronounce “dinosaurs’” during a presentation in front of the class. 

His mum forever thought it was the cutest thing.

Nathan wondered what she’d have thought, if he’d told her that his teeth weren't missing anymore, but something else was. He just had no idea what...

Oh, for fuck’s sake. Why did he have to be so dramatic? Pathetic, really.

Annoying. 

His mum wasn’t in the frame anymore, but the dishes she was washing clanged too loud through the speakers.

Nathan stared at the empty kitchen table of his childhood home, the wooden surface of it still damp from the swift wipe down just a moment ago. Pixels danced on the phone screen, blurring the video for a second before it sharpened again. The chairs were neatly lined up around the table.

His flat was cold and quiet. 

“Bye, mum,” Nathan said, quite abruptly, and when she appeared, he waved his hand in front of the phone camera. 

He suddenly just wanted the screen to go black. The call had already lasted a while, and Nathan had ran out of things to say within the first thirty seconds. 

He had ran out of energy to say anything at all before she even picked up.

What was the point of trying, anyway?

“Oh, alright! Well, I’ll talk to you later?” his mum said, a set of dripping wet mugs hanging from her fingers. ”Or message. I’m going to the flower shop with Marie later, there’s this—” 

“Okay mum, yeah. I’ll talk to you later,” Nathan said quickly, recognising his mum’s distracted way of starting a completely new conversation. He knew that, because he was the same way when given the chance to talk. He’d still be here twenty minutes later if he didn’t hang up now. 

It was frustrating when it was his mum doing it, and it was embarrassing when it was him. 

Nathan felt like shit for cutting the call short, and for thinking that his mum was frustrating for something he himself did at times, but... But suddenly he just- couldn’t. He just couldn’t do _ this _with his mum. Not right now. Not when he could barely be a person. He'd thought this would help, somehow, and it was still his first instinct to go to her.

For what?

Nathan wasn't really sure why he'd thought that calling his mum would help. But... Wasn't that what calling a mum was supposed to do? 

“Alright, love! Have a nice afternoon.”

“You, too. Bye.”

The screen fell blissfully black with one simple tap and a click of a button. Something felt tight in his throat and it wasn’t just the earlier soreness.

Nathan loved his mum and he truly didn’t mind talking to her. 

He just wished she’d actually listen when he tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm having a bad day so Natty has to suffer too loll (I wasn't kidding when tagging that emo-hurt. We gon go hard on this laddie.)
> 
> Oh, I have another Kitty chapter almost done! (So we can have some healthy/non-anxious narration to balance out our sad boi chapters.) :) xx
> 
> -
> 
> moodboard & chill - https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	4. Chapter 4

KIT

Kit somehow managed to hold his tongue for a couple of days. 

He had been thinking, and over thinking, before finally concluding that, no, this wasn’t just about him anymore. Or, even if it had been just about him, he wasn’t feeling too confident about his ability to handle this on his own. He didn’t have to, either. And, as this did, in fact, have something to do with his mates - a lot actually - the next logical step was to talk to them. 

_ It _ had been pretty much the only thing to occupy Kit’s brain, ever since he’d parted ways with Isac that day, right before the omega’s lecture started. They’d drank their coffees, had a productive makeout session under the alcove of the design building, and then Isac had been on his way, taking away the buffer that had kept Kit’s thoughts at bay. 

A scent imprint. An actual fucking scent imprint. A bloody strong one, too, because it had left Kit feeling strangely out of breath and sickly, his skin tingling and muscles heavy. Yet, somehow, it was a nice feeling rather than a bad one. It was like having that good kind of stress; that lingering tension just before something exciting was about to happen. 

But a scent imprint? Really?

The short memory of the omega was enough to soothe any annoyance Kit had over imprinting so easily. But _ still_, seriously, what was he? A pubescent runt still waiting for their first knot? Ugh.

It wasn’t unheard of to imprint based on scent alone, even if it was less common after reaching full adulthood. It was pretty damn inconvenient though, that’s for sure. No matter how hard his biology fancied this guy, a scent imprint wouldn’t give him a magical map to find him again. Nor would it guarantee a good emotional imprint _ or _ a good match in general. 

Fuck. Kit felt so unprepared. Not that it was possible to ever prepare for, like, meeting someone, but… It just felt so unexpected. And so - consuming. His whole head felt a fuzzy with it. Obviously it would fade with time if left ignored, but the question still remained…

Did he - _ they _ \- want to ignore it? 

And it wasn’t just about them, was it? That omega had just as much of a choice in this. More, actually, in Kit’s opinion. And Liam and Isac, too. Ah, fucking hell. There were too many variables, too many people this affected, for Kit to feel like he could keep it all together on his own. The fact that his instincts were all over the place, was just making this more overwhelming.

The alpha in him was circling like something silky and dangerous, ready to lure and mouth and protect and take…

Of course _ Kit _ wanted to pursue this, every molecule in him was urging him to go look for that potential match, so compatible it was making him dizzy. But he needed to be realistic about this. He needed to _ think. _

Fuck, Kit had forgotten how intense it got… His instincts and body had reacted exactly like this with Isac, and back then he’d thought he was losing his mind.

So, feeling harried and wrong footed, Kit finally scurried to his boys for comfort. He was anxious and excited, too full of energy and jitters, and the strength he accidentally used to throw the door of the flat open, echoed that chaotic state of his mind.

“I died and went to heaven,” Kit declared into the hallway the second he had kicked his rain dampened boots off. 

“Sweet,” Isac said, not sounding enthusiastic enough at all. The omega was focused on the telly, and Liam just looked up from his phone, eyebrows slightly raised in amusement.

“No, seriously, listen,” Kit said, out of breath before he even reached the couch. Once he was close enough, he paused to make sure the next statement had everyone’s full attention. Isac paused the game on the screen and Liam blinked his honeyed eyes, attentive. Good. 

Kit inhaled deep before sighing out, “The other day, I saw _ an actual _ angel.” 

Isac unpaused his game and turned away. 

“Oi!” Kit called out in protest. Liam’s dimples cut in deep and he was clearly trying to stifle a laugh. “I swear! I’m serious!” 

“You aren’t even religious,” Isac reminded him. And, ok, _ true_, none of them were, but Kit didn’t know a better word to describe the angel he had seen, so an angel it was.

“Well! I... It sure felt like a religious experience,” Kit said and crossed his arms. It was possible that the cocktail of pheromones that had scrambled his brain had something to do with that but, eh, y’know...

“My arse is a religious experience,” Isac muttered under his breath, and Liam giggled. Traitor. Kit narrowed his eyes at him.

“Come here,” the blond alpha said, despite Kit’s played up scowling. He was making grabby hands and looking too bloody sweet, so Kit begrudgingly circled the couch to sit down next to him.

Even though Kit was being playful, he knew it was obvious to both Isac and Liam that it was actually rather serious. He wouldn’t have mentioned it otherwise, and secondly, it was the first time Kit brought up something like this in general. 

“Hi,” Liam said, leaning in to lightly headbutt Kit’s shoulder. He hummed happily when Kit curled a palm behind his neck and pulled him into a brief kiss. 

Kit sighed, teasingly rubbing his scruff all over Liam’s jaw, loving the way the fair skin turned pink. He sighed again when the alpha asked, “An angel, huh?”

“He was so fucking gorgeous, mate,” Kit groaned, slumbing against the back of the couch. He stared at the ceiling for a short moment, before throwing an arm towards Isac. 

“Yeah?” Liam urged softly, in that gentle, easy, manner of his. The alpha watched as Kit shook Isac’s shoulder while the omega tried to play. Kit squinted at the telly - Mario Kart, apparently - before doing it again. He got snarled and swatted at for it, and Liam grinned lazily at the two of them, curious interest starting to gather in his eyes. 

“Yeah,” Kit echoed, before leaning back against the couch just to sigh dreamily. “He honestly _ blushed _ when he noticed me looking. Fuck, I almost popped a knot right there.”

“Yeah, that’ll sure entice anyone,” Isac sneered, chucking the controller onto the coffee table when a Game Over flashed on the screen. “Go full frat boy on him, won’t you? I’m sure he’ll just love it.”

“Hush, you,” Kit said, and immediately reached to rub his palm all over Isac’s hair when the omega settled next to him. Isac scowled at him, short fringe sticking up, but he allowed the greeting scent marking, and nuzzled into it when Kit cupped his cheek.

For a moment, Kit traced the dip of Isac’s cheekbone with his thumb, eyes following the movement with a distant haze to them. His mind kept wandering off, fired with fresh instincts to seek out that scent. To seek out a _ mate. _

No. Not a mate. Not yet, at least. Just someone compatible. A biological crush. Chemistry. Nothing real yet. 

But, oh, did it ever _ feel _ real.

“So sweet...”

Kit flopped to the side to lay down on the couch - on Liam - dramatic flare showing as he moaned and hugged into Liam’s belly. He nuzzled his face against the thin material of the alpha’s shirt, breathing in his calming scent before proceeding to nip at his abs through the fabric. “You know the type, all wide eyed and careful, all daydreamy.”

“Mhm?” Liam hummed, fisting a hand in Kit’s dark curls to stop him from munching on his middle. Kit’s response was a showy flutter of lashes as his eyes rolled back, just as theatrically. Liam tugged on his hair some more. 

“Yeah,” Kit breathed out empathically, “I was at the campus to see Iz. It was pissing rain and the lad was soaked to the bone. He didn’t even have an umbrella or anything. But _ fuck,_” Kit groaned, long and low, “his scent… I swear, my brain went ZIP!”

Isac snorted, “What brain?” and then scrambled to sit on Kit’s thighs when he pretended to kick at the omega for the comment.

Liam’s eyes were bright with interest, but then he slowly furrowed his brow, quietly watching as Isac settled onto his new throne.

“What is it with you O’s and getting wet? Do you guys have a deathwish?” With unsurprised familiarity, Liam ignored the suggestive way Isac wagged his eyebrows at the words. The alpha raked his fingers through Kit’s hair instead, and, true to his mother hen nature, continued; “Had to plant the umbrella in Izzy’s bag today, ‘cause he kept saying it wasn’t going to rain.”

“Made you feel useful, didn’t it?” Isac quipped, and then grinned when Kit moved his hands to squeeze the omega’s thighs. Such a pest. “Anyway, what's his name then? He goes to my uni?”

“Oh, I didn’t go up to him, it wasn’t…” It hadn’t been the right moment, and, more truthfully, Kit had just been so utterly suckerpunched by the mere existence of the boy, that it had rendered him completely useless... “But, yeah. He seemed like a student,” Kit said, and looked up at Liam, who was already peering down at him, probably connecting the dots about the scent imprint. If he was surprised, it didn’t show. The alpha just kept playing with his hair. “I think… Well. Liam’s less - intimidating? Might be better if you went first, like. If we even, y’know, decide to do that. Or figure out where to find him again.”

The kid had been a quiet little thing, despite being rather tall and coltish. Thinking past the scent-dumb memory Kit had, it was pretty clear that Liam would be the best choice to approach this one. Even with his atletism, Liam was a complete marshmallow, and Kit had yet to meet someone who’d find the golden alpha scary.

It was very much against all his instincts, to step away from approaching someone - well, someone _ interesting_, first. However, the comfort of others was more important than Kit’s knot driven hindbrain.

“I’m tiny, I should do it,” Isac argued immediately, straightening up and already looking excited. 

“You’d frighten anyone to death,” Liam snorted, tone flat and knowing, “especially someone even half as sweet as Kit’s saying.”

“_So _ sweet,” Kit whined, squeezing his eyes shut and kneading Isac’s thighs with his fingertips, as if that would somehow release the buzzing from his bones. If he imagined hard enough, he could almost pretend that _ that _ alluring scent was still present to his senses. 

But... That was just Kit, though. Him and his feeble imprint on a stranger. All of this was based on a scent, a primal trigger, and a rainwatered memory of a dark haired careful boy. That wouldn’t really… But what about…

“I just hope he’s nice, like,” Kit sighed with a frown, head on Liam’s thigh. He looked down to where he was holding onto Isac, thumbs pressing into the sides of the omega’s knees. “I mean, he seemed- But what if you two… Ah, fuck. This is weird.”

“No, it’s not,” Isac said, squirming closer, until Kit’s palms were cupping his groin more than anything. Kit glared at him with fond exasperation, but didn’t move his hands. “It’s not weird, just new.”

“Yeah,” Liam agreed, “We all knew this could happen, especially with Isac being just one, with the two of us.”

“Exactly,” Isac said haughtily. Kit was rolling his eyes before the omega even finished, “My poor arse! About time your caveman brains find you two another hole to stick your cocks into. I’m doing all the work here, on my lonesome.” 

“Are you actually complaining?” Liam teased, straight faced despite Isac’s crude words. A shameless brat, truly. If Kit didn’t enjoy that mouth on him so much, he’d be scandalised. Probably. Or maybe not. 

Isac shook his head then, his playfulness dissipating for a moment. 

“Definitely not complaining, you know that,” he said, leaning forward to slide his hands up Kit’s belly and chest, rucking up his shirt a bit as he did. He paused as he reached Kit’s shoulders, and his fingertips grazed Liam’s thigh. “Just… I just mean that it doesn’t bother me, if that’s what you’re worrying about. And I know this isn’t really a sex thing.” Isac shrugged, leaning down to press some of his weight on Kit’s shoulders, looking thoughtful as he searched for his words. “Like, I’m up for it. I wouldn’t mind getting to know someone new, and we're more than stable enough. Also, it’s not like Kit’s going to imprint on just any dickhead, is it?”

“How did you know I imprinted?” Kit asked accusingly, wrinkling his nose while his mouth wanted to push into a petulant pout. It was probably pretty obvious from what he’d said but… Ugh, there was nothing wrong with scent imprinting, for fuck’s sake. 

However, despite the fact that pretty much every alpha went through it at some point, in varying intensities, Kit still felt a bit awkward about it, and a lot vulnerable. Not every bond started with an imprint, it could build stronger over time, too. Imprinting was more about biological compatibility, and had next to nothing to do with personalities matching. Regardless, it had a very strong effect on people when it happened, and it was tricky to deal with. 

These things could end just as one sidedly as having a crush on someone. Imprints, though, ran a whole lot deeper, affecting instinctual and territorial behaviour, and it could be way more awkward than just fancying someone. People were usually pretty good at keeping themselves in check, but the all consuming weight of his instincts was making Kit cautious. _ Nervous. _

Finding such a strong match, that it caused an imprint right away, was considered private, and it was very romanticized in society, especially in tabloids_. _It was a bit ridiculous, really, considering the fact that it was all biology, and in the end didn’t mean much if the people couldn’t stand each other. Sure, maybe imprinted matches were more likely to work out and last, but nothing was ever guaranteed.

Still, as the whole Soulmate Match bullshit was a thing in the entertainment, the topic was always used for name-calling and teasing amongst kids and teens. And amongst some unfortunate grown-ass adults, too.

Kit wasn’t insecure like that. Even as a kid, he’d never shied away from admitting if he fancied someone. But with an imprint it was a bit different... He did recognise the vulnerability of it in himself; the foreign weight of his instincts flaring up, making him feel almost animalistic and - _ alive_. 

It was a big, dangerous, feeling, based on something so fleeting. And already just that had been enough to push him to seek solace from his mates. It wasn’t something he could control, but he could decide to follow the tugging feeling that now lived inside his buzzing nerves, or not. 

The intensity of it was scary, but the reminder that the last time he’d given someone a chance had brought them Isac, was comforting. 

“I’m not an idiot, that’s how,” Isac said sweetly, and then patted Kit on the cheek, effectively bringing him back to the present from his thoughts. The omega was forgiven for the move, but only because he followed by gently scratching Kit’s scruff, just at the hinge of his jaw, _ just _ right. “You didn’t talk to him, but you brought it up with us. No way you’d have done that if there wasn’t a strong scent imprint. You’d have made sure it was someone compatible before even thinking about bringing them up; with the imprint you know right away if there’s a chance.”

“Have you been studying some A 101?” Kit grumbled. He wasn’t upset, just… It was just a vulnerable spot, okay? He was rather more relieved that he didn’t have to explain himself as much, with this already out in the open.

“Yes,” Isac said, looking unimpressed, “It’s called passing primary school.” 

“So, we’re all good?” Liam cut in before Kit could retaliate, “We’re all for it, then, to see if it’s a good fit?”

Kit turned to look at Isac, who nodded, grey eyes soft as he looked down at him. 

“Yeah?” Kit still asked, bottom lip pulling in between his teeth as he looked for any hesitation, in either one of them. It was a big decision. Even if nothing came out of it. Hell, even if they never even found the omega again, it was a test on their bonds. On their _ trust_.

“Yeah,” Liam said, palm pulling the curls back from Kit’s forehead. The honey of his eyes was warm, and the alpha nodded for good measure, as he met Kit’s gaze.

Isac nodded too, again, and then leaned down to drop a chaste kiss on Kit’s mouth. The omega coaxed Kit’s bottom lip to escape the press of his teeth, and then traced over it with his tongue. “Yes,” he said, and, after another short press of lips; “It’s cute.”

“Cute?” Kit echoed, tilting his chin up, chasing the mirthfully curling mouth.

“Kitty’s already got a wee crush, huh?” Isac grinned, shifting in his spot on top of Kit, knees pressing down on either side of his torso. He rutted his hips down, effectively reminding Kit that his hands were cradling Isac right where his inner thighs met his groin. “Can’t wait to meet him, then.”

“Not a cat! How many times - ”

“Oh, wah wah wah. My pretty little omega is _ so _ mean,” Isac said mockingly, shifting his hips into Kit’s hold, uncaring of his complaining words. Liam huffed out a quiet laugh. The alpha’s touch was soft when he brushed across Kit’s cheekbone, fingers trailing to touch where Isac had just kissed his lips. It was honestly amazing that such sweet kisses could come out of a mouth that also said things like: “Always calls me cute names and kisses me and lets me knot his mouth, boo hoo, woe is me.” 

“Ah… Shit,” Kit said, thoughts cutting short at the surprising... _ turn of events, _ there. He recovered rather quickly though, and grinned up at Isac, playfully hopeful. “Meow?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying out this biology based imprinting concept, hopefully it holds up as I find it interesting to mess with haha! 
> 
> Thank you for reading! Happy Halloween boo x
> 
> -
> 
> moodboard & chill - https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	5. Chapter 5

NATHAN

When it was finally somewhat sunny, for the first time in ages, Nathan had a morning shift at the library, and then uni until 5:30 PM, after.

Not that the weather really mattered to him, he wouldn’t have done anything much anyway, even if he’d had the afternoon free. It was just a learned habit, to feel pressured when the weather was finally nice. He had nowhere to go, so the fireball was free to do whatever it pleased.

Nathan was sitting cross legged in the middle of the second _‘S to U’_ isle, the hazy mid morning light filtering in softly through the high windows. The library was quiet, most people still at work or school, and so Nathan didn’t feel bad for taking over the whole space between the shelves. He wasn’t even doing anything too urgent, just reorganising the rows and checking the general condition of their stock, while returning books to their slots from his overloaded trolley. 

The day was looking tolerable, the calm and quiet of the library helping Nathan’s mind to settle. 

Of course, that didn’t last long.

The thing that immediately turned the tolerable direction of his morning into absolutely intolerable, came in the form of an unwelcome passerby. 

The alpha peaked in between the shelves, clearly having walked past Nathan at first, before backtracking, and he was now confidently making his way towards Nathan. 

He had a big smile and a large gap between his two front teeth. Which could’ve been cute, if he wasn’t otherwise such a twat. The man’s buzz cut had grown all out since the last time Nathan had seen him, and the feathery brown hair was now pushed back, the front quiffed and soft. 

Nathan groaned inwardly.

“Eyy, Nate the Great!” Sammy called cheerily, pausing when he was already standing too close. Only a moment later Nathan found himself blinded by his own fringe, the alpha’s knuckles digging into the bird’s nest on his head. “I forgot you work here!”

Well, that wasn’t a surprise… It wasn’t like Nathan’s life was that interesting to the alpha. Or important.

He ducked away from the annoying hand patting at the top of his head, and rubbed up his face to get his undisrupted vision back. 

“Cool,” Nathan said, nudging a stack of books to safety before Sammy stepped on them with his sleek looking tan Oxfords. The alpha had new glasses, too; thin framed and round, and somehow they managed to make him look both pretentious and way more innocent than he had any right to be looking. Talk about misleading. “Now, go away.”

“Ah, always so bitchy,” Sammy tutted, “Here I am, checking on my baby cousin, and this is the greeting I get?”

Their age difference really wasn’t big enough for Nathan to earn that title but, whatever. Nathan rolled his eyes, and pointedly went back to reshelving. “You just said you didn’t even remember I work here, you prick.”

“Language, O,” Sammy just said, all sing-songy, and then dropped down to a crouch right next to Nathan. The light grey suit he was wearing looked expensive. What an arsehole, honestly. “Did you eat yet? You look skinny.”

“Thanks, Sammy,” Nathan sighed, pushing a book into a tight slot, using a tad more force than maybe necessary. 

“‘m not tryna be rude,” Sammy said, surprisingly serious, and then, when Nathan paid him no mind, he flicked his fingers lightly at Nathan’s arm. “Really, though. Have you lost weight? This place must pay enough to cover food. You’re doing full shifts, right?”

Nathan sighed, but nodded. And kind of shrugged. Because, whatever. He was fine. 

When the alpha lifted his chin, stupid gob already opening, he looked just too _ knothead-y _for Nathan to not cut in: “You’re not giving me money, Samuel.”

“You need an alpha,” Sammy said decidedly, for the umpteenth time, and ignored Nathan’s words completely. He then eyed Nathan up and down, before nodding, as if deciding on it. “Someone’s got to keep an eye on you.”

“Fuck off,” Nathan said. What he needed, and didn’t need, was none of Sammy’s business. 

Especially not after he’d more or less kicked Nathan out of their flat. Well. Sammy’s flat. 

It wasn’t that simple, anyway. As if he could just magically manifest himself a mate. So stupid. Also, no alpha, no mate - no matter how lovely the thought of finally finding a bond was - none of that would _ fix _ him. It wasn’t their job. Nathan would never expect that from anyone. It wasn’t their burden to take care of. _ He _ wasn’t their burden to take on. 

“Well, you’re clearly doing a shit job taking care of yourself.” The alpha frowned, and Nathan could tell he was genuinely a bit concerned. It still irked him, the way Sammy went about these things. Despite maybe having good intentions. “I’ve got some mates who’d defo tap that. We should get -”

Yeah. Nope. Good intentions or not, fuck that.

What a prick.

Nathan cut him off before Sammy could say anything more about ‘tapping that’, “Do you have a reason to be here, or did you just pop in to insult me and pimp me to your mates?”

“Sensitive,” Sammy huffed under his breath, and Nathan scowled at him until the alpha lifted his hands up in mock-surrender. “Ugh, fine. Was just trying to help.”

“Right,” Nathan said dryly, and smacked back when Sammy poked his arm. 

“Just had to return some books,” the alpha sighed then, and, instead of bothering Nathan again, nudged his frames higher on his nose. “The office is doing this whole eco thing. Trying to minimise the amount of paper and new materials, and all that.”

“That’s good,” Nathan said, actually pleasantly impressed, and tilted his head to look at Sammy, who shrugged.

“Sure. Save the rainforests, free the nipple, whatever,” he said flippantly, and Nathan wanted to push him until he fell on his pompous arse. “All our interns are at another branch for training this week. Someone’s got to do their bloody jobs, so here I am.”

“Isn’t it their job to be at the training?” Nathan said flatly, and as little as he knew about the business world, he was pretty sure that no intern could be in two places at once. Not that it stopped companies from expecting exactly that from their unpaid trainees.

“Don’t know, don’t care.” Sammy grinned too widely, hazel eyes squinting behind his glasses from the strength of it, and the gesture was making it obvious that he was just trying to aggravate Nathan. As usual. Well, _ hopefully _ that was the case. Poor interns, if not. “Anyway. Let’s go.”

“Sorry?” Nathan asked, blinking in surprise. He had to tilt his head back to look up at Sammy, the alpha straightening up from his crouch. 

“Apology accepted,” Sammy said, like the five year old he still was, and then promptly hauled Nathan up by his armpits. “Who’s your boss? The gran-A at the front desk?”

“If Elizabeth hears you call her that, she’ll cut your balls off,” Nathan said, and huffed, squirming until Sammy let go of him. “I have work, y’know? Go bully someone else.”

“I’m not bullying you! We’re going out for brunch, you ungrateful brat,” Sammy said, already heading towards the end of the isle, clearly expecting Nathan to follow like a good little puppy.

Which Nathan did, because he sucked, and because he hated letting people down. Yes. Even the likes of his cousin.

With a frustrated frown, Nathan shoved the books from the floor back into the trolley. He pushed the too full and stiffly moving thing against the shelf, and then scurried after the alpha before he actually managed to get himself castrated.

-

Brunch with Sammy turned out to be some more of the same. 

The alpha kept shoving food in Nathan’s face, as well as his phone, to show pictures of his “very suitable” friends. They’d bickered and swatted at each other for a couple of hours, and then Sammy dropped Nathan off at the campus. 

He’d somehow managed to trick Elizabeth into giving Nathan the rest of his shift off. Although, based on the look she’d had on her face while Sammy had sweet talked her, Nathan was pretty sure he had been given the hours off just to recover from this arsehole. Betty had even exchanged a longsuffering look with him, before Sammy had bullied Nathan out of the building. 

At least he’d gotten a full belly out of it... 

And, y’know, social exhaustion, or whatever. 

With a heavy exhale, Nathan tucked his thumbs under the straps of his backpack. He had a couple of hours to kill before his first lecture started, and standing there, by the campus parking lot, he suddenly felt completely lost. What was he supposed to do now?

It didn’t make sense to go back to his flat, he’d have to come back almost right away to make it to class on time. He’d probably just fall prey to his bed, anyway, if he tried that.

Fuck, he was tired. And he hadn’t even done anything.

Fucking Sammy.

Nathan sighed, feeling restless and on edge, and forced his feet to move. Maybe he could nap in the lecture hall? There was a chance it wouldn’t be used before his course needed it. 

The hallways inside were pretty empty as Nathan wandered through the maze of them. He felt out of place, like he was there without permission, and the uni security was just waiting to stop him at any moment to check his student ID. Which was ridiculous. Nathan had never even seen anyone get randomly ID’d at the campus.

He dug his wallet out of his back pocket, and flipped it open to see his student card.

Ridiculous. 

Yeah.

Nathan scowled at his unnecessary paranoia, and stuffed the thing back in his jeans with a quiet huff. He really needed to get his shit together. 

That’s what kept circling in his mind, as he turned a corner into yet another echoing hallway. 

Nathan was very much aware that he wasn’t, like, fine? 

Months after moving into his new flat, his life hadn’t changed much. Sure, he didn’t have to walk to uni anymore, unless he wanted to, and he was now fully used to the routine of working in the library. 

But. It was just so… dull. 

Everything was dull. And the scariest part was that it felt familiar at this point. Comforting, even. For a moment, he’d thought that maybe things were clearing up a bit, despite the lovely surprise of Sammy kicking him out... Except now that he looked back, Nathan was starting to realise that it had been pretty dull then, too. He had just been too distracted by the stress of finding himself a place to stay, to actively be aware of it. 

Yeah… He hadn’t had as much time to focus on how dissatisfied he was. With, well... Everything. All his energy had gone to holding off the anxiety, while he tried to frantically sort things out.

Dull.

Not that the distraction, in the form of Sammy’s arseholery, had been the good kind, obviously. With each day Nathan spent on his own, he realised he must’ve really fucked up somewhere along the way there. It wasn’t... Nothing about this, about how he_ existed_, was healthy. 

Nathan had in no way been in a good place for a dramatic change in his living situation, no matter how much he preferred living on his own. It was just- too much. Too dramatic, for someone like Nathan, who already seemed to live in a constant state of fight or flight. 

His whole life, everything had always felt like a blurry unpredictable mess. Nathan had no direction, no clear vision of where he was going, and he had always just- existed. 

Nathan felt stupid for still being so heartbroken over the flat situation - which he, by the way, refused to label as betrayal, because he wasn’t a fucking child. Especially knowing how poorly it could’ve really gone, he should just let it be. 

Seriously, the more time passed, the more he wanted to throttle his past self for being so bloody naive. Nathan had honestly thought that moving out from his parents’ would fix something. He’d thought that having to find his own place, his own personal space without arrogant alpha cousins, was a blessing in disguise, and would fix something. He’d thought _ time _ would fix something. 

Yet here he was, probably worse than ever.

The overwhelm was real, and the more space he managed to create between the conflicts of his childhood home and himself, the more they seemed to haunt him. 

Just because Nathan had thought he was finally able to settle down somewhere comfortable and _ safe_, it was only getting more and more obvious how unhappy he actually was. Still, no matter how much the isolation and loneliness was choking him, Nathan refused to even think about moving again. Yeah, no. He hadn’t been alone as much, but life hadn’t been just dull living with Sammy; it had been dull _ and _annoying. And fucking hell, was Nathan commited to not going back to his parents’ house. 

Even the thought of that was enough to tighten the muscles of his neck. 

Nathan sighed, and paused at the door of the lecture hall, peering in through the window on the door. A handful of students sat at the front of the room, the professor directing a laser pointer at the material projected onto the screen. 

_ Nevermind, then_, Nathan thought dryly, and tried to stifle the flare of frustration that arose inside him. He knew he was just tired, but at the same time, when was he not? 

It had not been fun, far from it, but Nathan had been trying to take a hard look at his life, and at himself, for these past few months. He was still working on it, every day trying to untangle some of what was going on with him, and why he was the way he was. 

Because, in all honesty? 

His life fucking sucked.

Nothing was wrong, though! Of course not, that would’ve been easy. 

He had a nice flat, a job, and uni was going well enough… Not that he gave a crap about his course at this point; history had been his best subject in secondary school, and, as going to university had always felt like it was expected of him, Nathan had just gone with that. Maybe he could somehow spin it into a more advanced curators position at the library? An archivist? Not that he was interested in any of that, just like he wasn’t really interested in anything, but. Money, y’know. 

Still, nothing was wrong. Nathan even had some acquaintances who hadn’t disappeared yet, and would lend him pencils for the seminars if he forgot to bring his. Not that he felt very close with any of them, but then _ again_, he never really did, with anyone.

Nathan tugged on the straps of his bag, footsteps echoing as he decided to just head out, to get some fresh air. He’d be stuck inside for the rest of the day anyway. 

He licked his dry lips, and dodged a group of people hanging out around a pair of vending machines. Their laughing chatter sounded sour to Nathan’s ears, and thinking like that made him feel like a shit person. Shittier.

No one paid him any mind as he made his way through the main hall of the building. Why would they? Nathan barely looked up from the tiles of the floor, desperately wanting to feel noticed, while doing his best to hide away. 

He really had no place here, did he? He didn’t know how to create space for himself in this world, not outside the safe bubble he inhabited.

He didn’t belong. Not here, not there. Anywhere. It was like carrying a glass box around himself, seeing people and interacting with them on a surface level, but always getting blocked if he tried to reach out a hand. A bubble, a box; a self-imposed cage he didn’t seem to be able to control. 

The thing that he had been missing living with Sammy? Connection. The thing he had been missing with his friends growing up? Connection. The thing he had been missing with his family? Connection. Oh... And also a one fucking moment of not fighting and screaming and conflict. But, y’know, whatever. 

It was probably hard to connect in that sort of environment, anyway. Hiding had been the best option back then; to be quiet so the attention wouldn’t turn on him. It was better to let his mum and dad scream at each other. 

But where do you hide, when you’re in the same space as what you’re hiding from? Where do you go, when the only people who bring you comfort, are also the people causing the discomfort? 

Well, turns out, Nathan was pretty damn good at turning inwards. Lock up those pesky little emotions, and slam the door shut right after them. Mama and papa ain’t got time for those, it’s way more important to have hours-long war over dirty teacups.

So, there’d been a disconnect in Nathan’s childhood home, and his child brain had done the best it could to protect him. You close off, don’t feel, and you hide where it’s quiet. The problem with that? To connect with others again, you can’t hide. You can’t be all locked up in your head. No matter how much Nathan was craving for some kind of recognition and true feelings, he feared he’d never be able to get there. It felt impossible. Scary. Not worth the pain he’d learned to expect. 

But, Nathan wanted to feel that connection. He wanted to feel _ normal, _and he was trying so bloody hard, okay? Just, fucking...

He understood the psychology behind it. He knew why a child would push down all emotions in a conflict filled home, where their fear went unnoticed. Or, hell, in any home! Getting a dismissive or negative response to big emotions, especially to the ones the child was still just learning to understand, was tricky at best. Not getting a response at all? Well, it must’ve meant the feelings didn’t matter. They were an inconvenience. 

If they didn’t matter - and if the times they _ did _ get acknowledged, they got a negative response - what were they good for? 

Bullshit, that’s what this whole thing was. His whole life.

Nathan just wanted to feel like he existed outside his head. Was that too much to ask? 

Just… A connection, to anything. Even if it was to a place, Nathan would bloody take it. He was so done feeling like he was floating about, pointless, not attached to anything. The amount of times he could remember being at home, anxiously thinking, “_I want to go home,_” was distressing. As was the amount of times he could remember being around the people he counted as friends, continuously and distantly being aware that they wouldn’t even notice if he wasn’t there. 

Well, they probably would’ve, but that was just what Nathan’s brain insisted on doing in situations like that.

He was supposed to enjoy himself. And maybe he did, at times. Yet, again and again, he was left feeling like something was missing. These other people must’ve figured out something crucial, something that Nathan just hadn’t. Something wasn’t quite _ there_. 

He was constantly left to yearn for better, but how’d he know that_ better _ existed, if he had never felt that _ better_? What if this _ was _ joy, and he just had weirdly ambitious expectations for life? 

A bloody mess, it was. 

However, it all started from him. Sure, Nathan could trace it to his childhood, reason with why things were like they were. But now, as a young adult, independent, and dreadfully aware of his own dull existence, Nathan acknowledged that it started from him. 

There was no way that a room full of strangers would instantly dislike and disconnect from him, just upon him walking into the room with them. It was just impossible. Strangers couldn’t have an opinion on him, so it was himself that threw around the assumptions. It was him that predicted the outcome: I don’t belong here. They don’t care. I should just leave. 

It was him, who isolated. Because he feared getting hurt, and he feared receiving the same eternal disappointment and dismissal he was used to.

Nathan was done. Just… Done. 

Done with feeling so dull and unaccomplished. Done feeling directionless, done not knowing what he wanted, and done not really allowing himself to feel that much at all.

He _ needed_ to do something. Like, “_Thanks lad, you did well_,” he wanted to say to his younger self, “_but we don’t need to hide anymore. We’re out. It’s okay to feel things now._”

Out of all things Nathan didn’t know, it seemed like he did know the importance of _ this _. Maybe he didn’t know what he wanted when it came to the rest of the things in life, but he knew he wanted to feel properly. After years of apathetically freefalling in life, he wanted to actually enjoy it. He wanted change.

The air was startlingly cold, when Nathan pushed the door open and stepped outside. It was still bright and sunny, the daylight a warm yellow as it blinded him.

Nathan breathed in, lungs aching as he held the air. _ A change. _

A change, just for him. Because, maybe he deserved that, after all? A little bit. He had felt bleak for long enough, surely. 

His exhale turned into a hazy cloud as it passed his lips, the smoke twirling over the sunlight. 

This time, without a crisis waiting for him whenever he went home, Nathan decided he’d sort himself out. He decided he could do it. 

It was time for him to finally find himself, and to start feeling like he was actually living life. Find direction. Find meaning. 

No distractions. Just him, his messy brain, and his life. 

It was time.

“Hey, mate,” the distraction said, “I’m Liam.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nat doesn’t really realise it, but Sammy is a bit of a trigger for him, hence the onslaught of feels, emotional flashbacks, and repetitive/racing thoughts. He just thinks the guy is an arse, which, fair enough, lol. 
> 
> -
> 
> Also, yo, I made a moodboard-tumblr for this! There’s some vibe-y stuffs and psychology stuffs thrown in there, so yah. Check it out if that’s your kinda thing. (I found this one especially fitting tattoo of a blind cat being led by his smol guide-velociraptor, and ohohoo, if that ain’t the manifestation of certain characters who wish to remain anonymous for the sake of their privacy.)
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Absolutely love reading your thoughts on these chapters! I was having some trouble and doubts with this one, but then I leeched some positive energy and stole some ideas from your comments and huehuehue, here's LIAM:

LIAM

Kit was bouncing on his toes, looking remarkably much like a nervous little kid, considering that he was a heavily tattooed grown man, and the actual manifestation of the tall, dark, and handsome. 

The alpha was biting his knuckles, antsy eyes jumping from one place to another. The longer top section of his hair was looking a bit wild from the wind, and he kept pushing the curls back with his way too lively hands. Liam wanted to kiss his stupid face, but they were trying to not get distracted, focus on the steady current of people milling around the campus. 

This whole _ thing _ had turned out to be trickier than expected. Or, maybe they should’ve expected this, it was just that their optimism and tentative interest and _ excitement _ refused any negative connotations. Still, the fact was that they knew next to nothing about this omega.

He’d been on the campus, at least once. That was pretty much it, for what they knew. Which was why they’d begrudgingly decided to just hope for the best, whenever they stopped by the university. They all had lives though, and they couldn’t really just drop everything to go and move in at the campus. No matter how much they might have wanted to do exactly that.

On top of having been at the campus, at least once, the omega’s scent was also so very lovely, according to Kit. The imprint wasn’t showing any signs of waning. The fact that Kit had always been the type to crush fast and crush hard, probably didn’t help the biological side of things. Affection and love came easy to the alpha, even when it might’ve been wiser to slow down a little, to avoid getting hurt. 

Liam really hoped nothing too hurtful would happen, hating the idea of Kit getting his heart bruised just because the imprint was messing with his feelings. It was hard not to get thrilled with him, though. 

Kit kept switching from being excitedly wired, to stressed over thinking how it was all too creepy and stalkerish and _ impossible_. 

Liam was pretty sure that all crushes, imprint-led or not, were somehow stalkerish. At least until it was clear that both parties - _ all _ parties - involved were on the same page. There wasn’t really a way around it; people had to get to know each other somehow. No one could control their biology or their feelings, so as long as people were respectful, and would back off if told so, it was just part of life.

Kit had just scowled when Liam shared all this with him, but at least the man seemed a little less anxious, after. Well, a little less anxious over being_ a stalker_. One down, too many to go...

“Liam,” Kit said, a whiny tone back to his voice again. Liam sighed in preparation, and watched the way the laces of Kit’s black boots swayed with his restlessness. “What if he was like a, like an exchange student? A foreign exchange student! Liam, we’re doomed…” Kit exhaled, long and dramatic, “He must be back to, like, France, by now.”

“France?” Liam asked, trying not to show his fond amusement too obviously. He knew that Kit was nervous, and that for a usually such a confident alpha like him, it was a lot to deal with. But still. How did he even come up with these things? Bloody France.

“Well, I don’t know,” Kit huffed, “He looked chic like that.”

“Yeah? Was it the Eau de Je non... uh, possède? Un - umbrella?” Liam grinned proudly at Kit. He’d charm any French exchange student with his near fluency, all a courtesy of that one secondary school beginners course. 

“Je n'ai pas de _ parapluie_, also, shut up, you sound like a door,” Kit said, but he was smiling now. Liam knocked their shoulders together.

“I’ll tell your grand papa that you know more French than Portuguese,” he teased, watching happily as his alpha momentarily leaned closer, unconsciously, just to dose himself in Liam’s scent. That always did things to Liam, something warm and proud and content sparking up inside of him. 

Kit scoffed, “You know he doesn’t really speak English that well, so good luck with that.”

“Excuse me?” Liam said flatly, “I’ll have you know, that the one time I saw him on your FaceTime, we had a very fruitful conversation.”

“You mean the part where he was too enamoured to stop staring at your blond cherubs’ nest?” Kit asked, eyes flicking up to eye at Liam’s hair. 

He reached up after a moment and smoothed the wavy strands poking out at his temple. Liam smiled at him, dimples no doubt popping with the sunniness of the gesture, and he leaned into the touch of his chilly fingers. 

Kit opened his mouth to say something, mirth twinkling all over his features, but suddenly his eyes snapped towards the doors of the building, his hand forgotten in mid air.

Liam followed his gaze, eyeing the people standing about and crossing the yard, until his eyes landed on the one Kit’s attention was glued to. 

Okay.

Okay, yeah, Liam could see why Kit was so enthralled, even without any influence from pheromones and scents. 

The omega standing there had a messy brown hair that looked like he’d just been napping, and he was fussing with his fringe until it didn’t lay quite as close to his eyes. He was quite tall and slim, and the bulky hoodie he was wearing, the sleeves hanging over his knuckles, only made him appear slighter.

_ Adorable_, Liam decided. And then, _ Good. _

It was a quiet relief, to know that the budding attraction and interest were there for Liam, too, right away. That wasn’t always the case, not even within a settled pack, and that was just something that had to be acknowledged and accepted. Attraction couldn’t be forced, but clearly that wasn’t something they’d have to worry about in Liam’s case. It was _ there_, curious and tentative. 

“Is that him?” Liam asked softly, and wrapped his fingers around Kit’s lingering hand, bringing it back down. He couldn’t help but catalogue the way the omega’s legs seemed to go on for days, gangly and coltish, and yet somehow oddly _ chic, _ or whatever Kit had called it. 

“Yeah, I… You’ll…” Kit said, or tried to, and Liam felt a warm tug inside his chest from witnessing his mate so unusually unsure, almost timid. He turned to face him properly, pushing down the interested urge to just keep _ watching_, in favour of focusing on his alpha. Kit cared so much, and always tried to do right by everyone. It was sweet that he was so worried. 

Liam squeezed his hand. 

“Okay,” Kit said with a sigh, and then nodded his head, a small smile settling in the corners of his mouth. “Okay. I’ll just -” he twirled his free hand in the air, eyes stubbornly sliding back to the doors even though he was clearly trying not to stare, “Y’know.”

“Yeah,” Liam said, swiping a hopefully calming thumb over the back of Kit’s palm. 

“This is so weird,” Kit sighed again, fingers of his other hand rubbing his bowed mouth in a nervous tell. The ink on his knuckles looked even darker than usual, the cold air having turned his hands red.

“It’s not. Not like you mean,” Liam reminded him. It wouldn’t have done them any good if Kit decided to start backtracking because he thought they were being creepy again. Liam was feeling quite nervous himself, in an excited way, but still. He really hoped he wouldn’t muck this up for all of them. “Off you go now, puss puss.”

Kit’s glare was exactly what Liam had intended for the nickname to manifest, and he smiled his sweetest angelic smile to counter the lethal stare.

“I’ll text you,” Liam said then, squeezing Kit’s hand once more, before letting go. The alpha opened his mouth, but instead of saying something, he ended up just nodding tensely. His eyes skipped to the omega once more, and then, with a heavy swallow, back to Liam. 

Kit nodded again.

And then promptly turned on his heels, heading towards the parking lot. 

Okay.

Liam bit down on his lip.

Okay.

He could do this. He could do this, and not make it weird. Definitely. Maybe he’d have to lie a little bit, or, like, twist the truth, at first? Because, although Kit was stressing way too much, it _ was _ a strange situation to be in, trying to hunt down a person. Yup. That even sounded bad.

Liam decided to go with something easy and relevant enough, as he started carefully making his way across the walkway. And… They were allowed to be interested, okay? There was nothing wrong or suspicious about that. It was supposed to be cute, and _ romantic, _ to have a crush, for fuck’s sake. Or even the imprint. How else were people supposed to get to know _ anyone_, if not by going up to them, and talking to them? 

Totally not a creep, only genuine interest and dimples and cute cherubiness. That’s him.

Liam could do this. 

The omega had clearly noticed him by then, but his eyes were literally anywhere but Liam, his shoulders subtly rising up to signal a quiet _fuck off_.

He could... maybe do this?

Liam faltered a little at that, not too keen on bothering someone who clearly didn’t want to be bothered, but… Maybe he could still try. Just, carefully? Not be too pushy, and get the hint, if the defensiveness lingered. 

“Hey, mate,” Liam said, trying to sound friendly and easy-going, as he slowed down to a stop when he reached the boy. The omega’s eyes were blue, just like Kit had said, and they stared at Liam like he had grown two heads, before the gaze was snapped down. “Is this the Journalism building?” 

“Oh, hi, um…” The boy looked up again, and then to the side, his long fingers curling around the straps of his backpack. “I don’t think there is a Journalism building? Or, a building just for… Maybe the- you might be looking for the Communications?” 

Liam felt a bit bad seeing how wrongfooted the omega clearly was by the situation. Especially because he knew all Isac’s buildings pretty well, so he was only really asking to have a reason to talk.

But the boy was right; the Journalism department was mainly in the Communications building, but their lectures were pretty much all over the campus.

“Communications? Is that the one with the indoor flower garden thingy?” That was actually a genuine question, but still… Why did it always have to be so strange to approach new people… Liam didn’t like playing games, but it wasn’t like he could just blurt out: _ ‘Hi! So, my alpha imprinted on your scent and I think that could happen to me too, and oh right, we’re also bonded to an omega who goes to your uni, would you like to hang out?’ _ Yeah. Not intimidating at all. Liam sighed internally. 

And then he had to consciously stop himself from sighing all dreamily, very audibly, because suddenly, _ there was a smile! _

It was a small one, barely there, really, but holy hell did it ever make a difference on his face.

“You mean… the green house?” the omega asked, looking down to hide the airy laughter that brushed out his mouth. Liam couldn’t hold back his happy answering smile, feeling kiddy and excited. Maybe that _fuck off _had been unintentional, or a misreading on Liam's part. Maybe? Hopefully. “That’d be the Design and Architecture.”

Liam scrunched up his face with a helpless sort of air, and then smiled apologetically on top. Dimples out to draw ‘em in… No. Oh _ no_, he was so bad at flirting. Did this even count as that? Isac would be laughing his arse off if he’d seen Liam now. 

“Yeah, I’m a bit lost. I think I know the buildings but the names are still a bit messy,” he huffed with a shrug. 

That wasn’t a _ complete _twisting of truth, either. After all, he did mostly navigate through Isac texting shit like: 

_ the 1 w/ the quickie corner 8o==D ~ ~ ;9 _

or simply: 

_ the weird red one!!! _

“‘m just trying to find someone, and he’s not replying,” Liam added, and that wasn’t usually even a lie, and he rolled his eyes a bit. “Isac’s doing master’s in Journalism. I’m Liam, by the way.”

For a short moment the omega seemed stone faced, the pause only a second too long to go unnoticed, but then some sort of secret tension loosened from his shoulders. He’d made a decision, by the looks of it, because he cleared his throat next, pink tongue running over his bottom lip, and he briefly met Liam’s eyes.

“Well, I could… I can show you where the Communications building is?” He looked so earnest now, all bright eyed and ready to help. He was swaying on to his toes, just a little bit, his hands nervously tugging on the bag straps. “I’m Nathan.”

_ Nathan_. 

“That would be great!” Liam was quick to rush out, and then had to really focus on not gasping because of the bashfully pleased look Liam’s excitement brought to _ Nathan’s _ face.

And what a nice face that was. Liam could tell that he would already do pretty much anything to bring that sweet, surprised, expression back. And... Was he being too eager? He was starting to sound like Kit… But _ Nathan _kept being more and more precious, and Liam was just a man, just an alpha. He should still calm it. Not to scare him away. That would be horrible. 

Once they started to walk, Liam trailed after Nathan, feeling a bit useless and still too excited. The omega’s scent really was lovely, but Liam was trying to avoid getting too lost into it. He needed a brain for this, and the way Kit had turned into a bumbling idiot in a heartbeat, was enough to remind Liam to stay on guard. Each lungful was making his limbs warm up, though, the coiling, welcoming, scent filled with promising hues. Yeah. Liam could already tell it was an imprint waiting to happen. Just give it a little time, and he’d be just as instinct-drugged as Kit.

Did that mean Isac would be the only one fully functioning? Oh god. 

Well, until - and_ if _ \- Isac's pack-sense would accept the other omega, of course. Then they’d all just be useless and dumb together.

And Liam was really getting ahead of himself.

He shook his head to get rid of the twirling thoughts, recognising how it was Nathan's scent that was managing to make him a bit loopy. Damn it. It was hard to not just _ indulge_. Omega’s always smelled so bloody nice. It was even more intense when he was actually hyper focused on the person.

_ Calm it. _

They walked past the weird red building, and Liam thought of how Isac did, in fact, have some sort of contact hours with his teachers today. Liam just had no idea when or where. 

Aiming for an easy-going tone again, he told Nathan that he didn’t know when Isac was finishing, and that he was planning to just wait around until he did, hopefully in the general direction of the Journalism department. When he asked Nathan about his schedule, the omega shrugged slightly, and told him he had a few hours before his lectures started.

He seemed quiet, but _ not, _and if he hadn’t been glancing at Liam to check he was still with him, Liam would’ve maybe thought he was invading his space. 

Nathan was clearly very careful, but he seemed eager enough to keep chatting with Liam, and not like he was getting uncomfortable. Just, nervous? He was listening to every word, too, even as his eyes skittered all over the place. 

Watching the sunlight bounce from the omega's dark hair, Liam wanted to thank the universe for the finally nice weather. And for their timing today. And for how this cute omega awkwardly pointed a hand at a row of benches, and stiltedly suggested that they could wait for Liam’s friend there. But it was fine if Liam had other plans already, and only if Liam wanted to, of course. 

Which, duh.

Liam noticed something relax within himself after that, the invitation clearing up some of the questions about whether Liam was actually welcome or not.

They ended up sitting side by side on a seat facing the large green park area on the west side of the campus. Nathan tugged on the straps of his backpack again, seeming to consider shrugging it off of his shoulders, before thinking better of it.

Yeah. He was a darling one, all rambly and fidgety when he talked, and then almost too still when he didn’t. Liam couldn’t help but want to figure him out.

“So, what are you studying, Nathan?” Liam asked, leaning back against the cool wood of the bench. 

The boy’s name felt unfamiliar and _ fresh _ in his mouth, but he used it purposefully, wanting to acknowledge him properly. To show that he had listened when he introduced himself. 

Maybe it was silly, but Liam felt like it was polite. And nice. Important. 

Nathan, it turned out, seemed to feel _ something _ about it, too. The moment his name fell out of Liam’s mouth, the omega’s eyes snapped to him, wide and tracking, intense. 

As if he was expecting a - scold?

The moment was short, and the subtle tension disappeared just as quickly as it had appeared. Liam would’ve definitely missed it if he hadn’t been watching.

The strange moment softened when Nathan’s lips jerked into a lopsided little smile. He rubbed his palms over his thighs, long fingers pale against the black fabric of his fitted jeans. 

“History. Second year,” Nathan said, eyes meeting Liam’s only for a short moment. When Liam smiled, the omega’s gaze quickly skittered towards the trees growing along the walkways. “Still haven’t figured out if I’m going to specialise in something but… Yeah. History.”

“Sounds interesting,” Liam said honestly, and watched Nathan shrug. He didn’t expand on it, even though Liam would’ve loved to hear more about his course, but the omega was still smiling, at least. In that barely there way, sure, but smiling nonetheless. “And don’t worry too much about the specialisation. Everyone always stresses over that, but it usually sorts itself out just fine.”

“Yeah,” Nathan said, tone telling he was genuinely appreciative of Liam’s words, which… _Fuck_, that felt nice. Oh. And, it would’ve also been _nice_, if Liam’s stupid alpha brain could stop preening so he could _focus_. “How about you? I’m guessing you don’t go here, if you’re still a bit lost.”

The words were a little bit teasing, and Liam grinned. 

“Who knows, maybe I’m just a bit thick with my sense of direction?” he said, and got an adorable little nose wrinkle as a reward for it. Okay. Damn. Liam was _ already _ having a hard time not to bloody coo at him, so Kit, with his heart on his sleeve, would never even stand a chance. Liam didn’t even dare to think what sort of trouble Isac would stir up. Oh, trouble, trouble indeed… 

“I’m sure you aren’t,” Nathan said reassuringly, his laugh just a quiet exhale of breath. 

“Okay, yeah,” Liam agreed, shaking his head playfully. He straightened his legs then, the small rocks on the asphalt scratching under his shoes. “As long as I manage to navigate the footy field, I’m all good.” When Nathan turned to briefly peek at him, blue eyes questioning, Liam shrugged, “I play football.”

“Wh- Like, professionally? You get paid?” Nathan asked, genuine surprise relaxing his face, and he sat up straighter, clearly curious. Then, just as suddenly, he seemed to startle at his own questions, brow furrowing worriedly, “Sorry, I didn’t… I mean, that’s really cool. It’s not a surprise you’d get paid, or anything, like. I’m sure you’re really good! I just haven’t met anyone who’s played footy like that, like, as a career. It’s always been a bit of a telly thing. I- oh, I-I mean, it’s still really cool even if you aren’t getting paid - ”

“Nathan. Please, chill,” Liam laughed. Amusement warmed his chest and a delighted smile spread across his face. He knew his dimples had really set in when Nathan’s eyes strayed on them for a moment, before the omega ducked his head, flush dusting his pale cheeks. 

“Sorry,” Nathan huffed, cringing, as if he thought he had insulted Liam. Liam shook his head, still smiling. 

“No worries, seriously,” he said easily, crossing his ankles and pushing wind messed hair from his forehead. “Even I think it’s ridiculous that someone’s emptying their pockets just so we can run around and kick some ball.” Liam tilted his head then, to catch Nathan’s careful gaze. He smiled to show that he really hadn’t minded the aboslutely-too-cute rambling, before saying conspiracingly, “They even pay our hotels for away games, can you believe that?” 

“That’s- really cool,” Nathan said, and Liam noticed how he tucked his fingers in between his thighs. He seemed so genuine, and adorably awkward, and Liam really hoped he wasn’t ogling too obviously... Not that Nathan would’ve seen it; not with the way his eyes kept aimlessly tracking their surroundings. “That’s probably a lot of fun. To do as a job, like?”

“It’s pretty fun, yeah,” Liam nodded, “Takes a lot of time, though. And work. It’s not just playing, we have game planning and league stuff, and all that.”

“League stuff?” Nathan asked. 

Liam hummed. “Yeah. We do fundraisers? We’ve got some different charity projects every season.” Liam tipped his head back to think, the autumn sun distantly warm on his skin. “Sponsor events, sometimes, which are terrifying, by the way.” He pulled a face at that, not looking forward to the future ones. “Hm… Oh yeah, little league coaching! That’s pretty fun. And, well. We’ve got PR training every year, too, even though we’re not really that big.” 

“Okay, wow. That sounds professional alright,” Nathan said, showing Liam another one of those smiles of his. And… He was looking at Liam like he’d told him that he was a bloody astronaut, instead of being a dumb jock, running after balls with his just as dumb mates. “That’s really great.”

“It’s mostly just us trying to make each other eat grass, really,” Liam snorted, shaking his head, “And, like, trying to one up each other at the gym.”

The oblivious way Nathan’s eyes lingered first on Liam’s thighs and then on his shoulders, did absolutely nothing to Liam. Nothing. He was fine.

“Still,” Nathan insisted, “It’s really nice you get to do what you like, and get paid for it.”

“That’s true,” Liam agreed, his voice maybe a bit too appreciative and gentle to go unnoticed. He figured it was better to distract from that, in case Nathan would think Liam was being weird. Which, he was being weird. Totally weird. But it was hard not to be excited! Fuck he couldn’t wait to see Isac and Kit. He also didn’t want to leave this moment. “Are you working, then? Or just focusing on uni?”

“Oh, I wish,” Nathan said with a quiet huff, and he rolled his eyes, an upturn lingering on the corners of his mouth. “I work at the city library. The bigger one?” When Liam nodded, he added, “It’s actually pretty okay, but, y’know. It’s for money. Not, like, a passion project?” 

“Yeah, I get that,” Liam nodded. He knew that he had truly lucked out with his career. Footy was something he’d done his whole life - ever since he’d learned how to walk, really - and even just the idea of choosing between footy and some other job was- weird. “What’d your passion project be, then? Something to do with history?” 

Nathan tugged one feet up on the bench, his body folding up into a neat curve. He pressed his fingers between the bend of his knee, and then leaned his chin on top of it. Fuck, his legs really were endless. Oh, what Liam would’ve given to have those slender thighs wrapped around his head.

Oh my- No.

Fucking. _ Focus_.

“Mm, well... Probably not history,” Nathan said, a frown creating a line in between his brows. Then he breathed out a laugh that sounded a bit pained, and Liam’s back straightened instinctively, attentive from just that little sound. “I actually have no idea what I’m doing. Or, would like to do?” Nathan shrugged, almost lazily, like he didn’t really care. The way he was leaning his chin on his knee was making his mouth pout from one side. “‘m just gonna keep doing my course and, like, hope something comes up?” 

Liam tried to push down the urge to reach out and touch, to ease the distantly melancholic, apathetic mist, that had appeared in Nathan’s gaze. The omega’s eyelashes were dark and curling upward, and the sunlight was creating shadows with them onto his cheeks. For a moment, he looked like he was somewhere else completely. 

“Hey, you’ll figure it out. Something will definitely come up,” Liam said softly, sure of it, even if he had no real authority to be. Complete strangers, a random day; a coincidence. Yet he knew, somehow.

Nathan blinked. His eyes flicked up to meet Liam’s reassuring ones, and when he looked back down, his flush was a shade darker.

“You think so?” Nathan sighed. Liam would’ve thought the boy was suddenly utterly exhausted, carrying the weight of the world by the looks of it, if Nathan hadn’t, right then, turned to smile at him. 

Properly.

The corners of his eyes crinkling a little, even.

“Know so,” Liam managed to say, feeling a bit high. The words came out surprisingly clearly, and the eye contact that followed had Liam’s heart doing some wriggly shit. 

“Well. Thanks," Nathan said, "‘m glad one of us has faith in me.” His tone was light, careless. Despite the self-deprecating words, he was looking secretly, quietly, _ pleased, _ and Liam…

Liam just knew that they were really, really, in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, it'll be Nathan's part after this one, and then Isac should be next, me thinks. Bet he's more than ready to poke in this mess by now lol. 
> 
> Thank you xx
> 
> -
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter. Tested me… SO bad. It still is testing me. I was ready to fight, honestly. Gah!
> 
> Not sure what it was exactly, but I suspect that because I aim to match the narration with the narrating character’s headspace, so… Eh, let’s just say that chaos is hard to make sense of? 
> 
> Also, some psychology stuffs, as well as some heavy repetitive thinking ahead. Don’t get frustrated with our boi. He’s tryinggg. Just be aware that this chapter might feel a bit heavy and as if it’s running in circles along Nathan’s thoughts. That’s what I tried to achieve, even though I know that it’s not necessarily the most convenient style for traditional storytelling. (Check end notes for my story-rambles on the repetitive thinking/style.)
> 
> Things will pick up speed after this chapter, me promise! (Oh boy I’m so insecure about this whole experimental psychology meets creative writing, it’d be almost funny if it wasn’t so sad loll I just hope it's not boring)<3

NATHAN

Nathan was having a crisis.

A really, _ really_, enormous one. On top of that, it was also a very weird crisis. A very good, very weird one, actually. In a way, at least… And also the worst, at the same time. Like, so bad, it was hard to breathe? Not good. But good. 

Kinda?

Ah, fucking- _ tits_...

Nathan groaned inaudibly into the crook of his elbow, too aware of the filling lecture hall to even accidentally make a peep. But the sentiment was there; he was having a bad-good-bad crisis, and he was allowed to groan about it. Quietly.

What else could he do? This was all so new and out of his control, and Nathan was worried he might shut down at any moment. Except, _ all of this _ wasn’t in that all consuming, anxiety-filled sense, which was what usually caused him to crawl into bed and hope he never had to come out. Well, sure, some of it was _ that_, but mostly it was… 

Anxious excitement? Stressed out curiosity? Panicked interest?

Yeah. Bad-good-bad crisis.

Man, how fragmented could things even feel? Things, as in; the world. But also him. But not him - because Nathan himself was his only anchoring point - yet still also him, because it was his brain feeling floaty and scattered and- Fucking tits! 

Everything felt so unreal. But also too real? Unfamiliar. And thinking was hard! Nathan’s thoughts kept running away and not making sense, and it was all so uncomfortable!

It was as if the moment Nathan had reached the point where he was able to start processing some of his… _ issues_, the universe had decided to up the game. 

Like, what the fuck? Who does that?

Nathan was supposed to be focusing on getting better! He was supposed to be working on his anxiety. And his disinterest and pointlessness. And the dullness. And he was supposed to be getting out of the self-isolated hole he’d dug himself into, but, like -

Wait. 

Nathan sat up, almost elbowing his backpack off the table with the distracted and jerky movement. 

That last one... _ Stop self-isolating. _ It was in the top three of Things To Work On on his ‘_I Can’t Live Like This_’- list. 

It had seemed like the most obvious thing to need fixing. How could he ever even dream of connecting with other people, if his first instinct to _ absolutely fucking everything_, was to get home to safety and hide? Sure, nothing could ‘hurt’ Nathan in his solitude, except solitude was actually reclusion, and being a recluse was definitely hurting him... 

So, Nathan’s brain had decided that the best way to deal with things, was to shut down, or_ in_, and hide somewhere where he could control things again. That had worked well when growing up, as he hadn’t really had other options, than to escape into his own head when things got rough. Which was every day. 

Apparently, according to the intensive research Nathan had been doing, people generally had four options when under distress: _ Fight, Flight, Freeze, _ or _ Fawn. _ All of them were useful depending on the situation, and they were reactions that had pretty much helped humankind survive for as long as they had. However, things become complicated and problematic, if a person ends up having to depend only on a limited number of those self-protective methods, and is unable to be flexible with them. 

A person who’s lived a nice little ‘good enough’ childhood, would be armed with a healthy response to the intimidating dangers of the world. They’d automatically respond with the most useful and relevant reactions, and then move on, once their healthy little caveman brain has saved their life. Another person - let’s say, some random bitch-ass called Nathan - however, has grown up in a world where there was no escape from distress. There was no possibility to fight back, and no way in hell was there an option to go in between fighting adults to kiss arse and hope that’d help, and not backfire at all and turn all the bad attention and yelling towards him and no, nope, no, just _ go to your room! I’ll deal with you later! _

Right.

So, _ Fawn _ hadn’t been an option for Nathan either. Neat.

That had left him clinging to the only available safety-mechanism: _ Freeze_. 

Be quiet. Hide. Think about something else. You’re not even there. Ignore it all. It will be over faster, if you just don’t think about it. How about we hang out in this amazing imaginary world, in your head? Oh, here’s a book, that’s great too! How many can you read in a week? Games? Comics? Just as great, can barely hear how disgusting your mum thinks your dad is! This TV-show is really great, see how easy it is to block out the thoughts and the noise? Let’s just turn the volume a little bit higher, there we go. No need to get stuck on all those things your parents hate about each other, even if a lot of those things you can also recognise in yourself. Nah. Just, have a fake conversation with someone in your head, maybe a little fantasy-romance, hm? But also subconsciously start ridding yourself of all those disgusting traits you can hear scream-listed on the other side of the house! Great!

Not great.

No.

So not fucking great, that _Nathan_ wanted to scream. Except he would never do that, because his brain was programmed to ensure that he’d always _ shut up _ and _ hide_, whenever _ a feeling _ or a bullshit situation came up. Y’know, to avoid the shitstorm of his childhood home. 

Except... he didn’t live in that chaos anymore. And wasn't that just the absolute core of everything?

Just because Nathan had managed to escape the fighting by moving out, his brain was still wired to react as if he was still there. Nathan’s handy-dandy coping mechanism was backfiring so horribly, that instead of helping him to navigate his life, it was stopping him from bloody having one.

Nathan sighed, lungs aching with the intensity of it. The lecture hall was barely full and it was only five more minutes before they were supposed to start. Not that the lecturer seemed to be giving a crap about the attendance, she just focused on fiddling with the computer at the front of the hall.

Nathan rubbed his eyes and tried to focus. Maybe he was a bit overwhelmed? He’d been reading a lot about neglect and abuse and trauma and fuck, was it a lot to process… 

Maybe he should take a break, just to digest all the information, and to see what he could actually implement to his own life? Nathan already had some things he’d started doing, but there was no way of knowing if anything was working. Not with how scattered he was feeling. Just… Too much at once? 

Maybe he just needed to stay calm, and be rational, and recognise that not everything that felt threatening, and unfamiliar, was _ bad_. Especially now that he was more aware of how everything that wasn’t solitude - _ safe, quiet, alone, in control _ \- registered as bad to him. 

Maybe, if he just paid attention to the dysfunctional ways he reacted, he could catch himself in time, and correct how things went? Maybe he could rewire his brain, push through the uncomfortableness with the aid of his rational awareness, and he’d... get better?

Fuck. 

Nathan was doomed, wasn’t he?

It all seemed so easy and clear on paper - Nathan had finally started journaling, as he probably should’ve done right after the counsellor had suggested it in the beginning of his first year - but the reality? Hey-o…

Because… So.

Liam. Right?

_ Liam _ had demonstrated exactly why Nathan was doomed. Technically speaking, the fit alpha should’ve been a very lucky, very obvious answer to all of Nathan’s isolation issues. A gentle spirit, gorgeous dimples, a causer of an instant scent imprint that was going to be ignored completely, and apparently an endless tolerance to nervous wrecks such as Nathan? What could be a more perfect way to start… not self-isolating?

Unfortunately, literally everything in Nathan was blaring red alarm lights. It was as if his whole being was screaming something messy, along the lines of: _ scary, anxious, scent, new, weird, embarrassing, unsafe, mate? no! new, unfamiliar, scary, new... _

Even though, rationally, it wasn’t even that bad? It was pretty- good, actually. Exciting. 

And apparently exciting felt close enough to anxiety and stress, that it triggered the ever so lovely malfunctioning safety-mechanism, which made Nathan want nothing more than to curl up and hide. Great.

So, yeah. 

A fucking crisis.

Nathan watched as the teacher got the monitor up and running, but he had no idea what the writing on the projector screen said. His brain was jumbled and everything felt off kilter. But… 

Maybe that was good?

The realisation, that his own messed up coping-mechanisms were the very reason why he kept feeling stuck, felt like a massive step forward. Once upon a time, his child self had learned an effective way of staying safe, and now that once effective way was stopping him from doing the things that would actually help him. And maybe being a complete recluse wasn’t a genuine introverted personality trait of his, like Nathan had always thought. And maybe these pieces actually did fit together. And... It made sense? In a messy, stupid way, it made sense. 

And when things made sense, even just a little, Nathan could work with them. Sure, this shift in his headspace was very stressful and felt like everything was out of his control. Sure, Nathan had no idea how to deal with any of it. And, sure, he was terrified. But... 

Nathan had a starting point now, and no real expectations, which meant he could only do his best. And for now, after feeling paralysed by life for the longest time, that was more than enough. 

Nathan focused on breathing, properly. The lecturer had started talking at the front of the room, but it was all just a blur, still. 

Focus. Focus on the present. A lecture hall. Chilly air conditioned room. Rough seats. Papers rustling. Mixed scents. 

_ This is here. This is real. You’re real. _

“You’re Nathan, right?” a voice said from right next to Nathan, startling the crap out of him. 

Nathan whipped his head around and came face to face with a petite alpha, a brunette girl who was settling down on the seat next to him. A quick glance around the room revealed that other people were moving seats too. 

Nathan cleared his throat, quickly glanced away from the grey-blue eyes, and then nodded in confirmation.

“Cool!” she said, resting properly onto her seat. “‘m Lucy, and I have no idea what this project is even about.”

Nathan blinked, “Project?”

“Good,” Lucy snorted, “at least we’re on the same page.” Her eyes glinted amusedly as she tilted her head towards the projector screen. Nathan followed her gaze, and found a long list of paired up names, and below them, a brief for a research report that covered forty percent of the semester’s grade.

Nathan scanned over the short instructions and links, before wondering out loud: “I think we can choose any topic we like, she just wants us to stick to the specific format?” 

“Yeah, that sounds doable,” Lucy nodded, twirling a pen in her fingers, “Got something you’d like to do it on?”

Nathan paused. 

Because... He couldn’t just outright say he didn’t really give a shit? Well. He _ did. _ He did care about doing well, and doing things right, and making sure he met all his deadlines. He cared too much, probably. But also, not… 

In all honestly, Nathan rather liked it when uni gave him some concrete things to work towards. Otherwise he’d probably just be a sad blob, doing nothing all day long. Well, a sadder blob than he already was. If some external force didn’t require him to do things, it was almost impossible to find the motivation to do anything. He wasn’t _ at all _ horrified by the thought of graduation and the empty nothingness that waited after. Sounded like a good time.

So, Nathan didn’t necessarily care about the topic, but he didn’t want to let this alpha down. Or the teachers. Or the general idea of the university. Even though it didn’t make sense how he could disappoint _ a general idea_, but, y’know. Nathan would probably find a way to do that, somehow, so he’d rather not. If he could help it.

“Uh, not really,” Nathan said, lifting one shoulder up into an awkward shrug, “You?”

Lucy tapped the pen against her mouth, squinting at the screen. “There’s some research ideas in the files she attached to the email,” she said, flicking to point the end of the pen towards the projected text. “I have nothing specific either, so we could start there?”

“Yeah, sounds good,” Nathan agreed, quietly relieved as the pressure shifted from him. 

“Except... maybe nothing to do with the World Wars?” Lucy said, a hopeful, pleading tone creeping into her voice. She turned to blink at Nathan, long brown hair falling over her shoulder.

“What? After the insanity we went through before the summer?” Nathan pretended to shudder. It felt a bit awkward, but he always did when he tried to be... normal? “I’m happy to never write another word about the World Wars.”

“Ah, good lad,” Lucy cheered, dropping her sad act to give him a tiny applause. “For a second I worried you were one of the-” she faked a dramatic and wide eyed swifty look around the lecture hall, “_you know whos_.” 

Nathan sighed with the correct amount of solemnity, and nodded, “The Voldemorts.”

“The absolute worst,” Lucy agreed playfully, a gleeful curl to her mouth. Then she shook her head and leaned back into her seat. “All jokes aside: We cool with no... modern-ish war history?”

“Uh-huh,” Nathan said, all too happy to ignore the horrific mess the current, and recent, politics were. Some people on the course were maybe a little obsessed with said topics, but Nathan wasn’t one of them, “If there’s no knights and swords, why even bother going to war over anything?”

“A solid argument, that,” Lucy said, dropping the pen to pull her phone out of the side pocket of her bag. Her short, manicured nails clicked as they tapped against the screen. “Now. Let’s get the important things sorted first.” Nathan made an agreeing noise, tugging his notebook closer so he could jot down the main points of their plan. 

Lucy nodded approvingly. “So. Have you been introduced to the hilarity that is the comment section of the ‘_Medieval Music - Hardcore Party Mix’ _on YouTube?”

\- 

Nathan kind of zoned out after the lecture finished.

And ‘kind of’ meant that he had no clue how long he had been staring into the empty space in front of him. The empty space that was actually the back of one of the campus lounge’s sofas, but whatever. At least Nathan hadn’t accidentally been staring at someone’s ear like a creep… Wouldn’t have been the first time. 

Aside from feeling a bit out of it, Nathan also felt icky.

He was exhausted, which was nothing new. All the chatting and planning with Lucy had drained him way more than was comfortable. The alpha was funny and easy enough to get along with; overall a great partner for the project. Still, Nathan felt like he needed to hibernate for at least a couple of months to recharge. It was never anything personal towards other people, socialising just took a lot out of him. 

On top of that, Nathan’s brain refused to stop over-analysing things. 

Did he genuinely need time alone to recharge or was he just pulling away to self-isolate? Were those one and the same? If not, where was the line? Was he doing enough to actually improve his situation? Was he missing something? Why was he still so exhausted even though he was now more aware of a lot of things going on in his head? Was it the awareness making him more exhausted? Was the way that he kept drifting off, and almost obsessively thinking over the new information he’d learned, actually just a new way of escaping reality, and thus part of the _ Freeze _reaction? And - 

Yeah…

Nathan’s life had outwardly changed very little, and he was actually starting to feel more anxious the more he went over these new revelations. It’d make sense that it was just the coping mechanism misfiring again, and he was escaping to these thoughts to avoid existing in the real world with the real unpleasant feelings…

Nathan was literally doing it right now. He had already gone over all of this; the day before, in the morning, during the lecture, again and again and again. It had been weeks of this. A downward spiral, almost, while his awareness expanded. The more he thought, the more exhausted he was.

Sure, there were some practical things he’d learned and had already tried to implement in his daily life. Such as, he’d been trying to be more mindful of the sensations in his body, rather than pushing them away and ignoring them. Which had kind of led to Nathan realising that some of the strange feelings he had were from the unspoken scent imprint… On Liam… Which was kind of something he still wasn’t going to think about. Absolutely not. How humiliating, no matter how little control he had on his own biology. Nathan also realised he had felt similar low-level uncomfortableness already before meeting Liam, which made absolutely no sense whatsoever. He’d been sick after getting caught in the rain, but as far as Nathan understood it, a common cold shouldn’t feel the same as an imprint? So, yes. Not thinking about it. Overwhelm and panic, be gone.

The mindfulness, otherwise, was pretty okay. Helpful. Nathan was also trying to be more active, physically, as apparently exercise was good for brain-stuff, and all that. He had been walking a lot, but it was probably good to actually get a proper workout in every now and then. The past week and a half, running had become something Nathan tried to do, was he feeling it or not. He’d get to his flat after uni or work, and would stop in only to change into some running appropriate clothes. It was… Horrible? But maybe a tiny bit less horrible every time he finished a run. At least the feeling of accomplishment was pleasant.

The last thing he’d decided to use as a tool, was the fact that his headphones were still broken. Although he kept carrying them with him for- Uh. Safety and buffer purposes...

He had been _ socially _ anxious, at some points in his life, as well. Y’know, on top of everything. But it wasn’t that much of an issue any longer. So, although the headphones had, once upon a time, given him comfort and the sense of safety in intimidating social spaces, now they seemed to just be standing in between him and the rest of the world, blocking it. 

As uncomfortable as it was, Nathan had decided to stop using them.

That was his first practical and self-aware step: Try to get rid of the unhealthy crutches. 

They had their place, but not when it started to work against him. Nathan clearly couldn’t trust his comfort-zone, and he had to rationalise himself past the subconscious, which took a lot of effort and self-awareness. 

No matter how naturally it came to him to turn to Netflix to tune out the strain of reality, it was now something he was trying to minimise. Nathan clearly couldn’t stay within healthy doses and instead always disappeared into his books and comics too excessively. Games and YouTube, as well. 

The hardest conscious effort was to cut down on the time he spent daydreaming. It was still something Nathan allowed himself at night, as fantasising fake scenarios brought him comfort and helped him sleep… His old and trusty plush Husky wasn’t quite as all powerful and comforting as she’d been when Nathan was five. 

The issue with cutting down on the unhealthy coping-habits, was that he didn't really have anything to fill the void and time that was left behind.

Nathan didn’t have any hobbies, other than the ones he abused, like gaming and reading. He didn’t have friends. He didn’t have anywhere to go, and he could only justify so much money spent on cafes.

All of this was… a lot. It was a lot to handle. Or to even keep track of.

But it was progress, maybe? At least Nathan was doing something. He was moving past the stagnant paralysing _ stuckness_, and taking some sort of action. No matter how humiliatingly insignificant it felt, and how it probably looked like nothing on the outside. It seriously took a lot of energy, and Nathan really tried to feel proud of himself for even trying. He was literally working against a full life’s worth of developmental conditioning.

Also, despite the now several - very out of his comfort zone - encounters he’d had with _Liam_, Nathan had been able to hold himself accountable for the decision to get his shit together.

So, even though Nathan wasn’t sure how to deal with this unfamiliar… attention? Interaction? He was still on track, somewhat, and he hadn’t curled up into a defencive ball. Uh. Yet.

But honestly. Like, this had never happened before? For a while there, Nathan had genuinely thought he was becoming invisible?

But now, after a week and then some, Liam still kept talking to him? Sure, Nathan did hang out in the same spots most of the time, so it wasn’t that unlikely to run into him during lunch, but… The alpha seemed to even seek him out sometimes? Specifically. Like, he would say things like: _‘There you are!’_ Or, like on one special occasion, he’d showed up with an extra tea. For Nathan. 

_ Specifically_. 

It was - confusing. Exciting, a little… And making Nathan feel secretly nice. Like he was somehow worthwhile, or, or, useful? That’s why the man kept coming back, probably? Because he was getting something out of it? Not in a bad way, just, y’know. 

Well, Nathan was getting something out of it, too. He was actually looking forward to something now. He had someone to chat with, every now and then. And Liam wasn’t making him feel so uncomfortable that he’d want to cut off all social interaction for months. Which was rare, with people outside family. 

It might’ve also had something to do with the imprint Nathan wasn’t thinking about.

But, yeah. This was all so different. Nathan couldn’t remember when was the last time someone had talked to him outside class like this. Like, Lucy, today, had been great, but it wasn’t like she’d have talked to him without the project, right?

And Liam was… nice? Or, maybe _ kind _ was a better description. Untreathening? Chill? Whatever it was, Nathan found himself genuinely enjoying the alpha’s company. More importantly, he liked the way he _ himself _ was, when in the alpha’s company. 

It was just- easy? Liam talked about anything and everything, and he pretended not to notice Nathan's awkwardness. He asked about Nathan’s course with honest interest, and he got so excited over footy that his dimpled cheeks flushed when he got really into it. 

He, well… Liam also talked freely about his pack, which was very sweet. He was so obviously in love with them that Nathan felt the emotion claw at his own chest, laced with unsolicited yearning and sorrow. It was easy to tell he was bonded, just by scent alone, and it was clear that Liam carried the pack bond proudly. 

It was… Something? 

Confusing, for sure. A little- painful, too… Especially with the imprint thing, which Nathan had completely under control and didn’t need to acknowledge. Just... What on earth had he done to the universe to deserve all this? If his body reacting to someone who was already in _an established pack_ wasn’t some serious bad-karma bullshit, then what was? Fucking hell.

Nathan couldn’t really wrap his head around Liam’s motives, anyway. Maybe he was just friendly? But no one was ever _ just friendly _with Nathan. Either people ignored him, or they were drunk or in their sixties, or both, and wanted to… 

_ Y’know. _

But that didn’t match with what Nathan was getting from Liam. The alpha seemed the type to be everything but that; too sweet for his own good, warm and caring. Basically, unreal? Which was making it hard for Nathan to… keep his distance. It felt dangerous. 

How in the hell was he supposed to work on his self-isolation like this! 

While Nathan over-analysed their every interaction, Liam had just kept reminding him to eat, frowning whenever he caught him with just a tea or a coffee during lunch. The alpha pouted and grumbled playfully, until Nathan couldn’t refuse him, and swore to grab something to eat on his way to his next class. 

Nathan actually did that, too. For some reason it was stupidly important to him to make sure he followed through, even though Liam would never know if he didn’t. And it wasn’t that Nathan didn’t want or like to eat, he just got distracted… Yet, since meeting Liam, Nathan had started to pay more attention to it, making sure he actually had a sandwich or some fruit with him when, and if, the alpha happened to show up.

Just to take better care of himself, of course. It had nothing to do with the almost too hot lurch his heart did when an approving, pleased, expression took over Liam’s face. No sir. Nathan was a healthy boy, for _ health_.

But… Was that friendly stuff? 

Like, a pack-bonded alpha showing up to treat an unmated omega? Was that… Normal? Nathan had no idea. He had literally zero experience with anything like _ that_. Hell, he struggled with just casual friendship! This kind of crap was only happening in his escapist daydreams!

Still, it felt strange… It was so out of Nathan’s depth.

It wasn’t like Liam was keeping his pack a secret, though? So maybe he _ was _just making friends... And maybe the stupid imprint was making Nathan see things that weren’t there. 

Also. Did _ they _ know their alpha-mate was hanging out with a random O during lunch? 

“Hi, Nat!”

“Ah, fu- !?” Nathan gasped, his backpack flying from the sofa because of the spooked jolt kicking through his body. Nathan blinked his brain back to the present, the whole world feeling a bit woozy and unreal after zoning out so deep in thought. His heart hurt with the way it was hammering, and his body felt freezing as he landed back into it. Where was his hypervigilance when he needed it, that bastard. “Oh, uh… Crap. S-sorry.”

Liam’s brown eyes were startled and full of concern. “Alright, love?”

_ ‘Love’… _ Why? 

Why, why, why? Ah, fuck his heart was already hurting from the scare. 

“Yeah, yeah, sorry. Hi!” Nathan croaked out, quickly rubbing a hand over his suspiciously wet eyes. Because he definitely wasn’t tearing up like a baby just from a little startle. Fuck that. “All good! What’s up? I thought you had plans for lunch?” Nathan rattled out, kicking his fallen bag so it sat against the legs of the sofa, and kind of avoided looking at Liam. 

The alpha seemed to have a little pause, before slowly, slowly, deciding to follow Nathan’s lead to ignore _ it_. 

Broadcasting his movements, a little too carefully for it to not be intentional, Liam sat down next to Nathan. 

“So did I,” Liam said as he settled against the backrest. The alpha looked at Nathan with a searching look in his eyes, but his dimples dug in like usual by the time he crossed an ankle over one knee. He also leaned an arm behind Nathan, easily resting it on the back of the couch where Nathan could feel the warmth of the alpha’s skin even though they weren’t touching. Nathan was _ so _ overly aware of it... The heat slowly crawled along Nathan’s neck to his cheeks.

Liam huffed out a laugh coloured breath, “But apparently Isac thought it was a good idea to skate indoors. Again.” 

“Again?” Nathan echoed, fingers curling against each other in his lap. His heart was still pounding too hard. His head was fuzzy. He was starting to be too comfortable and that was making this _ un_comfortable. 

Liam rolled his eyes in fond exasperation, and then paused to tug his text-buzzing phone from his pocket. “He got cornered into sorting the filing at the reception. Last time he only got a talk.” Liam sighed down at his phone. “The sad part is that the staff likes him too much to actually really stop him from messing about. And I mean, yeah... He’s a pest, but means no harm.” 

Liam tilted the phone so Nathan could see the messages on the chat.

From Iz: _ yo where u go limo ?? _

From Iz: _ cunt believe you abandoned me _

From Iz:_ cruelty !! _

Liam shook his head at the messages, eyes so warm Nathan had to look away. 

He felt overwhelmingly guilty for feeling more and more grounded with each passing second he spent in the alpha’s presence. His scent... it gave him something to anchor on.

It also allowed the bloody imprint to strengthen. Nathan wasn’t even sure what was affecting what? Was it just his instincts running the show, or did he genuinely like the guy? What were the chances of him getting along with the first person he properly hung out with in years? People usually got bored of him, or whatever it was they thought about him when they moved on. Why would a guy like Liam, with his perfect little pack and with his fucking _sixpack, _ever pay any attention to a messed up runt like Nathan? Hell, even if the alpha had imprinted on him and just hadn’t said anything, it just wasn’t realistic. These things didn’t happen to him. 

Why did this have to be so complicated? Nathan didn’t have the capacity for all this right now. Why couldn’t Liam just be… a nice omega? Or, or unmated, even - 

No. 

No. That train of thought needed to fuck off, completely. 

Nathan would _ not _wish Liam’s happiness away. He was a selfish fuck, but even he would not stoop that low. 

“Nathan?” Liam’s soft voice poked through the fog of his thoughts, “Y’sure you’re alright?”

Before Nathan could scramble for another weak excuse, there was an even hush and click of wheels on tiled floor echoing from behind them. 

Liam sighed.

“Really?” the alpha asked. His tone was unimpressed, but his eyes held obvious warmth when the skateboard rolled to a stop in front of them. It was pretty clear who the compact omega the board was carrying was.

Nathan felt like shrinking into the seat. Or, even better, just disappearing in general.

He was pretty sure he hadn’t done anything… wrong? But... Why did he feel like he’d done something wrong? Ah fuck, a pressure of an instinctual whine was building in Nathan's throat. That was... not good. Very bad.

Fuck, Isac was literally everything Nathan wasn’t. He was- Everything. And right there, _ now_. 

And just his presence alone made Nathan feel like he shouldn’t be inhabiting the same space. Like, he no longer had a place there. Everything about Isac was making him want to shrink in. 

“You can’t really expect me to walk everywhere,” Isac said breezily. His grey eyes were intensely watchful, and unfortunately, solely aimed at Nathan. “Too much campus, too little leg.”

“There will be no campus, if they kick you out,” Liam reminded him, and with easy familiarity reached a hand to brush his fingertips over Isac’s forearm. Nathan’s felt hollow and cold in response. 

Isac flapped a dismissive hand at the words, ignoring the alpha, and kicked his board up with a wooden bang. Nathan jolted harshly at the sudden sound, and then froze as soon as he caught himself. Which… seemed to intensify the way the older omega was eyeing him.

Why..?

Why was he looking at him like that? 

Also, why was Nathan startling so much today? And surely it didn’t usually make him stand out this much. Isac’s attention felt heavy on him, and Nathan couldn’t tell if it was neutral.

Maybe he was upset, after all? 

Oh...

That wouldn’t have been that big of a surprise, really. Nathan _ was _a strange omega, unnecessarily hanging about Isac’s bonded mate… Not a chance that didn’t look bad. 

The more Nathan wanted to cut it all off, the worse he felt about doing that. Why wasn’t he allowed to have friends? Just this one time when he actually got kind of lucky and he was truly trying his best to… To behave like a normal person! 

“You, on the other hand, have legs for days,” Isac - _purred_? Nathan blinked up at him, brain halting as the completely unexpected comment landed. “Nathan, right?”

“I- Wh- Uh, yes? Nathan, yeah,” Nathan bumbled, like an idiot. He shook his head, hard enough that his fringe fell too low and got caught on his lashes. His hands felt a bit too shaky for him to risk fixing it without an incident. “Hi?” 

“Hi,” Isac grinned. Amused? No. Something gentler. Nathan didn’t manage to decode Isac’s expression before his own uncomfortableness forced him to look away from the omega. Isac was still smiling though, with _ teeth_, “So you’re the one who’s been entertaining Liam?”

Nathan’s head whipped back up, eyes wide with the sudden wave of caught out panic, “Oh no, I- It’s not, I’m not trying to-”

“Yes,” Liam spoke happily at the same time, momentarily cutting through Nathan’s increasing distress. The alpha turned to look at Nathan, and then jerked his chin towards his mate, “Meet Isac, officially. Ignore the fact that he’s a gremlin who doesn’t know how to _ introduce himself. _ I promise he’s not feral. Most of the time.”

Isac ignored Liam, again. Well. He did plop to sit down sideways on the alpha’s thighs, but otherwise paid him no mind. The skateboard teetered where it was left leaning against the seat of the sofa. 

“I wanted to say thank you, actually,” Isac was saying, and it took Nathan a moment to drag his eyes back from where he had turned to avoid the… Affection? Was sitting on top of people affection? Well, Nathan could barely even remember the last time someone touched him nicely, so it sure felt like he was intruding. Isac was knocking Liam’s boots with the toes of his scuff marked Converse. “About time this one finds himself another target. He’s cute and all, but seriously worries way too much. It’s not like I’m going to get hit by a car a second time. I was fine, anyway.”

A car?

Isac was making it very hard for Nathan to think. He was like a magnet. Nathan had thought Liam was a magnet, too, but apparently these two were like the North and South to his compass.

That… Made no sense. 

“What…” Nathan said weakly.

“I know,” Isac sighed, sounding like Nathan had agreed to _ something_. His face shifted into a more serious expression then, causing Nathan to halt in preparation, “Do you smell that?”

Nathan looked up cautiously, trying his damn best to keep up with the pace of the conversation. He was just about to breathe tentatively in through his nose, when Isac clapped his hands together. Youthful mirth replaced the omega’s enquiring expression, “That’s right: Freedom!”

“Oh, shut up,” Liam grumbled, sneaking an arm around Isac’s waist to pinch his belly. “You’re too lazy to manage without me.”

Isac seemed to consider this, his pouty mouth clearly holding back a smile, “You call it ‘lazy’, I call it ‘my alpha wants to roll me in bubble wrap and spoil me to death.’”

It took Nathan a moment, but then, cautiously, he managed a small twist of a smile. He glanced between the two, “I’m sure he’s not that bad.”

_ That doesn’t sound so bad, _ was what echoed inwardly. 

_ I hate this, _was what twinged his heart each time his lungs filled with the mix of Liam and Isac’s pack scent.

Not because it was bad. The most opposite.

Suddenly Nathan felt even more _separate_ than he had before.

“Eh, at least he means well,” Isac shrugged, curling his smaller hand around Liam’s to stop the alpha from pinching and poking him. “Kit’s a shameless comfort-whore, so they keep each other distracted enough.” Isac nudged Nathan’s thigh softly with his knee, and then, as if he hadn’t just electrocuted Nathan with his sudden touch, said conspiringly: “Sometimes I even manage to escape the flat.”

Nathan watched the gentle way Isac’s fingers pet over the back of Liam’s palm; a soft contrast to the teasing words that kept rolling over his tongue. He was almost too quick witted for Nathan to keep up with, but it was enthralling at the same time. Like he had to hang on to every word so he wouldn’t miss anything? It was, weirdly enough, pulling Nathan out of his head a little. 

And didn’t that just make everything feel even more horrible. 

There Nathan was, knowing he had gone and imprinted on Isac’s alpha, like a complete psycho. No matter how out of his control that was, it felt intrusive, and pushy, and _wrong_. It felt like he had no right to feel that way, and it wasn’t a conscious choice, but it must’ve somehow been his fault, and how humiliating would it be if they ever found out, they’d probably think it was gross, or hilarious, or -

“Speaking of escaping the flat,” Isac’s perked up voice cut through Nathan’s escalating inner crisis. However, what cut through absolutely _ everything_, was the barely there way Isac’s fingertips suddenly brushed to rest on Nathan’s naked wrist. “The Union’s Sports and Business fair is tomorrow, right?” Something in Nathan’s deepest _ core _ seemed to be catching fire. “Feel free to tell me to fuck off, but, if you don’t already have plans, I could maybe tag along and go with you?”

Whatever the words meant, they weren’t able to reach their supposed audience. Not quick enough for it to be socially acceptable.

Nathan’s head was filled by a blurry, odd, realisation of: 

‘Oh, right. I _ do _ exist in a physical sense. I am real, and you are real, and you are interacting with my physical body because you have acknowledged my presence. In this moment, you saw me, and I was real. I _ felt _ real.’

His whole arm felt alien.

_ Touch_. 

What a wild concept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Repetitive thinking: I want to try and keep things ‘real’ when I write Nathan’s parts. His progress is going to be very slow, because that’s just how things go fr. So if it feels like he’s going over the same things again and again in his chapters, then, yeah. He is. He is kinda aware of it, but doesn’t really know how to get out of it. Because brains. 
> 
> I sometimes struggle writing his rumination, because it’s such a “syrupy-sticky” headspace to be in and describe. But I hope that, although it might be frustrating to read(?), it’ll maybe illustrate the hopeless feeling that often is associated with dealing with this kinda things. It’s not easy, there’s no quick fixes, things get worse before they get better, because the past has to be dug up before it can finally be processed, and all that. But baby steps. Nat’s trying so harddd guys, and babby still thinks he’s on his own. :( 
> 
> -
> 
> Some relevant text (I can start linking more along the chapters if there’s interest? *Awkward nerd wave*) :
> 
> \- Complex PTSD: [Here](http://pete-walker.com/) and [Here.](https://www.eggshelltherapy.com/sensitivity-and-childhood-trauma/)
> 
> \- The 4Fs (Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn): [Here](http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm) and [Here](https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/trauma-responses-fight-flight-freeze-or-fawn/).  
  
\- Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN): [Here.](https://drjonicewebb.com)
> 
> \- Intellectualization as a Defence Mechanism Following Childhood Trauma: [Here.](https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/intellectualization-as-a-defence-mechanism-following-childhood-trauma/)
> 
> \- Why Complex PTSD Sufferers May Avoid Eye Contact: [Here.](https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/why-complex-ptsd-sufferers-may-avoid-eye-contact/%C2%A0)
> 
> \- Childhood Trauma, The Shame Loop And Defences Against Shame: [Here.](https://childhoodtraumarecovery.com/all-articles/childhood-trauma-the-shame-loop-and-defenses-against-shame/)
> 
> -
> 
> Unrelated fun fact! Have you noticed how none of these guys have surnames? :’) For some reason I just don’t want/feel the need to create those for them. Maybe I will in the future, but for now, it hasn’t really been relevant so hah! Also a fun fact: I finally got to add another one of my all time fave tags: Touch-Starved! 
> 
> -
> 
> Isac: *iz nervous*  
Isac: *chaotic energy intensifies*
> 
> -
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com/


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, you guys, I'm swimming in the happy feels and vibes I keep getting from all your comments! D': Thank you SO much! Each and every one of you who's been commenting and reading: the absolute best.  
I even kinda compensated the longer wait for the previous chapter by finishing this one so quick for you! The power of all the lovely encouragement I keep getting, ahh!<3 Also, like always, I aim to reply to as many as possible, but there might be some delay with that. Just, thank you!
> 
> -
> 
> Now, here's Iz!

ISAC

“Do I actually need to calm you down right now?” Kit asked dryly, and Isac felt the alpha’s palm cup around the nape of his neck.

The move was enough to have Isac drop down from where he had sweet talked Liam into piggyback carrying him, and, with a guided little sidestep, Isac was pressed against Kit’s side.

“You actually don’t,” Isac said, and happily wrapped an arm behind Kit’s lower back to cuddle in to him. Kit’s fingers put some pressure on the back of his neck, causing a shiver, before he slid his arm over Isac’s shoulder and rested it on his chest as they walked.

Isac reached out with his free hand and wriggled his fingers until Liam got the message. The gesture made the blond have this stupid-adorable happy face on as he came close enough to link their fingers together. 

“Just because you’re a nervous wreck, doesn’t mean I have to be, too,” Isac told Kit, knowing full well that a comment like that would end up in a huffy growl. Which it did. The following scratching touch of Kit’s scruff felt as predictable as it was lovely, and Isac tilted his chin up so the alpha didn’t have to lean quite as far down to scent him. Ah, well... Kit probably meant to come off very reprimanding and cautioning with the gesture, but he was as easy of a read as they came. Or maybe Isac just knew his idiots too well?

“I know you’re nervous,” Kit said calmly. Which was annoying. But also calming. He rubbed an open palm against Isac’s chest, and dropped a kiss onto his cheekbone once he was done with the scenting, ready to walk up straight again. “You were literally just worrying about your clothes until we had to go.”

Yeah, ok. Fine. That wasn’t necessarily something Isac would usually even pause to think about too much, but today everything had been a bit- difficult. But _ not _ because he was nervous.

“Was not,” Isac scoffed, turning his head to press his teeth on Kit’s upper arm. Served him right for calling him out like that. Arse.

“Yeah?” Liam said from his right, tugging on Isac’s hand until he wasn’t able to munch on Kit. “So you aren’t wearing my jumper?”

Well. Maybe he was. The soft thing had shrunk in the wash enough that it’d probably never be called Liam’s jumper again, even with the way it still definitely carried his scent. Which was not at all why Isac had picked it.

“I hadn’t noticed,” Isac said airily, and then watched the sunny way Liam’s dimples carved onto his cheeks. Good. 

Isac squeezed his hand softly, fingertips pressing into the back of his palm as they made their way towards the campus, leaving the university’s car park behind them.

The Sports Centre was a massive block-like building, standing in all of its light grey glory at the far outskirts of the campus’ park. Even from a distance it was easy to tell the place was packed, the main doors of the gymnasium busy with people walking in and out. 

“Hey,” Kit said when they finally paused to stand on the side of the walkway. His voice was rumbly and low, pulling Isac’s attention from the fair to see a raised, inviting arm; “Come ‘ere.”

He easily pulled Isac into a hug, arms wrapping snug around his back. Kit hunched down to press his nose against Isac’s bare neck, while Isac tucked himself happily into the comforting hold. An undertone of anxious tension kept lingering within Kit’s scent, which was why Isac consciously allowed his omegan instincts to respond with a quiet purr. 

Kit sighed heavily, chest expanding against Isac’s. For a stretching while, he didn’t say anything.

“Sorry. It’s just...” Kit finally huffed, pausing to scent Isac’s throat again, the bridge of his nose pressing under Isac’s jaw, “Y’know. The imprint. Bloody messing with me.”

The way he said it was so sulky and grumpy, that Isac couldn’t help but exchange a fond look with Liam over Kit’s shoulder. Obviously it wasn’t funny that he was struggling with everything that came with the unfulfilled and distanced imprint, but it was still pretty cute to see him pout.

“You’re all good, Kitten,” Isac hummed, grinning when he felt a nip of teeth under his ear. “Y’know… I still think Nathan really likes Liam, and he was in no hurry to leave when we hung out yesterday. Don’t see why he wouldn’t want to meet you, too.”

“I’ve been pretty clear about you guys wanting to meet him, anyway,” Liam added, shrugging, “‘m just not sure he’s getting what I mean by it? Lad’s a bit oblivious.”

Isac turned to kiss Kit’s cheek, before agreeing with Liam, “Yeah. He looked somehow surprised that I was even talking to him? It’s cute, but fuck, would I love to know what’s going on in that pretty head of his.” 

“So pretty,” Kit sighed into Isac’s neck, arms tightening their hold petulantly. Isac huffed out a laugh.

“Do I need to calm _ you _ down?” Isac teased, and then jumped onto his toes, squirming, when Kit dug his fingers in his ribs. “Oi!” 

“Easy for you to say. You didn’t have to wait so long,” Kit whined, a hint of theatrics seeping into his tone. “You guys get to learn all about him. Meanwhile I’m withering away, waiting...”

“Oh, poor alpha,” Isac pouted, “having to wait, for once in his life.”

“Izzy...” Kit moaned, rubbing his scruff against Isac’s neck, “I’m just trying to do this right...”

Liam lifted his hand then, bringing it up to ruffle Kit’s dark curls. “We know,” he said, scent calming and warm. “And you are. We’ve talked about this, and it still feels like the best way to go. All gradually, like.”

“He would’ve gotten all overwhelmed, otherwise, for sure,” Isac nodded, hugging Kit and making sure he was dozed in his pleased and content scent. It seemed to help with the hyperarousal of his instincts.

“Yeah,” Liam said, fingers raking over the buzzed sides of Kit’s head before falling to squeeze his shoulder, “I think I’ll try to be even more obvious about us wanting to court him. I’d feel better if I knew that he’s, like, definitely aware of that?”

Isac snorted, “_Court _ him? Liam, my darling idiot, no one uses that anymore.”

“But dating sounds so casual,” Liam complained, exaggerated frown pulling at his mouth. “I don’t want casual. I think Nat deserves to know how serious we are, already at this point. Even if it doesn’t go any further than being friends.” 

“Okay. Yeah. Fair enough,” Isac said, easily agreeing with the point, because it was true. “I don’t think he expects anyone to like him, to be honest? Which… 's a bit - strange? Innit?”

Liam was quiet for a short moment, his expression thoughtful when Isac peered over Kit’s shoulder to look at him. 

“I think he’s… He might have something going on that he’s trying to deal with,” Liam said, finally, and the low set of his brows showed his concern. “I think he’s genuinely liked spending time with me, but he’s so damn hard to read sometimes. For that one moment, yesterday, I honestly thought that you managed to spook him into tears... But then he just scented like relief? And that- twisty happiness? But not really that, either.”

“Oh, yeah,” Isac said, tilting his head so Kit could keep hiding in his neck. “Fuck, I still feel kinda bad… Was it because I touched him? Or because I asked him to hang out today?” Isac pouted at Liam, leaning his chin down on Kit’s shoulder when the alpha moved on to nose his scent gland. “I felt like a legit monster… but then he kept looking at me like I had just saved the fucking turtles, or some shit? Almost cried meself.”

“You did not look like you were going to cry,” Liam laughed, all dimples, squinty eyes, and scrunched up nose. Isac poked his tongue out at him. “Like, I could tell you got really worried for a bit there, but fuck, I’ve probably never seen you _ preen _ like that. One pleased look from a pretty O, and you turn right into a smug wee wanker.” 

“Excuse me! I’m allowed to be happy when someone appreciates me for once,” Isac scowled in mock-annoyance, “Look at how my own alphas treat me? Some bullshit, this is!”

“I appreciate you, Iz-biz,” Kit said quietly into the dip of Isac’s shoulder, and it was a bit too sincere to be considered a part of the banter. Isac shifted a little on his feet, only to be hugged in closer. Suddenly he felt a bit warm, and Kit didn’t help with that when he added, “Love you.”

“Ugh,” Isac muttered, still scowling, but now it was because he hadn’t been prepared for actual _ feelings. _Instinct-fuzzy or not, his boys were always so mushy. Why did they have to be so bloody sweet? Isac had a damn reputation to keep up. “Love you too, you prick. Now, stop groping my bum. I have places to be, boys to woo.”

“My fave bum,” Kit said, snuffling like a sad little puppy, while still not making a single move to let him go. Isac lifted his brows and sighed. Fucking alphas, man. 

“Did you dope out on Iz?” Liam asked with a grin, returning his had in Kit’s hair to give it a little tug. “Alpha, we’re in public. You’re gonna end up with a stiffy like that.”

“‘m not,” Kit drawled as he finally pulled back. Isac decided to look past the cheeky last grab his arse got treated to, and instead kissed Kit’s stupid face once he was released from the cuddle. The alpha looked drowsy and his pupils were a bit blown.

“Liar,” Isac pointed out helpfully, and planted one last kiss on Kit’s bowed lips. He turned to Liam then, rising onto his toes, and nuzzled against his jaw and cheek. “I’ll call you later, yeah?” 

“Yeah,” Liam replied, wrapping Isac into a quick hug, and scented him in turn. Isac ended the embrace with a soft peck on the corner of his mouth. “I’ll try to keep this one occupied.”

“Please do,” Isac sniffed. “Can’t have him humping the furniture out of frustration. Talk about a scandal.”

“Oi!” Kit growled, bottom lip sticking out. What a baby. “I’m fine.”

“So fine,” Isac leered as he started backing away from his mates. He gave Kit an exaggerated once over. _ Damn _ fine. 

Liam threw an arm over Kit’s shoulders and gently butted his temple with his own. Kit was still looking a bit miserable compared to his usual self, and he kept watching Isac’s retreat with a longing look to his dramatically soulful eyes. 

“We can go for a quick dry-hump in the car, if you want?” Liam offered him, smiling amusedly when Kit perked up a bit at the suggestion. 

Isac stopped his backwards walking to glare.

“That’s just rude, leaving me out like that,” he said, tutting. In reality he was just glad that Liam was able to distract Kit from his imprint-wrecked instincts. “But I get to hang out with Nathan, so who’s jealous now?” 

“Well. I get car sex,” Kit rebutted petulantly, sounding as childish as the sentence allowed, “With_ Liam._” They all knew that the two… _ activities _ weren’t really comparable, nor did they even want to compare them. It was just a bit of teasing. “I’m going to bite his abs and make a proper mess of him, and you can do nothing but wait ‘til tonight for your turn.”

The ‘suck on _ that_’ went unsaid, and Isac grinned, always loving some good trash talk with Kit.

“I said ‘dry-humping’,” Liam reminded with his usual easy air. He smiled contently though; a lopsided little thing as he watched Isac and Kit play-fight over him. 

“I’m going to get him _ so _ wet,” Kit nodded confidently, ignoring his alpha-mate to throw a sharp smirk in Isac’s direction. The signs of his usual cocky smugness returning made Isac feel a bit better about leaving the two on their own.

“And we’re going to go now before someone accidentally hears us,” Liam said, headlocking Kit, before starting to steer them in the opposite direction. He called over his shoulder, “Have fun, Iz. Please don’t join a cult.”

“I’m going to start a cult!” Isac declared with gusto. 

A business fair was probably a really good place to start with something like that, anyway. Maybe he could even talk Nathan into joining? 

“Oh god. Why does that sound like something he’d actually manage?” Isac heard Kit groan at Liam, before the two dissapeared down the pathway and out of sight. 

Damn straight, Isac’d manage.

-

The front of the Sports Centre was so busy that Isac was having a hard time getting through the crowd. He already had a bunch of flyers in the back pocket of his jeans, and a freebie lolly tucked away for later in the front one. 

They had agreed to meet up outside the main doors, and Isac was already regretting that decision. How was he supposed to see over all these giraffe-people? Impossible, especially without his human-ladders. 

Isac had just pulled his phone out, giving up on his search to call Nathan, when he finally spotted him.

The boy was standing on his own, tucked away against the wall, a bit to the side from the doors where the crowd didn’t quite reach. He was leaning into it as if he was trying to blend in the shadows of the concrete pillars.

Isac pocketed his phone and, without taking his keen eyes off the target, started to cut his way through the mass of people. 

Nathan was wearing a stylish aviator jacket that was at least a size too big for him. Somehow it still looked absolutely adorable and comfy on him, all soft tan fabric and fuzzy white borg lining; wrapping up the pink cheeked omega who waved carefully when he spotted Isac. 

Why did he look like he wasn’t sure if Isac was there for _ him_? It was as if he was close to peeking over his shoulder to check it truly was Nathan Isac was looking at.

Fuck, Isac couldn’t wait to prove that uncertainty right out of him.

“Hi!” Isac called with a smile when he got close enough to pause in front of Nathan.

“Hey,” Nathan greeted, his responding smile slightly hidden with the way he ducked his head. 

Isac had to bite down on his lip, to control how his own expression was turning into something a bit too... coo-y. Just. This kid? Adorable. 

Isac wanted to hug him.

“Hug?” Isac suggested exactly that, opening his arms wide. He made sure to grin playfully, bouncing on his toes, so Nathan knew he could just roll his eyes to brush the whole thing off. That’d have been disappointing, but it wasn’t Isac’s call, and he’d just deal with it. 

“Oh, um,” Nathan suttered, the colour on his cheeks strengthening until it clearly wasn’t just from the wind anymore. His blue eyes looked bright and curious when he risked a glance at Isac. Then, carefully, and watching for Isac’s reaction, Nathan added; “Sure? If you want?”

“I do want,” Isac declared happily, but also holding back at least some of his excitement; to avoid freaking Nathan out with his enthusiasm.

To make sure it was truly welcome, Isac waited until Nathan shuffled a bit closer before throwing himself at him. Isac sneaked his arms between Nathan’s jacket and the shirt he had underneath. His hands brushed against the body-warmed borg, and with a pleased sigh, Isac tucked himself under Nathan’s chin. “I love this jacket! It’s so soft.” 

“Uh. Thanks?” Nathan said, sounding a bit unsure. Isac figured it was still fine, considering how he had arms wrapped behind his shoulders and neck, and he could feel Nathan’s cheek press against the side of his head. Isac noticed that he really had to focus on keeping down a content purr. That’d have maybe been a bit too soon. Too pushy. 

While he worked on that, his brain to mouth filter glitched a bit, and a rogue; “You smell _ really _ good,” slipped through.

But it wasn’t like it was a lie! Nathan’s scent was honestly so nice; muted and gentle, like a comforting memory that made you feel all warm and rosy when coming across it. Too bad it sounded very flirty when blurted out like that, with Isac burrowed into the hollow of Nathan’s collarbones. 

Luckily Isac didn’t have to throw himself in prison after all, because just then, Nathan muttered a quiet: “You too.” 

Okay. Fuck Liam. 

Isac was most definitely allowed to feel a bit smug for this.

Grinning, Isac pulled back from the embrace. He briefly ran his palms up Nathan’s shoulder blades before stepping back, fixing his jacket back in place, after. 

“Ready to go see how much free candy we can find?” Isac asked, watching the flustered way Nathan was messing with his fringe. Was it appropriate to publicly combust because someone was genuinely so bloody sweet? 

Isac was starting to suspect that he'd soon find out, appropriate or not.

“Should I be worried about your impending sugar rush?” Nathan replied with a question, and, _ oh_… Isac’s eyes snapped up to the blue ones tracking him, quickly causing them to glance to the side. 

But, _ oh_, indeed. That seemed to be some cheek Isac was detecting there. Interesting...

A sharp grin rose on Isac’s lips, “You absolutely should be.” 

-

“Kit and Liam are picking me up after this, we can drop you off at your place?” Isac said over his shoulder, dodging a group of people crowding a freebie table.

They had already explored through a couple of the smaller rooms, signing up for way too many email lists in exchange for freebies. Isac was already treading the future state of his inbox. 

There hadn’t been much that interested Isac, but he’d been more than happy to stick by Nathan’s side, while the omega asked about an online book club the local bookstore’s stand was advertising. Crunching through the hard sugar that made up his lollipop, Isac had mostly just focused on petting the fluffy lining of Nathan’s jacket. 

After a while, they’d made their way through the crowds to here, the main part of the fair. The gymnasium was huge, but with so many people in it, and with the blasting music, it was a tight fit.

Nathan seemed a bit distracted, peering around the stands and the people as he dutifully trailed after Isac. He did grab onto Isac’s sleeve to avoid getting separated when someone handing out flyers tried to cut in between them, so he clearly was aware of Isac. It really was hard to not find him cute, honestly. So wide eyed and careful. 

Isac had no idea what was going on with these gushy feelings he was flooded with, but it wasn’t as horrible as he’d have thought. Embracing the warm excitement, Isac turned his hand until the hold on his sleeve dropped, and he slotted his fingers between Nathan’s instead. Isac grinned up at him when the omega’s surprised gaze snapped to meet his. 

“Oh, right. Um,” Nathan glanced to the side, shoulders jumping when a sudden blast of music broke over the cacophony of noises filling the hall. “I have a bus pass, so… I - But thanks.”

Isac wrinkled his nose, trying not to look too disappointed. He tugged on Nathan’s arm to pull him towards the tables by the long wall of the gymnasium. “It really wouldn’t be a problem.” Nathan just shrugged, smiling meekly. He seemed a bit uncomfortable, so Isac decided to drop it. He squeezed the younger omega’s hand instead, “Ok. Just let me know, yeah?”

“Yeah. Maybe,” Nathan said, voice just barely audible over all the noise. His eyes were already skittering over the crowd, not focusing on anything specific, but rather just tracking everything at once.

Isac felt his pocket buzz with a text, and while they stood by a stand where an older beta showcased different kinds of business cards, he tugged his phone out.

From Liam: _ At Costa now, the one near the uni parking. Just text when you’re done, no rush. _

From Isac: _ okkkk<33 ps hes too cyute :(( _

From Kitty-Kat: _ Tease! :(( _

“Alright?” Nathan’s voice piped up when Isac squeezed the phone back into the tight front pocket of his jeans. He turned to face him, only to find him looking a bit dismayed. “Are they - I mean... Do you have to leave?” 

Oh. What a darling...

Isac smiled, tugging on Nathan’s arm until the coltish lad stumbled, landing snug against his side, “Nope! I’m all yours. Just lead the way, young’un!”

Nathan huffed out a laugh, immediately covering it with his free hand. His eyes were crinkling, and in that short moment, he was looking so... relaxed? Happy? Well, whatever it was, for a short second, it seemed to lift a weight from his shoulders. 

He looked so young and _freed_... until an advert echoed over the already loud music, the announcer’s voice coming out scratchy and static through the loudspeaker. Nathan jumped, head whipping towards the sound, whilst the rest of his body seemed cower away. 

Isac frowned, fingers already subconsciously trailing over Nathan’s wrist to soothe him.

“You alright?” Isac had to raise his voice to be heard over the mess of music and people. Nathan was already nodding before he even turned back to face Isac. 

“Yeah. Hey, I read somewhere that there should be free pizza?” Nathan said, eyes kept to the side, but, to Isac’s cautious delight, he didn’t move an inch from his position against Isac’s arm. He was, in fact, _ leaning in. _

“Pizza!” Isac gasped, played up and dreamy. He was keeping an eye on Nathan though, but still followed his downplaying lead, as that’s what he seemed to be comfortable with. 

Isac looked around then, trying to locate the possible treat. He'd thought he had smelled greasy food, earlier. Hopefully they’d get there before it all ran out. If not, maybe he’d get the As order some for the evening.

“Tall person,” Isac said to Nathan with a mock-serious nod, “please, activate your tallness privileges, and we shall hunt down our gourmet meal.” 

“Aye aye, Captain,” Nathan said solemnly, dutifully taking the task just as seriously as it required. 

Isac couldn’t help but grin, and then grinned some more when Nathan noticed it, flushing prettily at the attention.

In the end, they did find the pizza stand. Also in the end, there were only empty, greasy, boxes left... Which sucked. For Kit and Liam’s wallets, of course.

They made almost a full round around the main floor after that, moving slowly along with the crowd, looking through the tables. Isac had no idea how long it'd been, before he noticed that Nathan was no longer right behind him. 

Turning around in a circle, scanning the crowd, Isac bit down on his bottom lip. Fuck...

The omega had been a constant presence by his side the whole time, and he’d seemed almost amazed by how happily Isac encouraged the option to stay so close. It felt weird to suddenly have a void of body warmth, where Nathan had previously been. Isac bounced up to stand on his toes, peering towards where he had just walked from.

A group of people moved around him, revealing a gap in between two tables.

Isac sighed in relief when he spotted the familiar mess of brown hair not that far back. 

“Almost lost you!” Isac called out, side stepping someone holding testers for perfumes. Isac wrinkled his nose at the mixed up floral scents, and slipped past the tables to get back right next to Nathan. 

Who wasn’t… really looking at him?

“Nathan?” Isac asked gently, moving just a bit closer to lean against his arm. 

“Yes?” Nathan said, too fast, and clearly not fully in the conversation. Isac’s brows started to tug down in concern.

Nathan’s shoulders were tense, eyes scanning the crowd, and he kept subtly leaning away from the loudspeakers most of the tables had for blasting their music. It was a lot, very loud and exciting, but Isac was starting realise how it was way more than that to Nathan. 

Too much.

Isac reached out to hold the omega’s hand again, and when he did, he immediately noticed how cold and clammy the fingers under his were. 

Nathan was _ trembling_.

It was very obvious now that they were properly touching again, yet Isac had barely noticed it before. With a fully furrowed brow, Isac tried to gently get Nathan’s full attention. He nudged them both back a couple of steps, out of the way of the main walkway, and carefully pressed closer toll him. Isac tried to be cautious; he didn’t want to smother Nathan, especially if he was already overwhelmed. 

And it really looked like he was.

“Omega?” Isac called softly, squeezing Nathan’s hand just a bit. 

He watched how Nathan swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing in a way that would’ve been so attractive in almost any other scenario. Now it just made Isac worry more. Nathan’s eyes were clear, but still somehow unfocused, distractedly _ distant_, and his muscles kept jumping with the sudden peaks in the noise level. 

Isac held onto Nathan’s hand until he pulled the gaze of his widened blue eyes from the crowd. “D’you wanna head out for a bit?”

Or head out all together, more like. Isac was not bringing this boy back to a hellsite like this, if it wasn’t something he could truly enjoy. Fuck that.

“I… Do you want to?” Nathan said, replying to a question with a question, somehow still thinking more about Isac, than the fact that he was clearly uncomfortable and freaking out. Sweet idiot. 

Isac smoothed his thumb over the back of Nathan’s palm, eyeing him carefully, “It’s a bit loud, innit?”

“I guess, um... yeah?” Nathan replied, focus very clearly somewhere behind them, where the university’s basketball team was starting up some sort of playful competition. A sharp sound of a horn cut through and above the mass of noise, tearing the air for a couple of seconds, before vanishing into waves of cheers. 

Nathan’s shoulders really couldn’t have been more tense. The way his scent was leaking spikes of sourness, caused Isac’s heart to clench in sympathy. 

“Okay,” Isac said, already aware that it probably wasn’t going to fully register, no matter how subtle Nathan was trying to be. 

And he clearly was. Trying, that is. Isac had no idea how he managed to appear so collected outwardly, when his hands - his whole body! - were bloody shaking. Isac fished out his phone, and started to look for the nearest exit.

From Isac: _ heyy, don’t freak out nothing too serious hopefully but theres a bit of a situation. can we meet up? I don’t really know what to do? _

The reply was almost immediate. Isac had no doubt the alphas had actually wanted to fire him with a call, but had somehow contained themselves to scope the situation first. 

From Kitty-Kat: _ Are you okay? Where are you? _

From Isac: _ I’m ok but I think Nathans having a panic attack? Or anxiety. I don’t know. We’re heading out the fair now _

“C’mon. Let’s have a tea break?” Isac said, looking up from the phone and leaning into Nathan’s arm to get his attention back again. 

With some effort, they started to walk, looking for a route that wasn’t quite as hectic and full of people. Easier said than done, unfortunately. Freebies and events attracted a lot of students, and it was a bit too easy to get swallowed by the overly enthusiastic masses. 

Gosh, no wonder Nathan’d feel suffocated here. It really was an organised chaos, now that Isac really thought of it. 

“Or, like, coffee?” Nathan voiced then, with a slight delay. He was following after Isac, now clinging on to his hand with both of his. He was still close enough that Isac could hear the tension in his hitching breathing, whenever there was a slight lull in the sounds surrounding them. 

Yeah, no. 

No way in hell was Isac allowing any caffeine into that system, if he could just help it. 

So, he pouted, sorrowfully peering over his shoulder, and from under his lashes, “But too much coffee makes me hyper, and the alphas get so annoying about it.” Lies lies lies. Well. Coffee _ did _make Isac slightly too hyper, but he rather enjoyed it when the alphas got fed up with him. Now probably wasn’t the time to share the details of that, though… “Wanna try my favourite tea? I’ll even sponsor your cuppa, I’m lovely like that.”

He would find the most calming, most decaffeinated decaf tea to ever exist.

“Yeah, sure,” Nathan said, too easily, as he kept glancing over his shoulder, and... Isac almost wanted him to disagree just for the sake of it. He really shouldn’t just drop his own suggestions to appease others. But right then the goal was to steer away from coffee, so a battle for another time it was. 

From Liam: _ We can meet you at the main doors? Does he know we’re here? _

From Isac: _ he knows you’re my ride? And i offered to drop him off at his place but he wasn’t sure _

From Liam: _ Izzy… Tell him. He might get uncomfortable. _

From Isac: _ but what if he doesn’t want to see you both yet? I don’t know what to do!! _

From Kitty-Kat: _ You’re already doing exactly what you’re supposed to love. Don’t worry. Just ask him if he’s okay with it, yeah? _

From Isac: _ asdgsdthd _

“Is it okay if we meet up with Kitty and Liam for a bit, too?” Isac asked nonchalantly, pausing to allow a group of people through a doorway, before leading the two of them out. 

Nathan looked up at that, startled and wide eyed, and Isac figured it was best to make it appear like it was something... normal- _ ish_. 

Isac rolled his eyes with an amused and agreeing nod, “Yeah, I _know_. Sometimes they get on this stupid overprotective mood and show up to annoy me. They’re harmless, honestly. Just kinda have to let them paw at you for a bit, so their egos can feel like they did something great, and then all will be well, once again.”

It wasn’t a complete lie… But they did have clear boundaries, so Liam and Kit knew to let Isac handle himself. They usually reserved their possessive protectiveness for when they were all at home and free to cling. 

Nathan still looked unsure. Well, on top of already looking frightened, and barely concealing it. Hell, it was _ so _ obvious now that Isac knew to look for it. 

“For some reason they think I’m tiny and will get lost in the crowd,” Isac huffed, petulantly. He was secretly pleased when he felt Nathan tighten his hold on his hand, as if he was making sure no one was getting lost anywhere.

“Well...” Nathan drawled, a weak smile trying to perk up the corners of his mouth. Better. Yet not good enough.

“Don’t even start,” Isac warned with a fake, played up scowl, “I’m short and cute, but also at the perfect lethal level to punch people in the kidneys if they test me.”

“Oh, horror. Remind me not to test you then, I like my kidneys where they are,” Nathan said flatly, still smiling despite the strain audible in his voice. It seemed like he appreciated the distraction though, so Isac powered on. 

“I don’t know. I might be open to the possibility of you testing me,” Isac leered exaggeratedly, again making sure it was obvious that he was joking. He had no issue with flirting with Nathan, but freaking him out too much right now didn’t seem like a fun idea.

But he was just so ridiculously sweet when he blushed. And the way he covered his startled laugh with the back of his palm? Fucking _ ugh... _

“Shut up,” Nathan coughed, teeth showing from the first proper smile stretching his lips. It was gone as quickly as it had appeared.

Isac turned to walk backwards, facing him, and then waggled his eyebrows as obnoxiously as he could. Nathan shook his head in response, and tugged on Isac’s hand to stop him from walking into a display stand. Such a good lad.

A good lad who clearly hadn’t registered that they were still holding hands, even after getting out of the busiest event area. Isac suspected that Nathan would pull away the moment he fully realised it, probably assuming that it was just a fair related staying-together protocol. 

Liam had been right; Nathan was a bit oblivious.

Isac made sure to keep his own hold secure when he asked, “But are you good with meeting them? We don’t have to, they can suck it.” 

“No, sure! I mean, of course, that’s fine,” Nathan replied rushedly, and with an almost obedient air, followed Isac out through the main doors. 

He was still very much shaky against Isac’s side, maybe even more so now, and his distraught scent was triggering Isac’s protective instincts. A lot of people were still surrounding them, some giving them concerned looks, but Isac just focused on tucking himself against Nathan’s side, thinking out _ calm _ and _ safety_.

“We’re almost there,” Isac hummed into Nathan’s shoulder, the palm of his free hand cupping the nape of the his neck. Isac tried to mimic the comforting way the alphas would put pressure there, but it was hard to tell if it was working. Nathan’s breathing was getting choppy. “It’s going to be quieter outside, not so many people. C’mon, let’s go through here.”

“I’m okay,” Nathan husked out, very obviously _ not _ okay, and Isac finally managed to pull them through the last wall of people. 

The fresh air was chilly and sharp after the stuffiness of the gymnasium, and the campus park was blissfully quiet compared to the indoors. Isac sighed, trying to lose the worried tension that kept building onto his shoulders. He didn’t want to add to Nathan’s anxiety.

“Iz! Nathan!” Liam’s familiar voice called from their left, and Nathan jolted against Isac’s side as if the sudden peak in sound had whipped him. Isac had to bite down a distressed whine. It was difficult, especially with how dosed in Nathan’s upset scent he was.

With a steadying breath, Isac kept petting Nathan’s neck, fingers gentle in the soft hair there. He looked over to where Liam and Kit were approaching them, and the sight of his alphas was enough to relieve some of the agitation. 

Isac turned back to Nathan, and softly nudged him, hoping to bring his attention back in the _now_, “That's them. D’you still wanna say hi? We can go for a cuppa, after?”

Nathan’s eyes snapped up, and then jumped right to Liam, recognition and _ something else _ flooding onto his face. 

And...

Nathan _ whined. _

A sad little omegan whine, desperate and small; calling for a mate and comfort and - 

It was instantly muffled by a horrified palm that Nathan smacked in front of his mouth. 

“Oh - _ god. _S-sorry! That’s- I don’t -”

“Hey, Nat,” Liam greeted, gently cutting in, and tactfully ignored the clearly humiliated wetness rushing to Nathan’s eyes.

Oh, fucking hell, this was turning into a disaster. 

Isac couldn’t help but scold himself. Why had he ever thought that the fair would be a good place to get to know someone like Nathan? No matter how perfect of an excuse to hang out it was… Still, how had he been so stupid?

But Nathan had said it was fine? He had wanted to go. Still...

Of course Isac couldn’t have known that it would make the omega so anxious, but it was very hard not to hate himself for it. It was all so obvious now; the little nervous tells all over Nathan, now that Isac knew how to read them.

He should’ve realised it sooner. He bloody_ should have. _

Isac swallowed down the bitter thoughts, and instead tried to come up with something to distract Nathan from the mindset he was still in. Not that Isac knew what worked for Nathan when he got like this. It wasn’t like they had had the time to chat about it... 

“Uh, right. You haven’t met Kit?” Isac said softly, tracking the way Nathan was holding himself completely still. 

Holy _hell_, without the scent and the way he was breathing, he would’ve completely masked the agitation from his body language. Nathan looked just a bit hunched, but with the way he seemed to be used to ducking his head, it wasn’t that far from his usual posture.

Nathan dutifully looked up at Kit, apparently still listening to Isac’s words, clinging to them. In his usual skittish way, Nathan only held the eye-contact for a short moment. However, just when he was about to look away, he paused.

And… Oh.

Nathan’s scent quickly turned strangely sour with nervousness at the sight of Kit, which... mixed with his anxiety, was an agitating combination. 

Isac could see the unsure and tense twitch of Kit’s jaw. Without stepping away from Nathan, Isac moved to brush his knuckles against the inked back of the alpha’s palm, hoping to soothe what probably felt a little like rejection to Kit’s instinct driven hindbrain.

“Hi,” Nathan finally said, softly. Almost too softly to hear.

“Hey,” Kit said, cautious warmth obvious in his voice despite the confusion. The alpha was clearly trying to be careful, gently gauging the situation, when he said a bit clunkily; “So good to meet you. How was the fair?”

“‘s nice,” Nathan sounded so small, his voice almost unfamiliar after the more open way he'd started to chat with Isac earlier in the day. Then, suddenly, and with a heavy swallow, he wriggled his hand from Isac’s hold, stepping away to separate them. “Sorry! Sorry.”

Not good.

He was looking literally anywhere but them, kind of inching away. Isac didn’t know what to say, what to _ do_, and he worried that if he opened his mouth, the agitated omegan whimper building in his chest would force its way out. He didn’t want to risk making Nathan feel even more confused and panicked. 

“D’you want to head home? It’d really be no problem to drop you off on our way,” Liam said, his calming scent strengthening and soothing over Isac as well.

Anxiously, Nathan fidgeted his hands, and then with the hem of his jacket, before freezing to stand still again. Isac lingered by his side, but didn’t dare to try and touch him again.

“It’s okay, I’m- I’m fine. I’ll just- take the bus. Maybe… Maybe next time?” Nathan was staring at the ground with a clenched jaw and hunched shoulders. He was already backing away.

Isac had really cocked this up, hadn’t he?

“Sure, love,” Liam said softly, his frown concerned even though Nathan didn’t see it. “Just… Please call if you need anything? I hate to see you feeling poorly.” Liam looked briefly at Isac to add, “Or you can text. You have Isac’s number now, too, right?”

“Yeah,” Isac nodded, beginning to feel the need to move towards Kit or Liam for comfort; the distress pouring from Nathan starting to tug at him almost overwhelmingly. Isac resisted though, the need to stay calm for the younger omega, to make sure he was taken care of, easily overrode his own discomfort, “Message me anytime, babe. Okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks. But, I mean, I’m- I’m okay? Not, like, poorly. Just tired? But thanks.” He was still backing away, and Isac tried really hard not to frown, not wanting to put any pressure on Nathan. “Thanks Izzy. For the- the fair? For coming with me? Um… I’ll see you later?”

If he needed to be on his own to feel better, that was his right. They didn’t really know him well enough yet to intervene with that.

“Of course,” Isac said softly, watching the omega give a jerky ‘it was nice to meet you’- sort of nod to Kit. And then... 

He was walking away. 

Isac just worried that maybe leaving was more of a knee jerk reaction to hide. It didn’t feel right to let him go and leave him deal with the anxiety on his own, but... what could they really do? 

Nathan quickly disappeared from sight, and Kit’s whole body was tense when Isac pressed against his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eheh, oops?
> 
> Also, like, damn... Sorry, Kit?
> 
> ( But at least there's finally some comfort for all the hurt!! :') )  
-
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn't expect me back so soon, did ya? ;) 
> 
> Hah, me neither! Just turned out that I had a very large chunk of this chapter already prewritten, so yayy! Next chapter might not come in quite this quick, because that one I'll have to write without any prewritten sections and probably on a phone.
> 
> -
> 
> Check end notes if you feel like you'd like to see an overview of this chapter. This story is quite heavy and real with the anxiety, and it is present in this chapter as usual (in most of Nathan's chapters, actually). Take care. 
> 
> Thank you<3

NATHAN

Nathan had been feeling strangely off ever since that damned disaster of a fair. 

Nathan had also been feeling the most fucking humiliated he could remember being in years. Maybe ever! He’d fucked up. Really, really, fucked up. It’d been so inappropriate, calling out to Liam like that, like to a _ mate_. Like Nathan had any right to it. All in front of his bonded pack, nonetheless. 

But still, that wasn't _it_. That was different. The humiliation Nathan understood, he knew why it was there, and he was also firmly trying to ignore it. Pretend it hadn't happened, forcefully pushing those horrible feelings away. 

What _it_ was, was everything else. Everything that was feeling off since the fair.

No. Ever since Isac had touched him. Except, no… Since knowing Liam? Yeah. But also, no. Before that, he’d already been a bit sick, before that. And it all had just intensified, since then. And gotten worse. 

Worse worse worse…

The fair had just crumbled all sense of control Nathan had thought he had. All the progress? Gone. Agitated Confusion? All over everything.

Useless. That’s what it was. That’s what _ he _ was. 

Why even bother if nothing was changing? Maybe this was just how his life was and would always be? 

Because… It kind of seemed that the more he tried, the worse things got. 

Is _that_ what they called healing, now?

At first, Nathan had thought that he had managed to shake the Fair Freakout off; he’d been calming down, safely tucked into the solitude of his flat after he’d parted ways with the others. Nathan had sat in an almost boiling bath until the hollow shakiness had washed from his muscles, and then he’d drank tea, and cocooned under the covers until he’d fallen asleep. 

It had helped. Nathan knew by now how to self-treat his anxiety, even when he didn’t really have the energy to do that for himself. He’d learned the hard way that ignoring the jitters, and the tension and the underlying simmering panic, would only make things worse. So, he always tried to go through his _ ‘I don’t feel like I can do this and it probably won’t help anyway but it should because it did help last time’ _ -routine. Warmth, hydration, distracting and soft playlist, even softer clothes, and sleep.

It had worked to an extent. It _ had. _

But Nathan couldn’t help but feel like... maybe it would’ve helped more to stay with the pack that had been so concerned for him?

If any of that was even real. 

It just… it hadn’t been an option ever before, to stay with someone. It was scary and so unfamiliar. Nathan knew what worked for him, and just because he felt a -_ a pull_, that didn’t mean he’d automatically be comfortable with something so drastically different. 

Nathan knew how to take care of himself! Even just thinking that maybe he should have stayed- _ could _have let them keep comforting him... It made him feel like… 

It wasn’t their job to deal with his crap. It was no one’s job, only Nathan’s. And he had been dealing with his own crap his entire life! Why’d he all of a sudden try to push it onto other people’s shoulders? 

No. 

He’d been just fine. The quiet melodies from his _ Studio Ghibli _ sleeping playlist were just as good at comforting as some boys he’d just met would’ve been. That’s what Nathan insisted, anyway.

Nathan was fine, he was taking care of himself as well as he could, so it did not make sense why the overwhelming tension lingered. 

Well, some sort of tension was always there, sitting on his shoulders with familiarity, but Nathan was so used to it that he barely noticed it. He was more likely to notice when that lifelong pressure _ lifted_, which was rare, and only happened when he was actually happy about something. 

Or that was Nathan’s theory, at least. He hadn’t been purely happy like that, undistracted, in a long time. It was hard to remember.

He did notice the different shade of anxiety that had been hanging onto him ever since the fair, and it was starting to wear him down. Nathan had no idea what was up with it all, and even that frustration seemed to just feed into the tightness of his chest. 

He had already been jumpy for some time, more than usual. Every loud sound at uni and any sudden movement in the library seemed to kick his heartbeat into a frenzy. It was overwhelming, his chest hurt and his hands were freezing and he felt a bit dizzy and why were the lecture halls so big and what if he threw up and where was his bag so he could at least aim there if he did do that and oh fucking hell too many people why are the chairs so loud when they screech over the floor and -

Nathan did recognise that he was having some sort of sensory overload mixed with whatever it was that had been building up the past days. It was like something had triggered, and then other things triggered on top of that, and then on top of that, and then...

But Nathan had stubbornly kept thinking that it would get better when he just made it home after uni. It had been a couple of days since the fair after all, and it should’ve been _ fixed _ by now! Going home to his flat should’ve helped. It had to help. What else did he have? 

It had been his mantra through the lectures of the past few days: 

_ Just get through this day and I can go home. I can go home soon. I’ll just sit here and breathe and then get on the bus and I can go to bed. _

Yet there he was, shaking even under the thick covers of his bed, heart doing something weird and kind of painful in his chest. Nathan didn’t want to google the symptoms of a heart attack; he’d made the mistake of looking up medical things in the past and he’d learned his lesson. 

Even though he knew full well that anxiety attacks could bring chest pain and shakiness and cold hands and dizziness… none of that knowledge really helped the stupid fear. Like, what if? What if he really was having a heart attack? What would happen? 

No one would realise he’d had it until after literal _days_. No one visited him. It wasn’t unusual for him to not message people - his mum - back with delay. His parents were across the country. He hadn’t even met his neighbours because he always made sure the hallway was empty before he stalked out. He was alone.

Nathan tried to stop himself from thinking, staring at the ceiling while he breathed through the heaviness of his chest. His thoughts were so obviously spiralling, but he had no idea what to do about it. It was so stupid! Nathan _ knew _ it was just anxiety, not a bloody heart attack!

But what if… something in him insisted.

Nathan bit his teeth together harder, and tried to think about something else.

Although he’d never seen his neighbours, Nathan most definitely had heard them. They had a life, right behind his wall, and he could hear them live it.

The child, a toddler by the sounds of it, was crying loudly again, her mum speaking rapidly in a foreign language, which Nathan still hadn’t been able to accurately pinpoint or confirm. Arabic perhaps? That didn’t narrow down a specific country or dialect, but that was the best Nathan had been able to conduct from the louder conversations, sounds on their tv, and the occasional music.

The little girl cried a lot, but that seemed to be toddlers’ way of communication before they actually learned their words. Still, it didn’t make it easier to handle, as a person who didn’t really do well with yelling. Nathan wasn’t that interested in dealing with children anyway, as they were so unpredictable and messy and always demanded something and they were so loud and so loud and so loud -

_ Why aren’t they shutting up?! Make her stop! Shut up shut up shut up - _

Nathan was grinding his teeth together too hard, hands pressing over his ears but it didn’t help. And he felt bad even thinking so harshly about a kid but she was so loud and he was being so bad and mean and why couldn’t the parents just do their job and was that beeping sound coming from his flat or outside the flat or their flat -

Nathan sat up, the covers thick and hot over his freezing lap. His hands were so cold and so shaky when he grabbed his phone.

A playlist was on, a different calming piano set today, but even that felt too messy with everything happening in that moment. Too much. Can’t focus.

Nathan turned it off.

Nothing _was_ happening, nothing real. But, fuck, his heart was jumping, reacting to the high pitched beeps that sounded like a smoke alarm, and it didn’t help in the slightest that the sound had already quieted. Had it been in his flat? If so, surely it would’ve been louder, more repetitive, and not that sort of scattered whining. Wasn’t the neighbour’s man banging about near their front door? Yes, maybe, maybe it was that, maybe the man was doing something, there wouldn’t be any smoke in Nathan’s flat, but did he smell something, what if it was the carbon monoxide alarm, what were the symptoms for the reaction to that, what -

Nathan closed his eyes and forced a deep breath out through his mouth. 

“Calm down,” he told himself, voice a thick whisper. “You’re ok. You know what this is and you’re ok. It’ll go away.”

It was always so strange, having what felt like two different brains. One that was rational and completely aware of what was going on, and one that didn’t give two shits about that, wrecking havoc no matter what.

Helpless, that’s what it made Nathan feel. He knew it would pass and he’d be fine, but that didn’t really help in the moment. Because what if?

And wasn’t the fact that he knew it would pass, just the biggest guilt-tripper of all times?

Nathan kind of wanted to call his mum, he always did, but it would pass, and then he’d have just made her worry for no reason. She wouldn’t know what to say anyway. She did try, in her own way, but Nathan had noticed that he still often felt worse after speaking with her than he had before.

It was like his first instinct would forever be to go to his fucking mummy, only to remember, or maybe to re-realise, that his mummy didn’t know how to handle - emotions? Or just him? His emotions?

Nathan still wasn’t sure what the case with his mum was, but he knew he kept going back to her for something she wasn’t able to give. Whatever that was. Or maybe he was being unrealistic.

She just… Nathan didn’t even know what he needed, what he was hoping to get, but… His mum just tended to repeat that she felt so bad because she didn’t know what to say. Or she would start talking about her own experiences. Say:_ ‘I know how that feels, trust me, I know. A few years ago_…’ and it wasn’t helpful, it wasn’t _ anything _ in those moments. It just felt like speaking into an empty space. Or rather, Nathan felt like he was abandoned in empty space, because she wasn’t _ listening! _

But she was, just not in a way that made Nathan feel like she heard him...

He wouldn’t call her. He hadn’t for a while now. Nathan felt bad about it, and confused. He didn’t know if there was something wrong with him, or if something really was missing from his connection with his mum. Maybe he just expected too much? Maybe he was needy? Maybe there was something really out of place in his head and he just tried to blame others for his issues, but he wasn’t blaming his mum, it wasn’t her fault and maybe -

Nathan swiped away from her number. 

She was his only used contact, really. Only real contact, even if it felt more draining than giving at times. 

For some strange reason, Nathan briefly thought about messaging Sammy, but that one was shot down as fast as the rogue idea appeared. Maybe they had been pretty close once, being familiar with each other growing up and then living together, but now Nathan was only filled with burning, anxious dread and confusing waves of feelings of abandonment when he thought about him. 

Nathan never even considered his dad.

Nathan swiped again and clicked on another name before he could think himself out of it, his fingers numb against the screen.

_ Please, pick up. _

_ Please, don’t pick up. _

_ Please, pick up - _

“Hey, Nathan,” Liam’s even voice carried through the speaker. He sounded content. Calm. Almost familiar, already after only a couple of weeks. “Alright?”

“I, um,” Nathan said, or tried to. His voice was thick and getting caught in his throat. Fast. Just do it fast. It can’t be worse than this. He said he would. They had said they would. It wouldn’t be a bother. If they got annoyed, or angry, he wouldn’t have to see them ever again. Maybe just this once. Next time he would be okay alone. He was okay alone now, too. He was fine. He shouldn’t have called. He could handle this, he -

“Nathan?” Liam sounded concerned now, probably able to hear the harsh, too fast way Nathan kept breathing out of his nose.

“Could you, could - I’m sorry if you’re busy, I - uh, you said I could call if… Maybe you could com- I mean… Nothing’s wrong but I’m feeling a bit - it’s just too much, and my neighbour’s kid is screaming and I think there was some kind of alarm in the flat but maybe it was in their flat, and my chest hurts and you said it’d, it’d be ok if -”

“Love, okay, okay. Pause for a moment, and breathe. Can you do that? Just try to take a deep breath,” Liam cut in, voice even and stable, and Nathan wanted to lean against it. Whatever that meant. 

Dutifully, he dragged air into his lungs, his heart still weirdly present in a way it usually wasn’t. 

Were you supposed to be able to feel your heart like that? Especially when it kind of wriggled and missed a beat, or something, that must be bad, right? That must -

“Another one, please,” Liam said, kindly, herding Nathan’s mind back to the task and his voice. “Okay, that’s good. So good, Nat. Just focus on that, and I’ll be there soon, yeah? Can you text me your address while we are on call?”

“I- yes. I, just a sec,” Nathan stuttered, hands fumbling with his phone. 

He exited the call screen and opened their WhatsApp conversation, sending a pin of his location and his flat number to Liam.

“Thank you, I got it just now,” Liam said, purposefully soothing, just like before. Nathan didn’t even have the capacity to think how embarrassing it was that Liam had to do that. “I’m really not that far, maybe ten minutes? I’ll have you on speaker while I drive, okay?”

“No, that’s- Don’t have to do that, just…” Nathan exhaled out a stressed, stuttering breath, “Let me know when you get here? I’ll buzz you in. And… I mean. You don’t have to, like- I’ll be fine? So, just, if you’re busy - ”

“Nathan. I am not busy. And even if I was, I’d still be getting in the car right now. Okay?” Liam’s voice was still calm, but it had a strong and definite undertone now; almost authoritative, but not quite. Nathan found himself hunching a little, feeling warmer. He wrapped his free arm around his middle, ending up with a pitiful mockery of a hug. 

Briefly, in the midst of the foggy and anguished chaos of overwhelmed feelings, there was a tiniest sliver of relief: Maybe Nathan didn’t have to worry about having all the control? 

Maybe he could trust Liam to… _ Something_. To do something. That’s why Nathan had called him, right? But why was it so hard to comprehend what Liam could _ ever _ do, to help, when nothing or no one had helped before? 

Yet somehow Liam already was. Helping. 

He was _ there_, now, and he was going to be there, and he sounded so sure about being there. So sure that Nathan could actually, maybe, believe it. 

“Okay,” Nathan said, voice coming out too small and thick. He could hear keys jingling on the other end of the call. “Um… Thank you, Liam.”

“Of course,” Liam replied. _ Of course. _ Just like that. Like it was obvious.

Fucking hell...

It really wasn’t an of course, and had never been an of course, to Nathan. For so long, it had been ‘of course _ not’ _. Of course, you’re on your own. In the end, always on your own.

It felt dangerous to trust something, now. Nathan didn’t know if he was ready to change that expectation. Not yet.

“Y’sure you don’t want to stay on call, love?” Liam asked then, something shuffling in the background as he moved. Nathan rubbed his eyes before standing up to look around his tiny space. He shook his head even though Liam wasn’t be able to see it. Fuck, his brain was a glitching mess…

“No, it’s okay, just… Drive safe?” Nathan said, walking across his flat with shaky legs, eyes already scanning the dishes on the counter. It was a mess. Can’t be a mess. Can’t have people over when it’s a mess. Fuck’s sake. Stop being such a mess.

“Ten minutes, alright? And call me if… Just, you can call again if you feel like it,” Liam said, too kind. Were people ever really this kind? Was it a trick?

Nathan tried to be quiet as he hid the cutlery from his lunch in the dishwasher. 

“Yeah, I’ll… Okay,” Nathan said, scratching his arm a bit too aggressively while he stood back up and looked around. “See you?”

“Yeah, soon,” Liam promised.

Once the call was disconnected, Nathan rushed to neaten up the few things still out of place. 

He loaded the mugs from the sink into the dishwasher, and then swiped the breadcrumbs from the table into the trash. He quickly washed his hands, and then headed to the small couch to snag up the kind-of-clean hoodies there. Nathan didn’t want to put them into the laundry yet, so he decided to sacrifice his system and instead pushed the already worn hoodies back inside the closet. It wasn’t like they’d actually somehow contaminate the cleanness of everything else. Right?

Nathan frowned. He felt _ wrong_.

And then he remembered he had a bathroom, and did he even have any loo roll left and he hadn’t showered and was the whole mirror speckled with toothpaste and -

The toilet paper was there, he had bought more just the day before. The mirror was as good as new after a quick swipe.

Nathan’s hands were still shaking, but the cleaning was giving him something else to focus on. He washed them again.

Having to actually, physically, move to clean, should’ve also stopped him from ruminating over the fact that there was a reason why he was now, on top of everything, getting anxious over the state of his flat. It should’ve. It just… didn’t.

The flat was pretty organised as it was, but… It was always better to have it perfect, y’know? Like, Nathan knew his mum wasn’t the one about to come back home from work, just to start yelling about the plates on the counter, or the tomato sauce on the stove and the tiles, or the -

Right. That was then. Not now. 

This was good enough. 

It _ was. _Liam wouldn’t care, wouldn’t think badly of him, even if the trash bag was kind of full. And even if he would, he probably wouldn’t get angry about it? Like, that didn’t -

But the cleaning wouldn’t even change a thing... There would always be something that would ruin it. Maybe he missed something? Maybe the dishwasher should be on, so it’d be clear that he’d actually tried and had done something? But maybe he had left the empty toilet paper rolls in the bathroom again? Or maybe his dad would leave the dishes out again, just after Nathan had cleared them so mum wouldn’t get upset about the mess? But he couldn’t tell his dad what to do, or he might yell, too. And… Just, any misstep. 

A too loud telly. 

A wrong tone. 

A -

Nathan banged his arm against the doorframe of the bathroom, startling unproportionally badly when the entry phone suddenly rang. 

“Fuck,” he hissed, rubbing at the stinging pain. A static, black and white video of Liam appeared on the little screen of the door phone. Nathan buzzed him in, and the video disappeared. “_Fuck_.”

Well, at least the sudden pain was enough to shock some clarity into him, and make Nathan realise what exactly was happening with the worsening turmoil of his feelings and anxiety. 

Emotional flashback. Nathan had read about it now. He’d probably had them for years, just without knowing what they were, and always assuming he was just randomly feeling bad all of a sudden. But no. There was a trigger. There _ had been _a trigger.

Right then was the first time Nathan was able to pinpoint it happening, while it was happening. Sure, it didn’t stop the onslaught of the past emotions from flooding him, nor did they feel any less bad, but at least he was _ aware_. He wasn’t going mad, getting anxious without no rhyme or reason; it was something he should be able to work on.

Even before it had clicked, Nathan had been able to rationalise, mostly, that he didn’t _ really _have to worry about his mum coming home to yell about the nonexistent mess. Of course she wasn’t coming, she was across the bloody country!

It felt like progress, the realisation. 

Too bad Nathan didn’t have time to think it over… Because for some reason he had thought it was a good idea to call _ Liam. _Who was coming over. To be inside Nathan’s flat. 

Literally _ right now. _

And then, after a light knock, twist of keys, and a quick open and close of the front door, Nathan was no longer alone in the small studio. 

Which...

Liam seemed larger than usual there, filling up the small space that was the very front of Nathan’s flat. He was a well built and tall alpha to begin with, but it felt like he was somehow... _ more_, now.

“Hi,” Nathan said, voice breathless and dumb. 

Had the room gotten smaller? It must’ve. Or, or maybe it was just the natural way Liam’s scent was reaching towards Nathan, already making itself at home in the space that had been so empty, only a moment before. 

And gosh, Liam was scenting out comfort. And calm. Safety. _ Together_. 

It was almost dizzying.

Nathan tried to breathe through his mouth. Didn’t need to repeat the humiliation from the last time they’d seen each other.

“Hey,” Liam said, a small, concerned smile pushing his dimples in deeper. His brown eyes were watching Nathan, probably trying to read where he was at. Fuck, Nathan wished he knew that himself...

Liam’s presence felt almost jarringly sudden and strange, but, still, it wasn’t necessarily unwelcome. It was just that… 

No one had really visited Nathan during all the months he’d lived here on his own? His mum and dad didn’t count, and even they had only dropped by when they had helped Nathan to get his belongings from Sammy’s place. 

Right, and Sammy had invited himself in once, too, probably just to see if there was anything he could pretend to know more about than Nathan... Nathan decided that the arsehole didn’t count either, even if that boosted his visitor count down to a sparkling zero. 

Still, used to it or not, Nathan was pretty sure he’d normally get really stressed out about someone coming over, especially in such short notice. No, wait. Actually; normally he wouldn’t even think about letting someone visit in such short notice. 

However, the anxiety, and the risk Nathan felt he was taking by even trying this _ thing _ with Liam, was overwhelming enough to distract him from that.

Like, the alpha was here now. What was Nathan supposed to do with that?

And just like that, along with that thought, Nathan suddenly found himself unable to speak. He just stared up at Liam, wide eyed and frustratingly shaky, trying to figure out what was to happen now.

Anything Nathan tried to come up with felt wrong. Words? No. 

This… What? How…

Liam was just calmly looking at him, waiting him out. Still scenting out that comfort and safety and care, and it was almost stressful how unfamiliar it was. How was Nathan supposed to give into that? To trust that? What if Liam would leave? 

He was allowed to leave. Of course he was. But Nathan didn’t want to put himself into a situation where he’d be left hurting, left out and behind, again. That’s what Nathan had learned to expect when he _ trusted_.

“Can I come in?” Liam asked, still watching Nathan, and probably noticing the way he was unconsciously digging his freezing fingers into is own arms. Nathan tried to relax his hold, but he hated the trembling feeling. It felt so uncontrollable. Tensing up was... It felt like he had even some say over his own damn body, that way. Made him feel more cohesive in himself. 

Nathan made a small agreeing noise to signal that, yes, Liam could come in, and then shuffled back a little, quietly tracking the way Liam removed his shoes and his coat. 

Right. 

Because he was in Nathan’s flat. And he’d maybe stay. For a bit. Because Nathan had called. Why had he called? This didn’t feel... This wasn’t how things usually went, not at all what he was used to.

But wasn’t that exactly the point? 

Whatever he’d been trying to do before - for years, always dealing with things the same “safe” way - it clearly hadn’t worked. But. This felt so unfamiliar, out of his comfort zone, but maybe...

Nathan had never really shared an ongoing- well, _ freakout_, with anyone like this. Not while he was physically in their presence as it happened, and especially not when he had actually acknowledged it, instead of trying to brush it off until he could escape the situation to hide it out.

So, Liam knew what was going on - assumably, based on the phone call which Nathan could barely remember - and Nathan knew what was going on. And...

Honestly, Nathan just had no idea what to expect. His only experiences were along the lines of _ Conceal, Don’t Feel_. Or, when he got too tired to be able to keep it under wraps and he tried to get some relief and comfort for it from his mum, he’d only end up feeling dismissed and ignored. Or even find himself in a fight with her. Whatever route it took, he was left feeling worse more often than not. Usually without even realising how it had happened...

Liam had hung his coat and his boots were neatly lined up against the wall. He combed his fingers through the hair on his temples, the blond waves looking even paler in the entryway’s white lighting. Nathan could only handle a short meeting of their eyes, before unease started to burn under his breastbone. He looked down.

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Liam asked, voice low and quiet, and somehow captivating all of Nathan’s attention. Even his skin seemed to be tuned in, sensitising. “It’s fine if not.”

Maybe it was _ especially _ his skin.

Nathan swallowed heavily, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. This was weird, right? Liam was probably thinking Nathan was being weird. 

But... But it was so hard. Nathan’s whole body felt cold and hollow, feet frozen and stupid hands forever shaking. Words kept getting stuck, not just in his throat but already in his mind. This - this _ thing _ with Liam - wasn’t something that happened! How was he supposed to know? How was he supposed to prepare for this when this never happened?

Maybe he had already freaked Liam out by being... him. Just him. That was possible. It’d have been fair enough, too. Nathan was barely able to handle himself.

But... if he had already fucked up somehow, he no longer had anything to lose, right? And, well, Liam was still here, wasn’t he?

God, Nathan was a mess... How in the hell was Liam still here?

Without thinking, Nathan was suddenly nodding; a jerky up and down of his head, jaw clenched and fingernails a dull pain in his upper arms.

“Thank you,” Liam was saying, which didn’t make any sense. Firstly, because why’d he thank Nathan for that? Shouldn’t Nathan thank him? He would, if only his stupid mouth would work! Secondly, Liam was suddenly doing exactly what he’d just gotten the permission for, and Nathan’s brain was struggling to compute.

Liam was _ touching _ him. 

Hugging him. 

Warm, wide chest against Nathan’s. Arms strong behind his back. A perfect spot on the dip of Liam’s neck and shoulder, right where Nathan could press his cheek on, to just hide, to rest... to breathe. 

And the scent. 

All caution Nathan had tried to uphold was slipping through his fingers, the selfish part of him too eager to just soak in that comforting alphan scent. 

Fuck, Nathan had never hugged an alpha like this. Not ever. He wasn’t scent marking Liam, Nathan wouldn’t! But even without that, he had never been so submerged in someone’s scent like this. The imprint that Nathan had been fighting to ignore, sank its claws in impossibly further, inking Liam’s scent somewhere far deeper than it had any right to be.

Because... 

Because Liam wasn’t his. Not his to scent. Not his to hold. 

Yet here the alpha was, offering all of that.

“Is it, um...” Nathan whispered into Liam’s collar, feeling unfamiliarly tiny and cocooned and soft. Warm. His whole body seemed to be shuddering, as if melting from deep ice. Nathan tried to avoid paying attention to how obvious the shaking must’ve been. It was humiliating enough without acknowledging that Liam could feel every trembling breath. “Will Isac be… Is he - Will he be mad?”

Yeah, maybe he already was. Nathan had kind of been ignoring his phone these past days, too overwhelmed to handle anything. He felt so guilty about it, which just made the overwhelm worse.

But maybe Isac would also be mad about this. Hopefully not, but… What if? This was his pack alpha, not Nathan’s, not his to -

“I’ve been instructed to give you all the - and I quote - _ ‘huggies and kissies’ _ you want,” Liam said, and Nathan could feel how his voice rumbled through his chest. The vibration reverberated against Nathan’s body, somehow making his limbs feel less detached. “Iz said that they are all from him, and that he’ll check that they were _ ‘given properly_’, when you guys meet up the next time.”

“Oh...” Nathan breathed out, the sound just a short burst of air. _ Oh. _

“Yeah,” Liam hummed in gentle agreement, one palm raising to cradle the back of Nathan’s head, while the other petted up and down between his shoulder blades. Liam sighed, cheek soft against Nathan’s temple, before he continued; “Kit would’ve been here in a heartbeat, too, y’know. I know you only just met him, but he really would.” Nathan’s sighing exhale stuttered, and Liam’s arms hugged him impossibly closer. “We should definitely talk more about that- _ this_, sometime soon, but just...”

Nathan could feel Liam press a kiss on the side of his head, and a shudder ran through his whole body; a tremble of warmth cutting into the freezing depth of anxiety.

“No one’s mad at you for anything, love. Okay? I’m happy to be here, and Iz and Kit are both happy that I’m able to be here with you.

So don’t ever worry about that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter: Description of anxiety and anxiety attacks. Nathan goes through an emotional flashback relating to his childhood experiences, and then some. It's not fun stuff, but I promise there's a treat of sorts at the end. (And the chapter after this will be pure fluff and I can't wait to write it because I need more of that sweet comfort I finally got to do at the end here ahh!) 
> 
> -  
I'm so cruel to Nathan, honestly. Poor baby. Liam, take him away from me.  
-
> 
> Thank you for the absolutely amazing support and feedback once again! I keep reading these comments and making weird hurt lil faces and noises because you guys are just too damn sweet! :'O It's truly been really helpful: I love seeing what's stood out and what you picked up on in the chapters and what you think about the bois and all that! It's good to get a glimpse into what Not-My-Brain sees when reading this.  
Thank you so much, I appreciate it more than you probably realise.<3  
-  
https://coldercreation.tumblr.com/


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so! much! once again lovelies! The response to this story keeps blowing my insecure wee mind ahh!<3 Think of this as a little winter greetings/holiday present! Also, I finally promised you some fluff, so I hope this rots at least one (1) tooth? :')
> 
> Chapter 10! Brought to you by one brave little phone, holiday traffic, and google docs, which kept crashing under the 40K word-count we've reached here (90K for the whole series?! Ma baby gotten so big!)
> 
> I hope you like this new chapter just as much as the previous ones! xx

LIAM

Liam was still trying to catch up with the fact that he now had a very lovely, very sad boy in his arms.

To be fair though, Liam hadn’t had the faintest of ideas what he had been about to walk into, when Nathan had called. The whole drive there had been a big, messy blurr of worry, with a healthy spritz of worst case scenarios thrown on top. Maybe Liam was allowed to be a little slow taking this all in? It was genuinely a miracle that his _ Rearing to go _\- protective instincts were already even half as soothed as they were. 

For Nathan’s sake, Liam had tried to keep his own freak out and feelings of helplessness at the minimum. Still, it would’ve been a blatant lie to say that they hadn’t been there. Liam just… Liam wasn’t always the best at working through undefined obstacles and uncertainty. He just wanted to help, to _ fix _things, and it made him restless when he couldn’t, especially when he didn’t even know what he was up against.

And with Nathan… Well. The weight of the hurt he carried was obvious on his slim shoulders. What it was and why it was there, was still a mystery. All Liam could do was to stomp down the reflex to fight; the culprit that was causing such distress wasn’t something he could just tackle and have it be dealt with. That didn’t sit well with Liam - and especially not with the panting alpha prowling inside him - but he had to accept that some fights couldn’t be won with bared teeth and quick brash action. 

Sometimes, what helped the most, required the least. 

Liam’s nose and lungs were full of Nathan’s omegan scent, now. The distress was still clinging to the air and it hadn’t completely cleared from Nathan’s skin either. Although Liam had been very careful to keep his own emotions level, not wanting to be anything but a calm, safe presence for Nathan, it was still hard. Liam wasn’t unaffected by the choking depth of Nathan’s anxiety, it would’ve been impossible not to react to it. Fortunately, the way they were able to physically touch, and be touched in turn, helped immensely with calming them both down. 

It was quiet in the flat. Liam had cracked the windows and curtains open earlier, and the fresh air was making it easier to breathe. The hum of traffic was distant, creating a lulling white noise in the small room.

Liam was trying very hard not to just press his nose into the crook of Nathan’s neck, not wanting to bother him with something so direct, and maybe too intimate, as he calmed down. The bed they were laying on was saturated enough with the alluring scent anyway, and Liam could tell he was getting a bit loopy and scent-drunk just from being allowed there. 

Nathan’s flat was a cozy little studio, all neat and bare surfaces, along with high ceilings. There weren’t that many personalised elements or nicknacks there, but the small size and the furniture sitting comfortably close together, stopped the place from looking empty. Aside some fruit on the breakfast table, there was only one obvious thing that stood out as something Nathan must’ve brought in himself. The place wasn’t impersonal, it was clearly lived in, but this item was more obviously _Nathan’s _than anything else Liam could see there. 

The rough looking plush toy Husky was curled up with them on the bed, fur a bit patchy and matted with time. Its pale blue plastic eyes watched Liam from behind Nathan’s back, as if a real dog guarding their owner. It was adorable, and Liam made sure the toy wasn’t at risk of falling over the edge of the mattress. Nathan had wrinkled his nose, embarrassed heat on his cheeks, when he had noticed the way Liam tucked the dog in with them. 

It was very obvious that Nathan spent most of his time there on the bed. It was where his scent was the strongest, and it seemed like the most comfortable and the warmest place to settle down to. And… 

Liam really couldn’t fully comprehend the magnitude of this situation?

The _omega_ they were_ courting,_ had accepted him in such a deeply private space. 

And...

Okay, fine._ Trying _ to court, really.

Hopefully, soon. Maybe...

Either way, allowing a new scent to mix with one’s own wasn’t something that was done with just anyone. It always required a certain level of trust. Especially for the more comfort-driven omegas, welcoming someone’s scent like that - into their home, into their _ nest _ \- was a big deal. 

Liam was very carefully keeping all of _ that _under control, because he knew this situation wasn’t an everyday thing. He was very aware that Nathan might not have made the same decisions under different circumstances, and any implications his actions might have carried some other time, definitely didn’t hold up now. Liam wanted and insisted on verbal cues anyway, so before he dared to even dream about returned feelings and aligned imprints, he’d need actual words to feel comfortable.

As always, nothing rational like that stopped his stupid alpha-brain from preening and getting unnessesarily inflated... The fact that their imprinted omega was trustingly under his arm, safe and sound after some intense distress, was doing things to Liam.

Gosh, he fancied this boy. The emotional intensity of _ that _ had very little to do with the still strengthening biological imprint. 

So far, Nathan had been very quiet outside the phone call. He wasn’t passive or unresponsive, though, or anything of the sort. Liam could tell he was very much aware and present, red rimmed eyes watching avidly as Liam did his best to soothe him. Despite working with very limited information, Liam quickly noticed that the touch alone seemed to help Nathan, coaxing him further away from the anxious mindset he’d been in.

Yeah. Once Nathan had realised it was something he could have, he had immediately leaned into the offered touch. It had taken him a moment, movements cautious and testing, but Liam had just waited patiently. For something like that, Liam would wait for an eternity. And no, he wasn’t even ashamed of the soppiness of that. 

Now, a while later, Liam could feel the faintest hint of a purr rolling against where Nathan’s chest was tucked along his side. 

It was barely there, completely inaudible, which was a little unusual.

Liam tilted his chin to peer down at Nathan, checking if he could see some notable lingering tension. He seemed fine, though. Heaps better than before, at least. Yet Liam knew he wasn’t imagining the gentle vibrations he felt. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Liam said, the palm of his hand petting along Nathan’s spine. The softly spoken words felt loud, breaking the quiet of the room after the stretching silence. “You don’t have to hold back. I really don’t mind.”

“Hm?” Nathan hummed, brows furrowing in confusion as he tilted his head back a bit, looking up at Liam questioningly. His blue eyes were still red and puffy, but there hadn’t been any tears for now. “Hold- Um, what?”

“The purr?” Liam said, and then watched as a curious array of emotions fluttered across Nathan’s face.

“Oh,” Nathan said. He seemed vaguely surprised. “I didn’t- notice I was doing that?”

“Holding back?” Liam asked with a small smile, fingertips meeting the warm skin of Nathan’s nape before moving back down. The bubbling buzz of the barely-there purr tickled Liam’s palm when he rested it on Nathan’s upper back.

“No, um… The purring,” Nathan said slowly, looking puzzled, and like he was cautiously taking stock of his body and its sensations. The strength of the purr stayed level and just as quiet as before, Nathan’s focus didn’t seem to affect the fragile state of it. With a shake of his head, Nathan blinked back into the moment, nose wrinkling: “Why does it have to be called something so… _ Eh_.”

To his amusement, Liam was very familiar with that train of thought, “‘_Eh_’ and stupid? Lame? Dehumanising?” Liam breathed out a laugh, meeting Nathan’s curious gaze for a moment before it skittered away again. “Yeah… Izzy doesn’t love it either.” Liam shrugged against the pillows. “He still hasn’t figured out a better word for it, so… Purring it is?”

Nathan huffed, a small smile tugging on the corner of his mouth where it was pressed against Liam’s chest. It was quick to vanish though, and Nathan sighed. “Um. I- I used to purr for myself when- When I was growing up… Like, for comfort?”

“Yeah,” Liam said, hand still rubbing Nathan’s back in between the jutting of his shoulder blades. He partly hoped it would somehow coax the susurrating rumble out properly, but mostly it was just nice to finally be able to _ touch _ so freely. 

Comfort-purring was one of the instinctual ways omegas self-soothed; it came built in within their biology, and anything from intense emotions to physical pain would usually trigger it. Isac often declared it to be the bane of his existence. He didn’t appreciate how the purr could sometimes snitch on him, revealing too much for his liking if he wasn’t quick enough to consciously suppress it. That was only when he was upset, though. When Isac was content and happy, his purring was completely uninhibited and unashamed; _ lovely. _

It was hard to describe what Nathan’s version of it was, since it was barely strong enough to detect. He said he hadn’t even noticed it, but maybe he was just deflecting, to avoid saying that he wasn’t comfortable enough to fully relax with Liam there? It would’ve been completely fine if he wasn’t. With Nathan’s anxiety and skittishness, it honestly wouldn’t have been that big of a surprise if that was the case. 

However, what Nathan said next quickly shattered that theory; “I think I stopped purring around the time I started school?” Nathan paused, the cheek not pressed against Liam’s chest hollowing in as he chewed on it. “I don’t really remember, but… Yeah. I just- never did it again?”

Liam couldn’t stop his brows from jumping up in bewildered surprise. They quickly dropped back down though, pulling into a deep frown. The confusion remained just the same. 

While trying to decode the meaning of the words, Liam lifted his hand from Nathan’s back to gently tap on his cheek, quietly coaxing him into not biting on it. 

“What do you mean?” Liam asked. _ Since starting school? _Nathan was only a few years younger than Liam, but even still, primary school was a long time ago for both of them... 

Nathan shrugged a little, the move almost masking the way he was pressing closer. Liam only frowned harder. He lowered his palm behind Nathan’s neck, hoping it’d make him feel more sheltered and tucked in.

“I know it’s not really that- great? I mean, I know it’s not good for Os to not do it.” There was obvious tension building on Nathan’s body with the words, and Liam watched with sad eyes how Nathan’s teeth found the inside of his lip. He probably wasn’t aware or conscious of the nervous habit. “I know they tell us to go check it out if something’s off with it but… I wasn’t… I was just a kid, y’know? I didn’t really think about it. And- it’s not like they could’ve done anything? Going to the nurse would’ve probably just made things, like… I don’t even know.” 

Nathan shook his head and sighed. 

“I guess... It just became _ normal, _to not have it happen? And now I keep forgetting it’s, like, a thing?” Nathan’s fingers clenched around Liam’s shirt. He was hiding his face against it, looking down and baring more of his nape to Liam’s touch. It was hard to tell if the trusting gesture was intentional, or if the desire to keep his gaze lowered and hidden was stronger than anything else. “I know it’s not good. I didn’t realise it was even- there? Just now, I mean. It used to be so loud, back then. Too loud.”

Too loud? 

An omegan purr for comfort and self-soothing, too loud? 

For what?

Liam was trying really hard not to jump to any hasty conclusions. That’d have been foolish of him, based on so little information alone. Nevertheless, something ugly and protective in him was reacting to the unspoken story behind Nathan’s quiet admission. 

With a deep, steadying breath, Liam reined his prickling alpha back in. He focused on thinking out _ calm _ and _ comfort, _instead.

“I think it’s supposed to be quite noticeable?” Liam said carefully. That was true. 

The purr was usually a signal of one of two things: either something was very, very nice, or not nice at all. Usually it was really easy to figure out, based on the situation, which one was causing the omega to purr.

“I guess,” Nathan said, lightly and shrugging, as if it didn’t really apply to him. Liam could feel that Nathan was slowly relaxing again, his body silently revealing that the anxiety-causing part of the conversation was over. It didn’t make much sense?

It was strange, the airy and unbothered flippancy of Nathan’s tone. He obviously didn’t enjoy talking about this, and his past, but it seemed like he wasn’t really connecting his own words about omegan health to himself. 

Nathan said that it - his biological safety-mechanism _ malfunctioning _ \- had become so normal that he barely noticed it. But... There was a difference between being a child needing help with a problem and internalising something as normal because the issue never got treated at all. The first one was solved by adults stepping in to do their part as caregivers. The latter meant the former had completely failed to happen. 

Liam’s frown didn’t let up when Nathan continued, like an afterthought: “‘s just better to be quiet sometimes.”

And if that wasn’t just so completely… misguided. 

What do you even say to something like that? 

Nathan seemed to think nothing of it. Not even after just explaining, in his own bloody words, how it was a serious concern if an omega lost the function. It was never good. Even ignoring and blocking it too much, purposefully, wasn’t considered good.

Liam licked over his bottom lip, trying to come up with something that wouldn’t disturb the relative calmness they’d managed to find.

“Well. Whenever you feel like not being quiet...” Liam said with a little shrug, settling onto a vague enough approach that was still inviting and accepting. And... Liam really wasn’t sure what he was doing? 

It was only becoming more obvious that Nathan’s anxiety went past just simple _ anxiety, _and Liam’s heart ached for him just from these little secret glimpses... He wanted to help, and the only things Liam had guiding him, were his own gut feelings and Nathan himself. 

Before today’s call, Nathan had seemed dead set on not acknowledging that anything was going on. He was very clearly hurting, very clearly dealing with _ something_, and it was understandable that he wasn’t rushing to offer out all of his secrets. Of course, that also left Liam with very little space to… He just wanted to… to _ help._

So far, luckily, following those gut feelings of his hadn’t failed Liam yet. 

If the most he could do right now was to offer Nathan comfort, that’s exactly what Liam would do. Based on the way Nathan was still clinging to him, it seemed like Liam was doing an alright job detecting how and when the comfort was welcome and needed. 

Yeah. At least there was that... 

Bulldozing in, to try and fix everything until no pain remained, no matter how attractive that sounded, would probably just do more harm than good.

So, for now, Liam swallowed down his concerned protectiveness. He kept up the slow massaging motion of his hand, up and down along Nathan’s spine and the nape of his bared neck. 

It was hard to say who the touch comforted more. 

Nathan finally fell asleep like that; curled up, nose pressed against Liam’s shirt, and his long legs slightly bent and pressed along Liam’s. He was probably just too exhausted to stay awake, even if his anxiety was trying to force him to keep going. 

Drifting off, he had muttered something about Liam punching him if he made any weird noises while sleeping. Or if he snored, which he wasn’t sure if he did, unless he had a stuffy nose. Either way, Liam should smack at him until he stopped. Which… Liam obviously wasn’t going to do?

The fact that Liam had assured that it would be fine, that he was used to both Kit and Isac rattling like little chainsaws when they slept deeply, hadn’t really done much. Nathan had just grumbled out a quiet: _ “Please, Li...” _ His pouty frown only melting away after Liam had hummed something indistinct, hugging him more snuggly to his chest in distraction.

The most curious thing about that exchange was how, despite his concerns, Nathan slept exactly like he held himself when awake. 

If Liam hadn’t felt the even rise and fall of his chest, it would’ve been impossible to tell if Nathan was even breathing. So still, so quiet, and his upper back only fully relaxing once he entered the proper sleep state. 

In fact, the only time Nathan moved, was when he curled tighter up against Liam, head tucking under Liam’s chin. 

Even when asleep, his purr stayed inaudible. 

-

From Liam: _ Made it here. Sorry for not messaging earlier, wasn’t a good time. Things are ok for now I think. _

From Kits Tits: _ It’s okay, figured that’s why you didn’t text. He’s feeling a bit better? _

From Liam: _ Iz did you mess with Kit’s name on my phone again? _

From Liam: _ And yeah, he’s sleeping now._

From Kitty: _ Ok, that’s good. And you? _

From Kitty: _ Isacs too occupied for a phone atm but I’m sure he did bc he’s a dick _

Liam knew for certain, that Kit wanted to ask everything about what had happened after that distressed phone call. The alpha wasn’t the most patient, especially when facing something like _ this, _so the fact that he was showing any amount of restraint was rather remarkable. The three of them also had an unspoken agreement to, if just possible, talk through the more serious things face to face, rather than through texts.

From Liam: _I'm all good A_

From Liam: _ Does occupied mean that the said dick is stuck on yours? _

From Kitty: _ that is a possibility my dear lime :) _

From Liam: _ Eyy get in!! _

From Kitty: 😎

It wasn’t a surprise that they had ended up reaching for each other after Liam had rushed out. It also wasn’t surprising that it had turned into a more heated sort of comfort. After all, Isac and Kit were both very good at bullying each other into getting turned on. Recently, Kit’s increasingly instinct-driven behaviour had only added to that. 

For a moment, Liam stared at the ceiling, warm and cozy with conked out Nathan snuggled to his side. A nap was slowly starting to sound like a very good idea.

The undisturbed lull of the room barely lasted for five minutes before - very predictably - the phone buzzed again.

From Kitty: _ Iz went to shower _

From Kitty: _ sure everything is ok? Or as ok as … yk _

From Liam: _ I don’t really know what’s going on. He hasn’t said much and I don’t want to stress him out. _

From Liam: _ He was really upset when I first got here. Barely spoke. :( _

From Liam: _ But likes cuddles? _

From Kitty: _ :( wish we could do more _

From Kitty: _ Give him all the cuddles please n thank you _

Liam sighed, shifting his gaze from the phone screen back to Nathan. The omega looked smaller than he actually was, fingers wrapped around Liam’s shirt even in his sleep, the messy locks of his hair tickling Liam’s chin.

It was hard to push aside the active concern that kept building within him, but Liam knew that slow and careful was the best approach. Instead he tried to focus on the heady way the imprint kept settling deeper into his bones. He tried to memorise the sweet hints of Nathan’s scent, and the way he held onto Liam like he worried about being pushed away. 

Liam ended up frowning at that last thought, and carefully adjusted his arm so it was even more securely cradling Nathan’s back. He was a warm, comfortably heavy weight on Liam’s chest, and it was all too easy for Liam to close his eyes, breathing in Nathan’s scent.

He blinked awake to the feeling of the phone buzzing again.

The device had slipped from Liam’s hand at some point, now lodged somewhere between the crook of his arm and the folds of the bunched up duvet. The Husky toy had been knocked on its side, fuzzy, bent paws sticking up where it remained by Nathan’s side. Liam wasn’t sure how much time had passed, but the flat was definitely getting dark. 

Arm in an awkward angle, Liam batted around the mattress to locate the phone. Once his fingers found it, he brought it to his face, squinting against the brightness of the screen. 

From Isac: _ u 2 realise were already mated right ? _

Liam smiled sleepily, movements clumsy as he started to type. His other hand picked up the same unconscious petting motion from before; even, gentle back and forth over Nathan’s back.

From Kitty: _ Yuh!<3 _

From Liam: _ Heyy love! Yes, we’re aware. Why? _

From Isac: _ so u kno u dont have to act like its a miracle everytime i have sex w u idiots ? _

From Kitty: _ but it is a miracle?? Also, were you not just here feelin the miraculousness of this sweet bum of yours? _

From Isac: _ u can literally get it anytime u want tho ?? _

From Isac: _ dont need to hype it like sum bros _

Liam giggled quietly, teeth biting down on his bottom lip to keep the sound in. 

From Liam: _u never kno_ 👊 😔

From Kitty: _bro..._ 👊

From Isac: _ i hate u both i take it back _

From Isac: _ arse privileges revoked _

From Isac: _ limo tell k to stop gropin me, inappropriate ! _

Liam smiled down at the chat, beginning to type out another reply. However, before he was able to finish, Nathan shifted, a quiet sleepy grunt pulling Liam’s attention away from the phone screen. 

Despite the clinging sleepiness, Liam’s focus was eager as it turned on the waking omega. He abandoned the phone on the bed when Nathan’s lashes fluttered, bleary blue eyes blinking open.

“Sleep well?” Liam asked softly, eyes tracking the way Nathan rubbed his cheek against Liam’s chest. Lifting the arm he had kept wrapped around Nathan’s back, Liam moved to rake his fingers through Nathan’s birdnest of a hair.

“Mhm...” Nathan hummed, fingers twitching awake. His knuckles were pressing into the muscle of Liam’s pectoral, the feel of them alone enough to cause a simmer of tentative excitement. Liam felt like a little kid experiencing his first crush… 

He had to bite down on his tongue to hold back the too-obvious adoration, no doubt showing all over his face. The way Nathan straightened his legs out - quiet mewl sneaking past his lips and his whole body trembling with the stretch - was almost too much adorableness for Liam’s mushy heart.

“Wh‘s texting?” Nathan asked through a yawn, knees tucking back up towards his belly, one settling to rest high over Liam’s thigh. 

It was pretty obvious that he wasn’t properly awake yet, the unconscious and uninhibited way he was cuddling closer proved that. 

Nathan was very self-aware and cautious, and although it was often quite subtle behaviour, Liam was starting to recognise it the more he spent time with him. Still, when Liam had arrived to Nathan’s earlier, he hadn’t been sure how he would react to the offered touch. 

Clearly, Liam really hadn’t needed to worry about that. 

Despite that cautiousness, Nathan seemed to crave nothing more than the gentle touch, which Liam was more than happy to share with him. Oh, how he’d looked almost amazed to find himself in Liam’s arms; a blissed out haze, chipping away at the agitation in his eyes. That awed way Nathan stayed curled into Liam’s body was both the sweetest and the most heartbreaking thing Liam had witnessed. Even now, just waking up from the nap, it made the alpha in him grumble unhappily with protectiveness. 

Impatiently, Liam craved for a time when he could unleash all of his feelings. He just wanted to _ show _ Nathan. Every single nice and kind thing? Liam wanted to give them to him.

“Just checking in with Kit and Isac,” Liam said, Nathan’s dark hair tickling his cheek as he spoke. The following reply was a tiny little noise, most of it just heat from Nathan’s breath, which puffed against Liam chest. 

“Feeling a bit better?” Liam hummed softly, hand keeping up the slow up and down between Nathan’s shoulders. 

“Lots,” Nathan sighed out, voice husky and rough from the sleep. He tilted his head upwards to face Liam properly, cheek rubbing against Liam’s shirt as he did. How was Nathan so effortlessly sweet? Did he have any idea what he was doing to Liam? Fuckin’ hell... “Thank you,” Nathan said after a while. “Really. You- you didn’t have to and... yeah. Just. Thank you.”

See? Too sweet...

“Don’t need to thank me, silly. I want to be here.” Liam felt like it was important to state that out loud and clearly. He’d say it every day if it meant that Nathan would be able to lose that insecure doubt from his voice. _ ‘Didn’t have to’? _ Gosh, as if that had anything to do with anything! “Even get to cuddle a cute boy, don’t I? Wouldn’t miss out on that for anything.”

Nathan huffed, the sound embarrassed and a bit grumbly, but Liam could peek the small, held back smile on his flushing face. _ Hngh. _

A short silence followed after that, and for a moment Liam thought Nathan had fallen back asleep. He shifted just then, though, the arm on Liam’s chest pushing a bit higher, the rest of him following bravely. Nathan turned until he was resting more on his front rather than his side, and carefully settled his chin over Liam’s pec, nervous eyes looking up.

“Liam?” he voiced quietly. Liam’s hands automatically found their way behind Nathan’s back, settling onto the dip of his spine. 

“Yeah?” 

Dark lashes covered the blue of Nathan’s eyes for a second, but he tried again, blinking to look back up, meeting Liam’s gaze. The silence still stretched, Nathan seeming to really struggle with his words. Something sharp and citrusy kept seeping into his scent. 

Liam ran one of his hands up along Nathan’s back and shoulder. He brushed his fingers gently over the curve of Nathan’s ear, causing a shiver that trembled through his whole body. Instead of moving away from the touch, Nathan tilted his head against Liam’s palm, eyes closing blissfully when Liam stroked his hair, pushing the messy fringe up from his face. 

_ What an absolute darling_, Liam thought helplessly, heart aching with it. He watched as Nathan sighed, idly playing with Liam’s shirt, the fabric tightly held in between his long fingers.

“I think I’ve like… like, y’know?” Nathan started, only to stop again. He swallowed, a frustrated gush of air rushing through his nose at the words escaping him. Jaw setting, he continued, a little more firmly, “I’ve _ imprinted.._. On, on your- on Kit, too?”

Liam blinked. Oh_. _

_ Oh. _

“That’s…” Nathan just said_ ‘too’_, right? He really said that? 

Suddenly Liam’s chest was trying to puff out as if he was still some bloody kid. 

He breathed in heavily, promising himself to revisit_ that _ a bit later. “The other day after the fair?” 

Nathan frowned, and then shook his head, “No, um… Way before, I think? Before we- you and I, met? But I only realised it when I saw him now, at the campus.”

“You- you didn’t know you had imprinted?” Liam said, bewildered confusion lifting his brows high.

Nathan shook his head again, licking his lips nervously. 

“I got sick right after. Like, a small cold? I guess I just thought it was something to do with that?” Nathan said, a frown still sitting heavy on his brows, a thoughtful wrinkle pressing in between them. “But I’ve just been feeling worse, since then. Like, in my head… and, I mean, I always feel kind of - not brilliant?” He huffed out a dismissive and humourless laugh, fingers twitching where they were pressed against Liam’s chest. “But… I’ve been trying to figure out why I feel shittier than usual. I can handle the normal amount, ‘cause it’s- normal, y’know? But, yeah… I’m… I didn’t… I’m sorry?”

There was clearly a lot more going on underneath the stilted and tense explanation, but the main perplexing thing that stood out to Liam was the, “_ Sorry? _”

God, it made so much sense that Nathan would’ve been feeling bad. His instincts must’ve been going just as haywire as Kit’s… In contrast, Liam himself was doing rather okay; he had been hanging out with Nathan on the regular, after all. That alone was keeping the steadily deepening imprint manageable. His hadn’t even been a scent-based one... Oh, sweet thing, this was a right mess.

“Love… Why’d you be sorry? Is it… Are you- uncomfortable with it? With, with this?” Liam asked, voice coming out rough and his heart suddenly picking up speed. Liam knew this was something they needed to talk about but… If only it was possible to just _ know. _

The tentative yet positive way, in which Nathan had been responding to Liam, was giving him a right kick to something so deeply primal. It was stupid, really, how hopeful Liam got from these small interactions and observations. But... The fact that Nathan had called out for him from the midst of his anxiety attack? That. _ That _ was something else.

And, come to think of it, this was twice now? 

Distinctively two very different kinds of calls, but Liam didn’t know which was boosting his inner alpha more. One had been a very instinctual, very uncontrolled omegan call for comfort, whereas today had been an actual _ decision _to reach out. Of course, no matter their gravity, Liam would rather these instances had never happened in the first place. He hated the idea of anyone in pain and distress, but when it was one of his om- 

Fuckin’ hell...

_ Cool it, _ Liam told himself sternly. 

Being this close to Nathan, drowning in his scent, was definitely getting in his head.

“‘m not uncomfortable...” Nathan said then, voice small and eyes avoidant. His fingertips were following the seam of Liam’s shirt, his scent spiking a little with nerves, but- he _ wasn’t moving away_. 

That helped Liam stay somewhat relaxed, even after Nathan fell silent again. 

Liam was cautious to hope that any of this could mean that Nathan’s imprint also matched Nathan’s thoughts and feelings. The biological match and drive could say whatever it wanted, but if the attraction wasn’t there on an emotional level… Well. There wasn’t much anyone could do about that.

On top of dealing with that general uncertainty, there was also Kit, who was turning into a more sensitive and broody mess with each passing day... 

The alpha was getting increasingly possessive and rough with Liam, not unlike he was when nearing his rut. _ Liam _ was actually more than happy to go along with it, never one to turn down the opportunity to have a little play-wrestle with his mate. It was a legit workout, and biting him was hilarious, because - no matter how Kit denied it - he squealed like a tiny piglet sometimes. 

Isac, on the other hand, was getting a tad frustrated with the way Kit wanted to keep pinning him. The poor lad’s neck and chest were looking more bitten than they probably ever had before, and although Isac welcomed all of it... 

Well, he was still _ Isac_. 

He had his limits for sitting still, and those limits were way off with what Kit’s instinct-driven hindbrain demanded at the moment. Even on a good day, Kit and Liam were easily the more cuddly ones compared to the more restless Isac. Unfortunately, no amount of orgasms were able to wrangle Isac into submitting to the endless hours of being squished under a pouty, wistful alpha. 

The three of them could deal with it together, but Nathan… It was just that… Well. Liam wasn’t really sure if there was someone who Nathan could turn to, for something like this? At least it didn’t seem like it, and today had just confirmed that suspicion some more.

To be distanced from an imprint was a very different experience for an omega, than what it was for the alphas. Instead of becoming increasingly possessive, rowdy, and pushy, the omegas often started to feel abandoned and unsafe, and… 

Suddenly some of Nathan’s jumpiness made a lot more sense? 

Not all of it, but definitely some of it. 

Nathan shrugged, still pinching the fabric of Liam’s shirt. He kept looking down, crimson dots rising onto the tops of his cheekbones. Even from this angle, Liam could tell that his eyes looked a little damp.

Without any conscious thought, the sight of that was enough to have Liam’s stupid mouth blurting out, “I really like you.”

Oh…

Oh _ dear_.

Fuck.

“I… Um. I...” Nathan’s jaw was slack and his fingers finally still against Liam’s shirt. Fuck. Oh, gosh, _ no_. Nathan’s eyes looked even more watery than before.

Had Liam really gone and mucked this up, now? The smallest hint of tears and Liam’s dumb idiot brain stopped functioning right away, scrambling to do anything to - 

“I- Yeah. Um. Me, too?” 

Liam _ stared_. 

Okay. Alright. 

Good.

This was good. Great? Yes.

“Yeah?” Liam squeaked, too eagerly. ‘Squeak’ was the only word to describe the ridiculous way his voice cracked. 

Liam couldn’t even focus on how horribly embarrassing that was, because _ holy shit! _

Nathan’s nose wrinkled, a small amused smile hiding against the back of his own palm, half mushed into Liam’s chest. 

“Yeah,” Nathan said. He was glancing up at Liam, eyes still shining, but it wasn’t as alarming now. “I wanted to- I wasn’t sure, so I...” He frowned a little, clearly frustrated, and then the smile was slipping away. Liam watched it go sorrowfully. “I promise ‘m not, like, uncomfortable? Just… It’s new. Like,_ really _new. I’m just- nervous, I guess. Don’t really know what I’m doing?”

“That’s okay,” Liam said, heart hammering in his chest. Was Nathan able to feel it? Fuck, Liam’s face felt a bit warm and he was holding back an excited- _ something? _ A wriggle? A fist pump? Whatever it was, it confirmed exactly how lame and gushy Liam was. Isac would have a field day teasing him. “I’m nervous, too,” Liam admitted truthfully, hoping it would make Nathan feel less so, hearing that.

Just as Nathan opened his mouth to reply, Liam’s phone signaled an incoming text, the screen flashing on. 

Then the phone buzzed again.

And again.

Nathan shifted, curiously peering at the phone, while Liam scowled down at it. 

He was about to tell Nathan to ignore it for now, their conversation _ a lot _ more important. Nathan had other plans, however, and he grabbed the phone, pushing it in Liam’s face. 

His eyebrows lifted, pointed and surprisingly demanding, when Liam didn’t react immediately.

Liam pouted in response - just to see the tiniest uptick of Nathan’s mouth - and then dutifully swiped to open the messages. As if he’d ever have the willpower to disagree with a face like that...

There was already a text waiting from before,

From Kitty: _ liar!! I’m the gentlest man! _

Just now, three more had been added to the chat:

From Kitty: _ Lim is your game tomorrow or the day after? _

From Kitty: _ I need the car tmrw but I can drop you off at the club _

From Kitty: _ Wait no. It’s an away game? I’ll take you to the bus then _

“Are they waiting for you to come home?” Nathan asked. He had been watching Liam quietly for a moment, a concerned frown rising on his forehead. 

He looked both confused and frustrated about something, so Liam exited the chat and closed the phone. He’d talk to Kit later.

Nathan squirmed to lean up on his arms, one elbow down on the mattress, while the forearm of his other pressed across Liam’s chest. His fingers, even now, didn’t let go of Liam’s shirt. 

“If they are, maybe you should- Like, you don’t have to worry about...” It was rather adorable, the awkward way Nathan tried to tell Liam that he should go, without wanting to actually say that Liam should _ leave. _“I just mean- Like… Because-”

Before Nathan was able to work himself up over something that really wasn’t worth getting worked up for, Liam nudged his fingers under Nathan’s chin, gently taking hold.

Nathan’s words quieted with a hitching intake of air.

For a short moment, Liam looked for any signs of discomfort caused by the touch. Nathan merely remained as his messy haired, pink cheeked self, peering through his lashes. His scent was sleepy and content, the most relaxed Liam had witnessed it. And oh, if that wasn’t making the alpha in him pleased. 

“There’s no plans for today,” Liam said, rubbing his thumb along the cut of Nathan’s jaw, “I can stay as long as you’ll have me.” He’d hate to leave so soon, but Liam would, if Nathan needed that. “Could hang out here some more, or go out for a bit. Grab a bite? Or we can go to mine. Really, whatever you feel like, yeah?”

A strong blush was deepening on Nathan’s cheeks. It was a precious look on him, and based on the way Nathan’s eyes swooped down, Liam’s dimples agreed. 

“So... Are Isac and Kit home? At yours, I mean?” Nathan asked, gaze lingering low. He was leaning on Liam’s hold like a little kitten, very bravely enjoying the touch that was making him burn up so visibly. The way Nathan watched Liam’s mouth wasn’t making this very easy, either.

“Yeah,” Liam said, having to pause to clear his throat, after. It was suddenly hitting him that Nathan was, quite literally, sprawled right on top of him. Nathan, who _ liked him_? Nathan, who was content with the way Liam was gently holding him in place, the inaudible purr minimal, but there nonetheless. Liam wetted his lips, dazedly watching how Nathan followed the path of his tongue, and- Liam had to force himself to continue, “They’re probably just going to make dinner and play some _ Mario Kart._”

The sound of his voice caused Nathan’s eyes to snap back up. 

Liam smiled at him, a lopsided thing while his fingertips pet the soft underside of Nathan’s chin. He could feel it when Nathan swallowed. “Um... Could we- would it be okay if we went to- to yours, then?” 

And… 

What?

Liam found himself stunned, staring at Nathan a few silent moments too long, the meaning of the words struggling to register. 

Somehow, even though he had just suggested it himself, Liam really hadn’t been expecting- well, _ it? _

The surprised pause was enough to have Nathan backtracking, “I- I mean, it’s fine if you guys just want to, like, relax? Together. Just you, I mean. I didn’t- You don’t have to -”

“No!” Liam rushed to cut in, halting Nathan’s flustered and increasingly tensing words. Liam felt rather flustered himself, neck feeling too warm as he added in a calmer tone, “No, of course, that’s... Of course we can go.” Liam nodded, to support his words and to clear his muddled head, “We can just have a chill night, watch a movie and eat, or summat?” 

The way Nathan had started to lean away, head ducking against Liam’s hold, quickly came to a stop. He eyed Liam through his lashes again, watching the dumb smile that was very intent on spreading onto Liam’s face. 

After a short, halted moment, he clearly found what he was looking for. Carefully, Nathan nuzzled back against Liam’s palm.

Oh… Ruthless, wasn’t he? 

Absolutely ruthless. Liam actually had to bite back a definitely too embarrassing whine, that’s how completely gone he already was for this boy. There was no way Nathan understood how wrapped around his little finger Liam truly was. 

Liam wasn’t caught up with the depth and intensity of all this himself, not to mention the wreckage the ever growing imprint was leaving behind... They hadn’t even talked about most of it yet! _ Fuck’s sake… _ The whole thing was a bit devastating. 

“Okay, that’s- Yeah,” Nathan said, voice unsure. His words were still clear.

It was Liam’s turn to take a good, careful look at Nathan’s expression, trying to gauge the situation there. He urged Nathan’s chin upwards, ever so slightly. 

Liam paused the slow, gentle stroking he’d been doing with his fingers, not wanting to cause any distraction. He wanted to make sure that Nathan was, in fact, sure, even though Liam already trusted his judgement. He was easily anxious, yes, but that didn’t mean Nathan didn’t know what he wanted. 

Liam knew very well how it was to hang out and be vulnerable with just one person; facing a whole pack was something else completely, no matter how familiar some of the people were. However, Liam was starting to recognise the quiet confidence Nathan had, even if his delivery was rather timid at times.

That was when Nathan, probably for the first time since Liam had met him, suddenly met Liam’s eyes head on. A tiny nod of wordless confirmation pushed against Liam’s hold. 

Nathan looked nervous. Maybe almost scared, even. Yet Liam didn’t find any doubt in his eyes. 

Only silent determination... followed by a petulantly demanding nudge on Liam’s hand, urging him to pick up the petting strokes again.

_ Oh dear, indeed. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> / Nathan is a snugglebug #confirmed / Gotta love our awkward dumb bois / Liam issa mess too, he just looks like the calm one hah soz Lim / I'm going to break the format and Kit's chapter is going to be up next ;) /
> 
> Let me know if the emojis don't show in the texts, I'll come up with something if they don't work.
> 
> -  
Should've remembered to point this out forever ago!: Isac’s name is meant to be pronounced with the ‘I’ like in k[i]tty. Not Eye-sac or Eye-z / Eye-zy (Iz / Izzy). Some of my nicknames for him (like Kit calling him Iz-biz) probably make more sense when the pronunciation is correct. Buttt if you're already solid with some other pronunciation, that's coolio. :) Isac doesn't care, as long as you're talking about him lol!   
-
> 
> Thank you<3
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oi, u guys ready for some instinct talk?? Like. Some 9K of it…👀 (Which makes this series reach 100K altogether... Eep.) 
> 
> Kit only has one functioning brain cell left at this point and its running on pure primal-power lolll. 
> 
> xx

KIT

Kit was... worried. 

Okay. He had really tried his best to keep this whole mess under wraps but… Shit, man. It was not going well.

Kit knew that Liam was a goner. Like, no questions about that. And Isac was probably even more so, even though he wasn’t as obvious with his feelings. Verbally, at least. Isac’s interest and increasing fondness shone through from the way he talked about Nathan, or from how he had been when _ with _ Nathan, so doting and soft.

Kit worried they were already in too deep- which was wonderful, truly! But… They still hadn’t had the chance to fully make sure that all the pieces fit the puzzle. 

The issue and question wasn’t if Kit would like Nathan. He already did, however reckless and risky of him that might’ve been. Even just mostly based on his mates’ words and reactions alone, spurred by the devastating depth of the scent imprint, Kit couldn’t _ not _ like Nathan. What was there to dislike? On top of that, Kit loved to see Isac and Liam like this, so keen and excited, like eager little school boys. 

But... What if Nathan wouldn’t like _ him? _

No. Okay, just... like, listen! 

Okay? Okay...

Kit knew he wasn’t like- _ horrible_, or anything. Most of the time, he was okay with the way he was. Y’know, trying to do the best he could with what he had, and always aiming to learn from shit and become better. Kit was confident, sometimes maybe a bit too confident, sure, but he wasn’t an arsehole about it. His _ pack _ liked him, and Kit really, really respected Isac and Liam’s opinions, so… He couldn’t be that horrible? Like, he had friends and stuff? 

Right. 

Was this how one’s self-esteem deteriorating sounded like? 

Fucking biology… Why hadn’t they evolved past this, already? C’mon, who'd thought it was a good idea to slap such strong instincts on people that it’d make them feel like they were losing their whole damn identities? 

Kit’d literally had no clue it could get this bad, the scent imprint. Of course, it didn’t help that their flat kept getting lingering traces of Nathan’s scent every time Liam or Isac had been with him. Kit felt more and more creepy about it every time he realised he was tracking a ghost in his own living room… He barely knew the guy! 

But he just couldn’t bloody help it. 

If Kit had been in this solo, with no pack and no mates, someone rejecting him would’ve been only his heartbreak to deal with. But this... 

Kit just hoped they hadn’t read this all wrong. He hoped _ he _hadn’t read this all wrong.

There was just no escaping the fact that Nathan had reacted pretty damn badly to meeting Kit. Sure, he’d clearly been in a poor way to begin with, but Kit couldn’t shake the memory of the nervous agitation that had spiked Nathan’s scent when they had met outside the fair. 

It was hard to tell what had happened. It felt quite... extreme. Nathan’s reaction, that is. Like… If it was just based on looks? Because. Well. Kit knew that not everyone appreciated tattoos, for example, and he had maybe ten too many by now. But... that just didn’t feel right. Kit knew he wasn’t the worst looking person out there. In fact, Isac would beat his arse for even entertaining the idea of not being attractive enough for Nathan, and Liam would just look sad, and maybe a bit long sufferingly disappointed… But what was he supposed to think?!

The omega Kit - instinctually and emotionally - wanted to date, had literally _ ran away _ upon meeting him. 

A monster. 

That’s it. Kit was a monster. A no good, stupid, disgusting monster. 

He should just quit everything now. Give up, lie face down on the ground, and wait for the end of time. No point in trying. He’d ruined it all, just by being him.

“Kit. I will literally have Liam scissor-kick you out of this house, if you don’t get your shit together,” Isac said, too calmly to not take the threat seriously. “Let me up. Right fucking now. Immediately.” The words were followed by sharp little teeth digging into Kit’s upper arm.

“No,” Kit said. 

“I will fuck you up,” Isac hissed, squirming. Or he tried to, because he wasn’t really able to move an inch. His bare skin was so soft and still warm after his shower, and Kit kind of just held on tighter the more Isac wriggled. “I’m so serious, you have no idea. Fucking... move!”

“No,” Kit said. Whined. Whatever.

Isac growled. Kit growled back, and then pressed his face tighter against Isac’s throat.

He smelled so nice, too. Like Kit’s. Like Liam’s. Theirs. A calming mixture of home and togetherness. And this cruel beast was trying to rob Kit of that. 

“Please, Iz,” Kit pleaded, voice softening into a genuine pitiful desperation. He wasn’t proud of it, but he also wasn’t in control of it either. Which, y’know, was exactly why he wasn’t proud of it. Kit hated feeling like his own body was one step ahead, his control just a thin veil where there usually was a solid foundation. “Just… Ten minutes? Please?”

“Bitch, why are you using that voice on me?” Isac groaned loudly, flopping bonelessly to lay back on the mattress, finally pausing his squirming. “You know I can’t resist your whiny arse when you sound like that! D’you think I’m freezing my tits off here, all starkers, just for fun? No! It’s because you did that- that thing! And it’s manipulative!”

“‘m keeping you warm...” Kit protested, stupidly relieved by the lack of resistance. He was happily pressing against Isac’s relaxed body, before reminding him hopefully, “You love me.”

“I do, and that’s why I’m going to make sure it hurts when I punch you, you cunt!”

“So violent,” Kit tutted, unable to keep the hints of amusement out of his voice. Isac could be so… bitey. It was fucking adorable. “And that didn’t even make sense.”

“Sure did. Move!” Isac wriggled his arms around Kit’s back, and with some new gusto, dug in with his fingertips. Which… Didn’t really do much because Kit was wearing a hoodie, and Isac was pretty tiny compared to him, so...

“No,” Kit said.

Gosh, this was ridiculous. It had _ been _ ridiculous, and now it was just fucking stupid. Kit just wanted to feel like a normal person again. Not this- this… One-track brained caveman, who couldn’t help but act on all of his impulses.

Isac smacked Kit’s back, growled into his ear, and then arched his back the best he could while being squished under most of Kit’s body, kneeing him in the ribs while doing so. 

With a grunt, Kit just dropped his jaws open, and bit down on Isac’s naked shoulder. 

“Fine!” Isac huffed crankily, finally. He threw his arms up onto the pillows, and...

Kit could tell he was really getting frustrated. Like, _ really. _Not just banter, not just biting words to rile Kit up, but really.

This wasn’t the first time they’d been in this same exact situation. Hell! It wasn’t even the first time today!

It was such shit, honestly… Kit really felt like he couldn’t… He needed to… He couldn’t let his omega _ leave. _ Kit was keeping him safe. How was he supposed to keep his mate safe if he was out there, all on his own? What if someone would try to take him? It was Kit’s job to make sure that didn’t happen! 

And, ugh, yes! Kit knew it was lame. Well, most obviously it was the primal side of his brain talking, but it was also definitely lame. And it was starting to go way too far, especially these past couple of days. It was as if after the way Nathan had reacted kind of negatively, Kit's protective and possessive instincts had really kicked up yet another notch. 

Kit had literally snarled at _ Liam _ for kissing Isac, yesterday… Like? Was his rational brain even intact, at this point? What next? Kit’s stupid alpha getting confrontational and pissed at Liam for shagging Iz? Yeah… That sounded just _ great _ for their pack bonds. 

It had never been an issue before. They had always worked so well together. It was devastating to Kit, and the fact that Liam had comforted _ him, _was just… Fuck. 

Kit hated this.

Usually, he’d love and cherish the gestures of consensual submission from his mates. It was what kept their dynamics standing strong; those signals coming instinctually to them all, depending on the situation they were in. Sometimes it was playful, sometimes soothing. 

But having Liam bare his throat to make Kit feel better like that? After _ Kit _ had messed up? 

Kit bit back a whine. 

He didn’t want to guilt Isac, or make him angry. Kit knew damn well that this was too much, even if it was hard to make his body agree. Still, somehow, Kit rolled to his side, releasing Isac from where he’d had him trapped under him and against the bed. 

It actually felt like physical pain, and Kit dug his fingers into the sheets, trying to ignore the empty, yet painfully heavy pressure in his chest.

This was insane.

“Kitty...” Isac sighed, revealing that Kit really wasn’t able to hide any of this anymore. In the beginning he’d been fine... Seriously, he had been. Kind of. And, well… Now he just felt like throwing up and crying his eyes out. “I didn’t mean to snap, ‘m sorry. I know you’re feeling down.”

“Not down. It’s fine,” Kit lied stiltedly, jaws working as he tried to stop himself from reaching out. He wasn’t really sure why he lied, it was so obvious, but it was probably an instinct to seem like everything was under control. Kit was just a mess, so... It was hard to tell why he did anything at all at this point. 

Yeah. There was that, too. 

Isac scoffed at his words. He sighed, after, and then all but tackled Kit, landing on his chest with pure determination and sharp elbows. 

The relief the contact brought was instant.

So, of course Kit felt bad for feeling that way. He knew he was being... too much. No one could expect anyone to tolerate this sort of crap. Even Kit couldn’t tolerate it! He just couldn’t walk away.

“If you weren’t so poorly, I’d fight you right now,” Isac informed. He scowled down at Kit, a concerned wrinkle settling in between his brows, before he brought his hands up to cup Kit’s face. Isac always wanted to fight Kit, he was a menace like that, and it was kind of his thing. A lot of energy in a small package, and Kit suspected that it really just turned Isac on to climb his alphas like they were his personal jungle gyms, so… It wasn’t like it was a hardship to indulge the pest in that regard. “We really need to figure this out soon, though. It’s getting out of hand, and I’m not going to watch you suffer. Even if it’s out of your stupid chivalry.”

“It’s not stupid,” Kit grumbled with a pout, nuzzling into Isac’s palm and peering up at him through his lashes. He knew that Isac didn’t really think it was stupid to give Nathan some time and space. But it was understandable that he’d get concerned.

“No,” Isac said, predictably, “but it’s not good for you. I know none of us wants to, but we need to either have a chat with Nathan, soon, or we make sure the imprint breaks.”

Kit wasn’t proud of the hurt sound his throat pushed out. 

Like an injured fucking dog.

Pathetic. And creepily excessive. Why couldn’t he just handle things without making this kind of massive fuss?

Kit tried to deflect, act like the sound had never happened, but all hopes of that quickly flew out the window. Isac was already responding with a soft purr, even softer fingers petting over Kit’s temples. The look in his grey eyes revealed that he was hurting _ for Kit. _

Kit really was a failure of a man, wasn’t he? 

Not just as a man, but an alpha, too. Couldn’t even keep his significant other out of his own messes… Fuckin’ bollocks. 

“I don’t want to rush him,” Kit said, kind of having to force the words out through his grinding teeth. “And what’d we even say, if he really hasn’t figured any of this out at this point? It’s still so bloody creepy that I’m literally losing my mind over here, when we haven’t talked properly! He didn’t even know I _ exist_, just a few days ago, and I’m literally dying for- for- just! Him! All of him. And we only just met, like, for real! What the hell!?”

Isac rolled his eyes, but then leaned down to drop a soft kiss on Kit’s still protruding bottom lip. He was used to Kit’s dramatics, and most of the time knew how to read the true sore spots hiding behind the front. “Dude, this is what everyone with a scent imprint goes through... I get that it feels creepy, but- ”

“If you say ‘_it’s completely healthy and normal_’, like some sex-ed leaflet, I’m going to- to- ”

“Lay on top of me for another three hours..?”

“Exactly! Thank you, nurse!” 

Isac shook his head, somehow managing to simultaneously look so done and so fond that it was actually impressive. He moved his hands from Kit’s cheeks to his hair, fingers knotting into the longer curls on top. Isac’s purr was sweet and constant as he nudged Kit into tilting his head back; a gesture only a bonded omega would risk trying with such boldness. 

He leaned in to mouth over the cut of Kit’s jaw, his tongue a hot press against Kit’s skin as his omega came out to soothe the more primal edges of Kit’s instincts. It was a very naturally submissive, very powerful move; not unlike a canine beast licking the lips and chops of the more dominant animal.

It felt good, too good, maybe, to have Isac give control over to Kit in this way. He was using Kit’s alpha as a way to trick and calm down the brain chemistry, the body, the mind... 

It probably wasn’t all due to Isac being so intuitive and smart, either, but also because of the natural reactions that got triggered in both of them. It was a language that lived beneath the surface, the invisible and undetectable pheromones and subconscious tells in the body language. It was all built to keep the balance, the push and pull of their biologies working together. Isac offering up the control to Kit, no matter how symbolically and on the instinctual level it happened, helped. It made Kit feel like he had _ a purpose. _ Like he had a solid ground to stand on. _ This _ he knew. _ This _ he recognised. 

It soothed his stressed out and unsettled instincts like nothing else.

The fact that Isac hadn’t really gotten the chance to throw any clothes on before Kit had ambushed him earlier, just illustrated and boosted that dynamic, allowing the alpha in him to feel even more in charge… 

Now, _ that _ was one thing Kit could agree on with his stupid caveman brain. Well. Not the _ in charge _ part, necessarily - they all knew who actually ran this whole operation here... - but the nakey part? That was well mint. 

Isac worked his way up, fingers scratching Kit’s scalp in the best way, and Kit sighed when Isac licked over the corner of his mouth. Isac kept scenting him almost aggressively too, nuzzling against the side of Kit’s face and every now and then pausing to nip his jaw. 

After a while, Isac wormed his way under the collar of Kit’s hoodie, kneading his palms and wrists over the scent glands on the dips of Kit’s shoulders, and his purr was trembling against Kit’s chest.

He was being so sweet, so soft and all bared for Kit. And... 

Even though Kit knew he should actually be apologising to Isac for being and reacting so- out of proportion? Overly sensitive? Pathetically? Well, no matter how his reaction should’ve been described, it was out of hand and so unnecessary that it was embarrassing. Kit knew he should just get a grip, not get all worked up and excited just because his mate was being all nice and pretty and submissive and naked and... 

“Careful,” Kit said, voice dropped low and his mouth wet and hot in the aftermath of yet another dirty kiss. “You’re going to end up back on the knot if you keep that up.”

“Who says that’s not my goal here, arsehole?” Isac goaded. His purr always sounded too innocent in comparison to his mean and prickly sort of affection. He seemed intent on using every dirty trick in the books, too, and the next thing Kit knew, Isac was purposefully scenting out _ lust _ and _ heat _ and _ please_... 

With a growl, Kit dug his fingertips deeper into the softness of Isac’s hips.

“Don’t tempt me, you prick,” Kit insulted back, and then kissed down along Isac’s neck to mouth on his scent gland. 

He was getting so lost into the fusion of _ taste scent mate mine _that when the phone buzzed on the mattress next to them, Kit snarled.

“Chill,” Isac snorted. He was amused, yet his voice had that specific soft lilt to it that only appeared when he was getting a bit doped up on scenting. He lifted up to his elbows, one brow ticking up questioningly, even as his breath stuttered from the way Kit palmed over the arch of his back. “So? Does that mean you wanna ignore it, or?”

“No, check it,” Kit said, surprisingly easily, considering his initial knee jerk reaction to the interruption. On the other hand, it was very understandable, because; “Could be Liam again.”

Isac hummed, picking up the phone. Kit was more focused on sucking yet another bruise on Isac’s collarbones, while massaging his hands over the soft curve of his bum. 

What? Kit was clear headed enough to make sure they answered if Liam needed them, but he was still just a man. 

“They're coming over?” Isac read out loud in a questioning tone. 

He somehow squirmed from Kit’s hold, suddenly sitting up on his hips. The phone was held close to his face, as if he didn’t want to miss whatever he was seeing on the screen.

Kit stilled, blinking stupidly. 

He suddenly felt cold now, without Isac’s whole body on him, but also...

“What?” Kit asked. He sat up as well, sharply, and then had to rush to curl an arm behind Isac’s back to stop him from toppling over. “When?”

“Now?” Isac said, holding onto Kit’s shoulder with one hand, while frowning down at the phone. “Like, now-now. Literally now. They’re in the car.”

“Wh- But- ” Kit tried to say, except his brain wasn’t really comprehending this new information? The only thing he could put together in the end was; “Iz, clothes! Fuck, you gotta get dressed!”

“And who’s fault is that?” Isac said with a huff, chucking the phone back on the bed. Kit tried to poke him, to have him get ready, but it was all ignored. “I think I’ll just stay like this. ‘m sure Nathan wouldn’t say anything.”

“Of course he wouldn’t say anything!” Kit exclaimed, frowning in reprimand. Which was also when he decided to give up on trying to herd Isac up. 

Instead, Kit flipped him onto the mattress, got up himself, and then just pulled Isac to the edge by his bony ankle.

“I will end you,” Isac said sweetly, feet dangling towards the floor now, the sheets messy and all bunched up under his back, “with my own two hands. I swear, I’ll end you.”

“Sure,” Kit agreed easily. 

And then he had to chase Isac, because the imp was suddenly up and dashing out the room, still naked as ever.

If Kit had still had a brain cell that was functioning normally, he’d have realised far quicker that Isac was just messing with him... There was no way he’d have risked any of this with Nathan - as in, risked making Nathan in _ any _ way uncomfortable - just to pull a prank. 

Still, just to make sure, and maybe to get his hands on Isac a little bit more, Kit cornered him. By the time they heard the door, Kit had managed to wrestle Isac into something that was more socially acceptable, and not so traumatising to unsuspecting visitors.

Well. At least not _ as _traumatising as the suggested alternative had been...

When Kit himself made it to the front door, Isac was still barefoot, but his toes were barely reaching the floor with the way he had already thrown himself at Nathan.

“Ah! H-hi!” Nathan grunted out, arms automatically wrapping behind Isac’s back to hold him up. He looked startled by the attack, but in no way unhappy about it. Especially after Isac said something too quiet to hear against his ear, Nathan seemed to relax even further. “Yeah. Yeah, me too. And, um, ‘m really sorry… For, like, disappearing on you.”

Isac just shook his head, happily nuzzled against the side of Nathan’s, and Kit’s heart died a little at the sight of the two of them. 

Oh. 

And then? 

Then the scent hit Kit. 

Which was fun. 

Y’know. If almost leaving one’s body and handing the wheel over to a possessive and posturing knothead wanker, could be considered fun. Kit’s mouth was actually salivating, for fuck’s sake!

Just. Like. Fucking yikes? 

The scent was both helping and making things worse... Being able to scent Nathan, having him in _ Kit’s home, _was definitely smoothing some of the sharp edges of the sore and stretched imprint. But he was still so- far away? Like a- like a prize! Or a toy... a treat? Tangled just out of reach! 

It was infuriating. 

Kit felt stuck in between the prowling alphan nature, that couldn’t understand why he wasn’t just crowding this omega against the wall, while the actual rational side of him knew that those instincts were being way too raunchy. Like, whoo, boy! No chill. At all. 

It was certain then. Kit was going feral. Like some- some _ lowlife _ with no sense of respect!

Disgusting, he was. 

“Hi, Kit,” Nathan greeted, his careful voice cutting through Kit’s self-hating spiral. Nathan peered over Isac’s shoulder with a nervous look to his blue eyes, clearly intent on making Kit’s life even harder than it already was, looking like that... “Um. I hope it’s ok we… Well, that _ I _came over..?”

He seemed like he was about to continue, but Liam cut in before he could, “It’s definitely ok. I told you, yeah?”

“Yeah… I just...” Nathan looked down, kind of awkwardly, especially with the way he was still holding onto Isac. Who, by the way, looked like he had no plans of letting go. And oh how Kit had had to fight for his measly three hours of cuddles… 

Rude.

Ugh, fine. It wasn’t actually _ rude_, per se, because it was so completely different situation, but… Kit was allowed to be a baby about it. He was the one suffering here!

Then, just as Kit was in the process of mentally reeling in his scent-conked inner alpha, Nathan decided to peek up at _ him. _Again.

Like? With his devastating doe eyes, all questioning and anxious? 

“Definitely fine,” Kit’s mouth said, immediately.

Which was absolutely true. But it was also a pure miracle that he sounded only a little bit like he was choking on the words. Kit was very lucky he didn’t have to say anything else. The shy smile that visited Nathan’s face would’ve probably just destroyed Kit’s vocal chords.

“Right,” Liam said, eyeing Kit with a mixture of amusement and careful watchfulness. The caution in his gaze was enough to help Kit shake at least some of the stupid from his brain. “It’s raining pretty bad, so I think we should change before we catch something.” Starting to shrug his coat off, Liam said to Nathan, “You can borrow whatever you can find. If, well, if you’re all good with borrowing, I mean?” 

The floor was, in fact, wet and dirty from the muck that had come in from outside. Icy water spreading under where Liam and Nathan were standing. 

They weren’t horribly soaked, just damp from when they had to get from the car to the building. Still, Kit wasn’t sure if it was too expectant to offer an omega to wear their pack scent at this point, but Liam didn’t seem too worried by it…

Nathan’s easy answer was probably why; “No, I’m- I’m fine with that. Maybe just a… jumper? Or a hoodie? Please.”

_ Please. _

Ugh. So polite, too. This was horrible. A legit heartbreak waiting to happen. A death-fucking-wish.

Meanwhile, Isac was pulling a grossed out face as he glared at the wet floor, trying to balance with Nathan’s body as his support.

Kit sighed.

“Let them in, you dickhead,” he said, voice probably way too fond and adoring to be in any way acceptable in Isac’s books. 

Predictably, Isac turned his scowl at Kit, but he allowed Kit to wrap an arm around his waist without a fuss. It felt very risky to get so close to Nathan, but at least lifting Isac away from the icy wet floorboards was easy, even with just one arm. 

Kit dropped a kiss on Isac’s cheek once he was standing on his own two feet by the kitchen doorway. And… Well. Isac was clearly allowing Kit to do that just to entertain him, because the moment he was free to go, Isac was making demanding grabby hands at Nathan.

“Let’s go find something dry for you to wear,” Isac said, bouncing on his toes as he waited impatiently for Liam and Nathan to get rid of their shoes and jackets. “I have some stuff that should fit you too. I mean, they were Kit’s or Liam’s for like two seconds before they gave them to me, so. Something should fit!”

“Using ‘_gave_’ a bit liberally there, love,” Kit said, his voice still too rumbly and low, but at least he managed something… Normal-ish. 

Isac ignored him, and while Nathan seemed vaguely amused by the interaction, he was also quickly distracted by Isac’s hand that was already reaching out for him.

And, like… Kit actually got to watch this boy blush and duck his head just because he got to hold hands with Kit’s omega? Fuckin’ hell. 

Even Liam looked like he could barely contain himself, the calm and collected exterior of his vanishing the second the omegas’ attention allowed him to slip closer to Kit from the entryway.

And, once Isac had started to pull Nathan towards the bedroom, Liam was instantly rushing Kit into the kitchen, where he pressed right up against him.

“Babe,” Kit said with a soft laugh, taking in the wide grin that was squishing Liam’s eyes and showing off his dimples. 

Liam’s hair was damp from the rain, blond strands coiling at the ends. He looked almost dumbfounded with his own giddy excitement. There _ was _ a hint of tension in the set of his shoulders, too, broadcasting a conflict of his emotions, but mostly he just looked amazed.

“Kit...” Liam whined, a boyish bounce to his movements as he nuzzled against Kit’s face. He pretty much just nosedived in, rubbing his cheekbone over Kit’s scruff. “Kit. Kit Kit Kit. I know it’s not a good time, I really do! I hate how upset he was- Is! And, but- I couldn’t do anything about it, it’s... but... He- he said- He likes me? Kit, he _ likes-likes _ me?”

“Yeah?” Kit smiled, helpless affection for his golden boy blooming in his chest. Liam was just so fucking precious when he got like this. “You told him you like him too?”

“I did!” Liam gushed, his low voice dropped to an urgent whisper. He was pressing his chest against Kit’s, crowding them into the counter in an attempt to get as close as he could. “‘s so sweet. He blushed like mad! And scented so nice... Fuck, Kit... He was so anxious when I got there, but then went all calm and- and- and _ pleased! _ Like he knew he could- Like I was... Agh! Kit!”

Kit pressed his smiling mouth against Liam’s carved in dimple, arms draping over his wide shoulders. “Who wouldn’t like you, blondie?”

Liam giggled, his usual happy laugh making Kit smile even harder. He kissed Liam’s mouth next, nudging him with his nose.

“I need to calm down,” Liam laughed against Kit’s lips, kissing back despite the words. “It’s really not the right time. Fuck, I’m horrible.”

“Oh, shut up,” Kit said, biting Liam’s bottom lip in small reprimand for saying that. “You’re allowed to be happy about it. Took such good care of him… And he’s feeling a bit better now, yeah?” Kit couldn’t resist adding, “I’m sure it won’t scare him away to see you go all arse over tit because you fancy him so much.”

Liam pouted childishly. “Well! _ You _ fancy him, too.” His was obviously holding back a smile, but he managed to keep up the petulant scowl.

Kit pecked Liam’s plumped out bottom lip.

“I know,” Kit said, almost pained with how fucking true that was. “I’m pretty sure everyone who’s met me during these past few weeks knows. Except, like, y’know… _ Him._”

Kit folded his arms better behind Liam’s shoulders, easily pulling him in so he could hug him proper. And, fuck, Kit could smell Nathan on him.

He immediately felt guilty, but Kit couldn’t help it; he pressed his nose right against Liam’s shirt, inhaling like he was starved for it. 

This really wasn’t a good idea, all things considered. Like. What if they really would have to cut it? The imprint? Anything like this would just stretch the process out, make it more painful...

Still, none of that mattered, when a groaning, rumbling growl forced its way up Kit’s throat. 

Fuck, it was as if Nathan had been all over Liam. His chest, the dip of his collarbones, his throat. His _ skin. _Even his hair! 

Kit barely noticed how his jaws dropped open, allowing him to scent eagerly through his mouth. He was being pushy, too, making Liam bare his throat so he had more space to just… Take it all in. 

Kit wanted to, to… He wanted to bite down on Liam. Taste his skin to see if it was as intoxicating as the scent he was carrying. And it wasn’t just Nathan’s scent that was frying up Kit’s taste buds; it was the combination of them two... Kit… He needed to- 

”Oi! Do I need to get the hose?” Isac’s laughing voice slashed through the drunken haze Kit had fallen into.

Kit jolted back, not much, as he was still pressed against the counter, but enough to remove his mouth where he had been sucking a mark on Liam’s skin. 

Liam was biting down on his lips, looking very close to cracking up. He did, however, ruffle Kit’s hair placatingly, when Kit growled at him under his breath. Liam did have a bit of a flush going on all over his face, too, so… It wasn’t like he was completely unaffected, either.

“I think we’re good,” Liam said, saving Kit from answering. He was still a prick for enjoying Kit’s peril, but at least he was being kind of helpful... 

Kit cautiously shifted his eyes to Nathan, who was standing half behind Isac, hiding in a subtle way. It was obvious that he was holding onto Isac’s shirt, and his eyes were watching Liam and Kit with curious focus, his cheeks pink.

Liam stepped back from Kit, and turned to smile at the omegas. His features were softer now, less over-excited and more manageably happy, than he had been before coming to Kit. 

Well. At least Kit had managed to somehow positively contribute to that. Y’know, to compensate the shit-show he was the rest of the time nowadays...

“Did you find all you needed?” Liam asked, questioning eyes on Nathan, who rushed to nod. He was wearing a plain black jumper now, and his dark brown hair was even messier than before, looking like a towel had been rubbed over it.

Kit was trying really hard not to think about the reality of Nathan wearing their clothes. Luckily, something else, something more _ pressing, _captured his attention before he fell down that rabbit hole. 

Something else, as in; Liam lifted his hand. And, as if without thinking, Nathan leaned right into it.

Just. 

Right in? Like a kitten? 

Kit could almost feel the way his eyes went dark, zeroing in on the omega, and when Nathan realised what his body was doing? He froze.

His eyes snapped to Kit. Then to Isac. 

And back to Kit. 

He looked instantly nervous, _ worried_, which was absolutely unacceptable. Despite the white noise going on in his mind, Kit made sure to smile from where he was leaning against the kitchen counter. Nathan blushed harder, ducking his head lower.

While... still staying in contact with Liam?

_ Oh my god, _ Isac mouthed at Kit, grey eyes bright. Kit was too busy dealing with his racing mind to respond anything coherent.

Nathan - his omega side - was instinctively reaching out to Kit’s alpha, was he aware of it or not. 

He was signalling tentative trust, and wordlessly looking for approval in an unsure situation. He obviously didn’t _ need _anyone’s approval, but damn, if that didn’t hit right to the center of Kits core. They had barely interacted before now, and there Nathan was, already showing the signs of accepting and trusting the head-alpha in Kit. 

And, fuck. Right. 

Kit knew he’d have to pay special attention as not to accidentally take advantage of that natural inclination for trust. He’d make sure that Nathan’s emotional side was, _ for sure_, all up to speed with his instinctive reactions. Not that Nathan couldn’t take care of himself in that regard, but... it was always better to be safe. 

Kit _ would not _play with that shit. No matter how flattering it was on a primal level.

Nathan’s gaze was lingering somewhere around Kit’s jaw, eyes carefully lowered as he waited for something to break the pause of the situation. It wasn’t tense, the moment, not in a negative sense at least. 

It mostly just seemed like Nathan was unsure of the parameters of... _ all this_. He probably didn’t know how immensely okay Kit was with this. Hell, Kit’s brain felt like it was overflowing with how good the three looked, standing comfortably together, in his home. His. _ His. _

It was obvious when Kit’s pleased and approving scent reached Nathan’s senses. 

Something in his stance relaxed, and he seemed to let out a breath. It was clearly taken as a wordless permission for him to lean into Liam’s touch, now having confirmed that it wasn’t an issue. And, god, he practically melted, eyes slipping shut as he pressed closer to Liam’s side. 

Kit had to bite back a too-pleased, too-eager grumble that tried to build up inside his chest. The way Nathan was leaning towards Liam bared his throat and showed his belly, and the fact that his eyes were closed, even if it was only for a short moment, was signalling Kit’s alpha that the omega _ really _ didn’t see them as a threat. 

The opposite. 

It was so attractive - almost suggestive - to Kit’s imprint churned instincts, and he had to concentrate on reeling all of that back. He really didn’t want to make Nathan uncomfortable, or scare him, even, no matter how out of Kit’s control the symptoms of the stretched out imprint were. 

Kit’s eyes had probably gone a little too dark, a little too blown, with the desire to track down, to take in, and to keep what his instincts were telling was his. Theirs_. _ Kit _ was _ in control though - just like every single alpha was, no matter what some of those absolute fucking arseholes tried to whine and insist on. 

Kit carefully relaxed his tensed shoulders, making sure to throw a quick smile at Isac. He’d been watching Kit go through the predictable wrestling against his impulses, and now looked silently proud. Albeit it was in his usual teasing way, but that was expected. 

On a normal day, with no distanced imprint, none of this nonsense would’ve even happened. 

Kit tried to give himself some slack, knowing that he wasn’t operating as he normally would. And it wasn’t that the instincts were _ bad_. Just like those cringey sex-ed leaflets said; they were natural and healthy, there for a reason. It was a good thing, to be reacting so strongly to a potential mate and pack member. It was just important to make sure that everyone involved were on the same page, before letting the instincts and hormones off leash.

“Have you two eaten?” Liam asked then, stepping in to cover for Kit, knowing how thinly he was stretched. 

_ Good lad, _ Kit thought tiredly, leaning against the counter. He felt absolutely exhausted, but also fired up at the same time. 

He watched quietly how Liam figured out their dinner; mother henning all three of them to make sure everyone were good with the plans, and then bluntly kicked them all out of the kitchen.

Kit felt a little useless and lost as he trailed after Isac and Nathan, relocating to the living room. However, he didn’t feel too bad, he refused to. This was… Okay? Mostly Kit was just thankful that he had Liam covering his back. And Isac his front, of course. 

Also, with every passing minute, the whole flat was being infused with the mixed scent of the four of them... 

Yeah. Maybe it was going to be okay.

-

“The hell! How are you so good at this? Are you cheating?” Isac flailed his controller in the air, poking it towards Nathan to power his accusations. “You’re cheating, aren’t you? You’ve won every single time!”

“No! I swear!” Nathan defended through a laugh, pushing Isac’s arm away from his face. “I just... Used to play a lot? Growing up, I mean.” 

He was blushing a little at the praise in Isac’s playful words, head ducking to hide a smile. His long fingers danced over the buttons of his controller. 

Isac huffed, shaking his head. “Kit, you try. This wee genius is on some whole other level.” 

Getting up from the floor, where he had been sitting next to Nathan, Isac threw the controller towards Kit. It landed on the couch with a bounce, and Kit rushed to catch it before the plastic thing had the chance to meet the floorboards. 

“Oopsie,” Isac grinned, making his eyes round and apologetic when Kit pulled a long suffering face at him. 

“Yeah, yeah,” Kit said, waving him off, and then slid down from the couch. He carefully sat next to Nathan, and into the snug place in between the legs of the couch and the coffee table. 

“I’ll check on the food,” Isac called breezily, backing away towards the kitchen, and even without looking up, Kit knew exactly what he was doing with all this. 

A bloody meddler, Isac was.

Kit bit back his own nerves, took a proper hold on the controller, and then turned to Nathan. “Wanna do the _ Rainbow Road _ again? Or we can play something else, too?”

“No, this is fine,” Nathan said quietly. He paused to clear his throat a bit, and then added, “I mean, if you want? I’m fine with whatever...”

Something made Kit pause, and he looked at him for a short moment, taking in the curled-in way Nathan was pressed against the couch. His controller was resting on his bent up knees, and his fingers were shaky now, as he fiddled with the buttons.

Kit frowned. 

“Everything okay?” he asked, tilting his head a little, unsuccessfully trying to catch Nathan’s eye.

“Um. Yeah?” Nathan replied, shoulders lifting and then dropping back down. He curled his feet in, one on top of the other, and quickly glanced towards Kit’s direction, just to turn away again.

Yeah, right...

“You sure?” Kit really didn’t want to push him, but, c’mon… This was killing him. 

If Nathan wasn’t comfortable hanging out with Kit alone, then Kit would just have to deal with that. But until Nathan said something, Kit couldn’t _ fix _ it.

At least he wasn’t scenting out that same devastating anxiety as he had after the fair... Fuck, that shit was branded into Kit’s brain for forever.

Not knowing what else to do when Nathan didn't really respond, Kit tried his best to pull out his saddest, most comical puppy dog eyes. He added a questioning little mock-whine on top, and finally, Nathan looked up at him. 

“Yes, Kit,” Nathan huffed, an amused little smile starting to tease the corners of his mouth, “I’m all good.”

“Okay, good,” Kit said, responding to Nathan’s smile with one of his own. Still, Kit wasn’t completely convinced. Especially not with the way Nathan’s hands were still trembling. Kit swallowed, and then just decided to go for it. “Hey… I’m- I’m really glad you’re feeling a bit better. Since the morning, I mean.”

Nathan fumbled with his controller as the words landed, ending up abandoning it on the floor so he could tuck his fingers in between his thighs.

His blue eyes were a bit wide when they briefly met Kit’s. “Um, yeah… I- Thanks… And, well, Liam really helped? He’s… Um. He’s pretty great,” Nathan said, voice getting more and more quiet and thin with each word. “And… Thanks- thanks for letting me, like, have him?”

_ Fuckin’ hell. _

“Of course, love. You can have him whenever- ” Kit said, but then quickly paused to mentally backtrack. Because... He was detecting a massive chance there. Like, a chance for something devastatingly scary but kind of inevitable? Something he definitely should do now, just to… Get some clarity. Finally. Fuck. Okay. Fuck it. “Well. I mean… Maybe not all of him? I’m...” Kit cleared his throat, feeling more awkward than he could remember ever being. Was it always this hard and flustering to talk to a… Well. To a _ Nathan_. “Like. How about we… _ share? _Y’know? If, if that’s something you’d- maybe want to, like, consider?”

That was a sentence though, right? A pathetic one, sure, but it hopefully could get _ the point _ across.

“Y-yes,” Nathan said, too quickly, and almost too softly to hear, before repeating a bit louder, “I mean, yes. That’s… I want to.”

Kit’s heart was going to crawl out his mouth at this rate, no joke. 

“Yeah? And Izzy, too?” Kit licked over his dry lips. His whole body felt like it was buzzing. “That’s something you’d… Maybe be- interested in seeing where it could go?”

Okay, that was getting very direct, but Kit really didn’t want any confusion here. This was so important. Not only because Kit wanted it quite a bit, but also because he was literally going fucking mental. 

Something really had to give, to ease the situation. Kit wasn’t sure he’d be able to deal with his inner tension much longer.

Nathan was blushing really hard and he was digging his fingers harder into the gap in between his thighs. He looked so uncomfortable, almost embarrassed, but his nervous scent wasn’t alarming Kit too much yet. Hell, Kit himself was probably very obviously terrified, so…

Nathan nodded. 

Very clearly. A soft but sure, “Yeah...” following the gesture.

And, after a short pause, he looked up at Kit. Like he hadn't just stopped the time?

“Did… Um. Did Liam mention what we- Like, what we talked about?” Nathan asked. Kit was struggling to keep his cool a little, because _ Holy shit! That just happened! _But, somehow, he managed to look questioning, and even shrug unsurely in response. Nathan looked hesitant, before he added, “About the scent imprint?”

Ah, fuck...

Great.

Should’ve known that this one would come to bite Kit in the arse. _ Fuckin’ shit. _

Liam was supposed to warn him if something like this came up! And not, like, throw Kit to the dogs! What the hell!?

“Fuck, um...” Kit sighed. His ears were feeling hot, but he tried to collect himself, rubbing his eyes to steal some time. Nathan looked like he was trying to curl up into an even smaller ball, when Kit looked back up at him. “Right. So. I’m honestly really sorry,” Kit said, apologetic and a bit sheepish. “I know it can be... really overwhelming? To be on the receiving end of an imprint... And, I’ve been acting like a real tit. Trust me, I know. But, yeah, I just really hope it hasn’t made you uncomfortable?” When Nathan just blinked at him, completely silent, Kit rushed to continue, nerves flaring. “I know it’s weird, and- and I’ve been feeling pretty creepy about it, too, but… We just- figured that this would maybe be the best way to- I don’t know. Get to know you? Without making it even creepier than it already felt? Yeah, just. Yeah... ‘m sorry, if it’s been… Not good? Like. That’s not what we wanted, at all.”

Oh god. 

Why...

“I- Wow. Okay.” Nathan coughed, looking flustered. It was kind of stressing Kit out a lot. Like, _ a lot, _ but then Nathan rubbed his mouth, covering an uptick of his lips. Kit went still when he saw that, and he watched keenly as Nathan continued, “I… Well, I meant... I meant how I got stuck on _ your _ scent? But… I guess this works, too?”

Nathan breathed out a nervous laugh, glancing up at Kit from the corner of his eyes. And, okay…

This…

Okay.

It was pretty normal for imprints to happen mutually, it _ was _about a biological match, after all. But it wasn’t always the case, a lot of things affected the chemistry and hormones going on in the body. 

Some only imprinted once in their life; they found their mates, and their bodies got happily balanced with the amount of bonds they had. Some struggled to get those biological cues at all. Some were sick, or their hormones weren’t reacting right, so they wouldn’t respond like a healthy body would. Same with older people; it was more rare for them to detect an imprint as they moved past their ‘prime’. 

Kid’s going through their puberty often scent imprinted left and right, but it wasn’t as intense or deep at that stage. It was more- innocent? Their bodies were still developing and figuring out all the new shit they were going through, with presenting, and their heightening sense of smell, the dynamics with their peers... It was often quick and raw, the way teens imprinted on scent, but in the end, it rarely ever actually took hold at that age. 

There really were a lot of variables. Even the heat cycles affected the probability of an imprint. Or what kind of diet a person had. It wasn’t always set in stone. One person could get a really strong scent imprint on someone, while that person, although being biologically so highly compatible, wouldn’t even notice. In uneven situations like that, the more slowly developing emotional imprint was usually what was enough to seal the deal. Like Liam, who hadn’t imprinted based on Nathan’s scent, but was now getting completely tuned in on him because they were syncing up otherwise. 

Kit was pretty sure that he was already half-way emotionally imprinted - _ and fully invested - _ himself, just from these few moments alone with Nathan. And... Scent imprints happened way less in adulthood; usually people just met, and the emotional imprint grew in over time. 

It was- scary, to be so completely ravished like this, just because of a reaction to a scent. But… It was also really fucking nice? Just. Special, kind of?

Like something ancient in his veins agreed with the pudding feelings Kit had? Yeah. 

It felt right. 

Kit tried to swallow down the building unfiltered eagerness that was growing inside his chest. Unfortunately, he couldn’t really do much to limit the natural reaction that was no doubt blowing his pupils wide. 

Which… Kit knew it was an intensely wild look, the dark hunting eyes, but dammit... Did it ever feel good to be ‘closing in’. 

“It works, yeah,” Kit husked out, his voice feeling very thick and sticky all of a sudden. 

Right then, just like that, Kit felt overwhelmingly like he wanted to just… _ bounce. _ His teeth and gums ached, ready to bite, and his mind was quieting down to a precise watchfulness. Still, silent, eyes pinned to the- 

Isac, sauntering back into the room with a carrot stick crunching in his mouth, took one look at Kit. 

“Eyy, calm it, Kitty,” Isac called. He walked up to them, only pausing to nudge at Nathan’s long legs apart to create space, before plopping down in between his thighs. Like. As if that was something he did all the time? Well, Isac kind of did. He was very good and open with casual touch. And he also had a very unfortunate timing. Or, maybe it was the perfect timing? Kit was having a hard time thinking... “What’s with the bedroom eyes, love?”

That, at least, snapped some sense to Kit’s head.

He still glared at Isac, quietly trying to signal that he cut that crap out, not too eager on being called out so obviously. 

Not that Nathan was really looking, being too busy adapting to the fact that he had an Isac in between his legs now. The lad looked rather amazed, really. Like he couldn’t believe he got to have all these cuddles? Just like Liam had said in his text, Nathan seemed to truly enjoy the touching. Kit had yet to see Nathan consciously initiate it first, sure, but maybe he’d get more confident with time and some familiarity.

Isac rolled his eyes at Kit’s squinting look, and then just moved on, lifting up a phone that Kit didn’t recognise. It whistled in Isac’s hand, the screen lighting up, previewing several unread messages. “Here.”

Nathan wasn’t reacting to the phone at all, as if it didn’t even come to his mind that it could’ve been his. He just absentmindedly traced the edge of Isac’s shirt with his fingertips, like he was assuming that the conversation was in between Kit and Isac.

“Your phone,” Isac said, dropping his head back on Nathan’s shoulder to get his attention. He thrusted the phone closer to Nathan’s face, pointedly wiggling it in the air. “It was going off in your jacket.”

Nathan seemed genuinely surprised as he looked up, but he dutifully took it from Isac. 

Isac, who used his new position to tuck himself into the crook of Nathan’s neck, grinned sharply up at Kit from his spot. Pft… What an arse. 

After some tapping, Nathan’s frown smoothed to give way to an understanding. “Oh, it’s Lucy.”

“Lucy?” Isac asked, smile widening almost dangerously when Nathan’s distracted arm circled around his belly. 

Honestly. _ What an arse. _ Isac knew full well what this little display was doing to Kit, especially when he couldn’t really _ do _anything about it. Yet.

Oh.

Shit, yeah. _ Yet. _

“Uh-huh. We got partnered for a project,” Nathan said, typing a couple of quick replies. He also searched up a gif of a fully armoured medieval knight doing the robot-dance, before sending it with a party popper emoji. Kit didn’t feel that bad for getting a peek of the chat, because Nathan was openly holding the phone in front of Isac, too. 

This Lucy replied immediately with a long line of _ ‘lols’_, and Nathan hid his smile into Isac’s shoulder.

“‘s she nice?” Isac asked, looking all cozy and _ smug _ there, hugged into Nathan’s chest. Okay, fine... Isac also looked really fond, clearly happy to see Nathan goofing off a little with his course mate.

But Kit was still a tad- Well. Not really jealous, because he was so happy about how this all was going now, but he also felt… 

_ Longing? _

Okay, gross. 

Fuck. That was so lame. Especially because it wasn't a lie.

Holy shit.

Nathan smiled, shutting the phone off. He placed it down on the floor, in the little space that was left in between Kit and him. “Yeah. She’s funny.”

“Good,” Isac said. Nathan clearly didn’t pick up on why that was good, or why Isac was looking at him with a small smile on his face, because he just shrugged.

But… It was just obvious from what Kit had heard so far, that Nathan didn’t really have that many friends. It was rather heartbreaking, really, Kit thought, because it didn’t make much sense. 

Maybe he was just too shy? Except… Nathan didn’t really come across as _ shy_, he was just… more quiet? Reserved? Kit could already see that once he was more comfortable, he’d probably have no problems opening up.

“Hey, do you have contact hours the week before the exams next month?” Isac asked then, sounding eager. “I know some courses have full reading weeks, but I only have some one-on-ones coming up.”

“Well… I have a seminar that Thursday, but otherwise it’s just self directed stuff,” Nathan said. “I’m going up to my parents’ for most of that week, we’re doing a birthday dinner for dad. So, ‘m just gonna keep working with Lucy, like, from home? She promised to take notes from the seminar for me. But, I don’t really have exams this semester? Only some essays and one presentation.”

Okay. This was probably the most Kit had ever heard Nathan speak, and, like? Even his voice was nice? 

The hell...

“I’m just working on my Master’s project and the dissertation, but I have to have the first drafts ready for the reading week,” Isac said, and then wrinkled his nose, thinking. “But if you don’t have exams, we could hang out when you come back from your parents’? If you get your essays done, I mean?”

“Yeah, I’m trying to hand them all in as soon as possible, so I can have that whole week off.” Nathan laughed a little at that. “I mean, I know it’s a bit ambitious but… I _ really _need a break.”

After what had happened today, and the past week, actually, Kit wholeheartedly agreed. The lad _ definitely _ needed a break.

“I’m sure you’ll get them done,” Kit said. Nathan’s answering smile was thankful, and like a delicious, calming treat to Kit’s instinct-messed head. 

“You excited to go home, then?” Isac asked, repeatedly prodding Nathan’s calves with the sides of his feet. He was still barefoot, the pink state of his toes revealing that the idiot was freezing. Probably just too distracted to go find his socks. 

Also, how was Kit supposed to handle how adorably short Isac’s little legs were compared to the endless coltishness of Nathan’s? Like, compared to Liam, everyone was tiny, but seeing these two omegas together like this was just… 

As embarrassing as it might’ve been, Kit’s alphan side was definitely having a field day on this.

“Well. Um, yeah. I guess?” Nathan said, shrugging a little with the shoulder that hadn’t been conquered by Isac. “Haven’t been back in like a year, so it’s gonna be a bit strange? Maybe. But, yeah, ‘s probably good to get away from uni and work for a bit.” 

“That’s true,” Isac said. And then outright pressed his nose under Nathan’s chin, starting to purr a little. Which, y’know, made Nathan instantly flush scarlet, widened eyes avoiding looking in Kit’s direction. And it was probably for the best, too, because Kit’s mouth was getting inappropriately wet again. “You can have a nice time with your parents, and once you get back, we have a whole week left to just be lazy and hang out!”

“Yeah, I…” Nathan ducked his head, kind of accidentally nuzzling his cheek all over Isac’s face. “That sounds- good.”

And it really did. Sound good. 

Look good. Scent good.

Just. 

Fuck...

_Good. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lied. Kit has two brain cells. One ran by instincts, while the other is just pure drama-fuelled fluff and mushiness. And this loser still thinks he’s a tough guy (probably why he keeps getting more tattoos; to cover up all that inner candy floss lol). I had fun writing the more animalistic side here, too, even though it's also a challenge!
> 
> Really liked writing Kit and Isac together again. They can be so mean and rude to each other, it’s pretty great lol! But don’t worry, it’s their own personal love language hah! 
> 
> -
> 
> This chapter really didn’t want to end! I considered splitting it but it didn’t really make sense that way either. So, a long boi for you! Hopefully it's not uncomfortable to read, I know there's a lot going on (dare I even say: progress??) hehe :9
> 
> Overall, and as always, I hope this one makes sense with all the made-up biology stuff, and I really hope you like it! Thank you so much for being patient with me. You guys are the best xx
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I can't thank all of you enough for the love and support you guys keep sending my way!! I can't remember ever writing as consistently as I have with this series, or being so genuinely into the process of writing and figuring out the character/story arcs. Writing this story has made me feel very accomplished and more confident in my skills as a writer. All the comments, thoughts, and excitement from you all have been a big part of that. Thank you!<3  
-
> 
> Now. 
> 
> This is Nathan’s chapter (part 1/2) but we have a rogue Isac coming through, kind of hijacking the whole thing. I don't think Nathan minds.

1/2

NATHAN

From Mum: _ How are you getting to the train station in the morning?_

From Mum: _ I emailed the ticket confirmation to you, could you check you got it? <3 _

From Nathan: _ Just gonna walk I think, it’s like 20 min. And yeah I got it, thank youu!!<3 _

From Mum: _ You are not walking alone at 5 am Nathan!!! Get a taxi and I’ll pay for it when you get here. _

From Nathan: _ mummm no, you already paid for the train tickets. It’s fine, the station isn’t that far and it’s always busy so there’s other people around, don’t worry! _

From Mum: _ >:-( Of course I’ll worry! _

From Mum: _ Fine. But message me when you get on the train... _

From Nathan: _ Okayyy. But you’ll be asleep anyway so lol _

From Mum: _ Still! _

From Mum: _ I’ll try to park outside the station but if it doesn’t work out I’ll call you! _

From Nathan: _ Okkk!! See you tomorrow!<3 _

From Mum: _ <3 _

  
  


“Nathan, my dear child. I need your contribution,” Lucy announced, abandoning her notes with a dramatic flick of her wrist. She turned to Nathan, heavily falling against the back of the seat as she did so. Nathan shut his phone screen off, and lifted his brows in question.

Lucy tugged distractedly on her plated hair for a moment, before asking, “If, say, a lovely alpha like me, went up to that cutie - left side, second row - how humiliating would it be if he laughed in my face?”

Nathan scanned the seats of the lecture hall, eyes landing on a beta he recognised.

“Antonne?” Nathan said, looking back at Lucy, who perked up.

“That’s his name?” she stage-whispered, peering over the backs of the seats. “What about the girl, the pretty one next to him? Do I have to challenge her into a duel to death?”

Nathan shook his head with an amused smile. “I’m pretty sure that’s his cousin. Don’t know her name though.” They did look vaguely similar, both having the same deep dark skin tone and happily crinkling almond shaped eyes. Antonne was a lot taller, however, a lean runner's body, while his alpha cousin was shorter, her full curves rounder. Her hijab was dark royal red, and Nathan always thought her eye makeup looked like it had been done by a professional. “I don’t know him that well, but we were in a seminar group together once, in the first year. He was chill.”

“Good, good,” Lucy said, pausing for a moment before turning back towards Nathan. She leaned closer, grabbing her plaited hair to fidget with it again, only to whine, “But should I do it? He’s cute.”

If it had been Nathan, the answer would’ve been an immediate _ ‘Absolutely not, are you crazy!?’ _ but this was Lucy. Confident and funny, Lucy. She’d probably be able to do anything.

“What if he’s already seeing someone...” Lucy pouted. “Or doesn’t date alphas? Boo, he should definitely date me!”

“He was seeing an alpha back then, I think,” Nathan remembered vaguely. “Maybe? I’m not sure, though.”

“If I get brave, I’ll sit with him on Thursday,” Lucy said, squinting her eyes. Nathan kind of just stared at her. This woman was terrifying? Like. She could just… Do things like that? _ Want to _do things like that. The hell? “I mean, I have the perfect excuse because you’re ditching me for your mummy and dada.”

“I’m very sorry to leave you behind, ma’am,” Nathan said dryly, and then grinned a little when Lucy rolled her eyes at him. People around them were starting to gather their things, the clock on the wall signalling the end of the day.

“You better be!” She huffed, shuffling her notes into a neat pile and slipping them into a binder. “Abandoning your sugar mama like this! For another mama!” She threw her hair over her shoulder, sniffing haughtily, “Unacceptable.”

“Where’s the sugar, though?” Nathan asked, and then ducked his head to hide a smile when Lucy pretended to smack him with the binder.

“Rude!” she gasped, laugh obvious in her voice. “Who’s going to be taking your notes, huh?”

“Okay, okay!” Nathan laughed. Fine, he _ giggled. _That was a giggle. Nathan hunched to the side to escape Lucy’s poking fingers, her nails painted bright purple today. 

Lucy just grinned at him in response, and then slipped her things in her bag before standing up. Nathan followed suit, albeit a bit less organised.

When they got out of the lecture hall and the crowd started to thin around them, Lucy asked, “Are you going straight home or do you have work today?”

“Just home,” Nathan said with a shrug. “Had my last day at the library yesterday, I’m only going back after the exam week.” 

“Sounds so nice,” Lucy groaned, stretching the vowels. “I have full shifts today and over the weekend, but then I get a couple of days off too.”

“And you probably need the break more than I do,” Nathan joked, having heard some of Lucy’s horror stories about being a barista in a busy chain cafe. He was scared to even imagine himself in such high intensity customer service position. Even then idea made Nathan shrivel up inside a little. 

“Man, no way! You’ve worked so hard this semester,” Lucy said, so earnest and sweet that it was making Nathan’s skin feel warm. “I can handle a couple of Karens wanting to speak to the manager, any day. You, on the other hand, aren’t allowed to do anything but rest for a bit!”

“You _ are _ the co-manager,” Nathan reminded her, and then laughed at the delighted glee that sparkled in Lucy’s eyes as she cheekily tapped her nose. Yeah. The Karens had another thing coming. Nathan, playing with his bag straps, distractedly sidestepped a group of people passing them, and then said, “I still have to pack some things before I go up to my parents’, but after that, I can just… Chill.”

“And I’m going to pop in your _ WhatsApp _to make sure you actually do that,” Lucy said, poked Nathan in the chest, and then nodded decidedly. “There’s gonna be no mo’ sugar if ma baby is too exhausted to function.”

“Yes, mama,” Nathan sighed solemnly, and then grinned up at Lucy when she broke into a delighted cackle. He felt stupid pleased for making her laugh, despite the fact that Lucy always seemed to be smiling at something. But still… It was just- nice? Like proof that he was… okay to be around? 

Nathan was prepared to say something else, but that was when he spotted Isac coming down the hall. He had his skateboard with him, as usual, but for once it was tucked away on the straps of his backpack, leaning against his back. Isac looked pretty worn out and tired for some reason, but the second he noticed Nathan, his face split into a wide grin.

“Ooh, a cutie alert!” Lucy cooed, elbowing Nathan. Lucy waggled her brows pointedly, miming towards Isac not at all subtly. Nathan scowled at her, squinting his eyes until she poked her tongue out.

She knew about the pack, kind of, having pestered Nathan about the familiar scents lingering on him, as he wasn't mated or truly scent marked. She probably also recognised Isac, having seen him with Nathan before.

And… Well. Lucy was very set on that the pack was courting him. Secretly Nathan agreed, but for some reason it was impossible for him to acknowledge it out loud. He kept saying they were just friends, because… for some reason it made him really uncomfortable to say that he, Nathan, fancied someone? And if they started to talk about courting, it would automatically end up turning into a chat about Nathan’s feelings, too...

He was a bit better - although just as red faced and a lot awkward - discussing the possibility of _ them _liking him. Nathan was still cautious and amazed by that though, but after what had happened and said with Liam and Kit, it was hard to think otherwise. 

That was terrifying. Exciting, but terrifying.

And yet, verbally _ ‘admitting’ _ that Nathan himself had a crush, felt embarrassing. Humiliating, even…

It had been fine, three weeks ago with Liam, because the alpha had said it first. He had made it _ safe. _It was as if it was only okay to feel that way, if something was very strongly validating Nathan’s feelings, or was already responding positively to them.

Otherwise? Nathan would rather _ die _ than have someone know he had those kinds of feelings. Terrible. Absolutely terrible.

It didn’t make sense. Where was all this shame coming from? Wasn’t this something people enjoyed and got all excited about? 

Well. Nathan did too, but the humiliation kind of overpowered it all… It was like he was allergic to nice feelings, for fuck’s sake.

Why couldn’t anything be... just simple? 

“Fine! Ignore the cutie alert,” Lucy said, readjusting her bag on her shoulder. She then opened her arms and wriggled her fingers, giving Nathan a quick hug when he leaned in. “I’ll see you after the break, yeah?” She glanced at the clock, hissing a little when she saw the time. “I have to catch the bus. But hey, you text me? And rest! I’m serious!” 

“Yes, yes, I promise. You too!” Nathan called, and waved as Lucy backed towards the main doors. “Bye!”

“Bye!”

And honestly? 

It was so bloody weird that Nathan was actually routinely texting more people than just his mum. He texted with Lucy a lot, and it wasn’t even all about uni work anymore. It had also been about three weeks of hanging out with _ the pack_, and there hadn’t been a day Nathan hadn’t heard from at least one of them.

Nathan wasn’t really sure how to feel about it, though. Like, it was great! It was fucking amazing! Better than he could have ever hoped, progress-wise.

But something also kept tugging behind his chest and telling him that it was all a fluke. It was unfamiliar. Can’t trust this. They don’t really care. If they really knew you, they’d be gone in a heartbeat. Keep your distance, it’s going to just hurt more if you don’t.

Yes, it was self-sabotaging, but it was also- true? Kind of?

Nathan was trying to work _ with _ that instinct to pull away and hide. He was trying to acknowledge and accept that it was a reaction that was there for a reason, trying to keep him safe, no matter how dysfunctional it was nowadays. It was all he knew though, and it still felt natural. However, when he really paused to think, to be _ aware_, he could recognise it for what it was: Self-isolating. Withdrawing. Shutting down. 

Ah, yes. All Nathan’s favourite little friends.

However, Nathan was adamant on not screwing this up. This felt like his only chance, like he finally had an in… to something that even a little resembled normalcy. He couldn’t throw all this away just because everything in him was saying how wrong and unfamiliar it felt.

The isolation was his comfort zone, no matter how toxic for him that had become over the years. Of course anything else but that would register as alarming.

Nathan now fully accepted the fact that there was something going on with him. He accepted that something had gone wrong in his past, and he was starting to accept that it had been… Not good.

He still didn’t like the word abusive, because… Well. His childhood was normal to him? If it was normal, how could it be abusive? Like, yeah, some things hadn’t been great, but... Abusive was too harsh. Too dramatic. 

Nathan was tired of even thinking about it at this point, yet these things and memories kept popping up in his head randomly throughout the day. It was annoying, and tiring. 

Why focus on the past so much when he had enough things to freak out about in the current day, too?

Such as the fact that Nathan had no idea what he wanted, exactly. From this thing. With these guys... He had no prior experience being in a relationship, _ or _even in a proper friendship. Somehow he was still managing to get increasingly- frustrated?

Because… Things were moving… very- vaguely?

Nathan wasn’t sure if he was glad or not. Like. He knew _ he _ needed to have things taken pretty slowly, or he’d just freak out and bolt. Nathan knew that, he knew himself. And still… He was starting to get a little impatient? But he wasn’t sure for what.

And maybe that was it? The uncertainty and the feeling of waiting for something to happen? To go wrong. Nathan didn’t know how these things usually went in_ real life_, so he was kind of just… Waiting for the other shoe to drop? 

Yeah. It was making him anxious; uncertainty always meant something bad was about to go down.

In the years he had spent daydreaming and creating these blurry utopian scenarios with faceless people, he’d always just skipped the parts like this. Nathan had just fast forwarded to the fake security and safety and warm feelings he craved, not wasting time on anything else. They were _ his _ fantasies, there to make him feel even a little bit better so he could actually manage to fall asleep feeling like he wasn’t completely alone. Why would he waste time on stressing himself out in his daydreams? Like, stress was exactly what he was trying to avoid, when literally living in his own head to escape reality.

Fuck, that was sad. That was sad, right? 

Pathetic...

Nathan really felt so alone and abandoned that he’d configured some random-ass people in his head, so he could feel safe and cared for and loved, even for a small part of a day. He still did it… Not as much, and his fake people weren’t quite as fake anymore, but…

Nathan kinda felt guilty about that, too. Or maybe it was creepy… Was it normal to use the memory of Liam holding him, as a crutch, so he could fall asleep feeling calm? 

Yeah.

Nope. Definitely weird.

Well. Maybe it was better that they were taking their time, testing the waters, and not rushing to match anyone else's, or the society’s, timelines.

The others didn’t seem to be expecting anything of Nathan either, other than just his… company? Which was weirdly unsettling. Nathan wasn’t used to anyone wanting him around without expecting him to do something. Like. Just being him didn’t feel like enough, as terrible as that sounded…

Even at home, at his parents’, he constantly felt like he was supposed to be doing something and he couldn’t relax. Okay… Especially at his parents’. Fuck. Why was he thinking about his parents again? 

Nathan watched Isac zig-zag across the hall, pausing to high five a couple of people like it was normal to know half of the earth’s population.

They were all so different from Nathan. Isac, Liam and Kit. They were just so…

They just _ were. _

And Nathan felt like he _ wasn’t. _

He was hollow where everyone else seemed to hold a full person. For him, there had been no space for a person, not for a long time. Becoming one was exhausting.

Nathan just hoped it would be worth it. These boys felt worth it, though. Which was an intense thought to have in a campus hall.

In general, Nathan was still a bit wary and shy of Kit. Not because of something the alpha had done, but because of the intensity of his own reactions to him. Nathan was used to holding control in his own hands. These two alphas, led by Kit, made something in his head shift. It was something unfamiliar, once again, and nerve wrecking… Everything was just so new and unpredictable. But Nathan wanted it, so bad, no matter how humiliating that _ want _ was. 

It was just hard to let go, hard to allow himself to want it. What if they’d change their minds? What if they wouldn’t like what Nathan had to offer, after all? What if he would so something wrong, being so utterly inexperienced with everything? What if they didn’t like _ Nathan? _

They already had something so perfect, the three of them. Why’d they ever even need someone like Nathan?

“Natty-patty!” Isac cheered loudly as he got closer. And, okay, that was a new one. Nathan huffed, his neck feeling warm.

“Hi, Iz,” he managed to say, just before Isac bounced right up to him and threw his arms around Nathan’s shoulders.

“Darlin’, darlin’,” Isac warbled in a purposefully obnoxious voice, “Are you done for the day? You don’t have work anymore, right? Can we hang out? Oh! Have you eaten? And who was that? Lucy? Right? She’s pretty!”

It was a lot of words, delivered in a very short amount of time, even for Isac. He was quick witted and a menace, but he was also too focused and calculated to ramble like an excited... bouncy, uh, _ bunny… _? Usually. 

No wonder he looked exhausted, if his speed was at a lightning level today.

Despite the purpling bruises under his eyes, Isac was smiling. The mischievous curve of his lips and the fading freckles from the past summer, scattered over the bridge of his nose, looked more familiar each day. 

Isac was being more handsy than usual, too, the attention making Nathan’s insides buzz with something hot. It was distracting, a very effectively pulling Nathan from his head, his senses heightening somehow. The rush simultaneously made him nervous and excited, and Nathan could do nothing but wet his lips when Isac hooked his fingers into the loops of his jeans.

But… 

Isac was already saying something else, grey eyes tired, but still pleased and relaxed. Nathan wasn’t listening, or paying attention to the words.

Because something smelled really nice? 

Strangely nice, even. Like something Nathan had been craving for a long time, but he hadn’t been able to put a finger on what exactly it was that he was craving. 

But now it was everywhere, curling around Nathan, and touching down even on his taste buds.

_ Gosh, what was that? _

A hand moving to his waist pulled Nathan from the greedy daze he’d fallen into. 

Blinking, Nathan paused, and then blushed pretty spectacularly, getting hit by the realisation that he’d somehow ended up hunching down and pressing his nose under Isac’s ear. 

“Uh... um,” Nathan struggled, lungs full of that heady and addictive scent. It was Isac. The too-good scent was _ Isac’s_. “You, um... you smell nice?”

Isac was laughing at him without a sound, it was obvious from the way his nose was wrinkling up and his eyes twinkled with amusement. The hand on Nathan’s waist squeezed.

“I bet,” Isac said, a pleased lilt to his voice, while his eyes stayed amused and fond as he watched Nathan. Isac grinned, leaning against Nathan’s chest when he stood back up and into a more appropriate position. God, what had he been thinking? Nothing, clearly… because that was so inappropriate! Fuck, he’d even been tasting the scent through his mouth. Shit, he was going to be kicked out of University for indecent behaviour! However, or maybe it was _ of course_, Isac seemed to absolutely love that embarrassment of his: “You’re adorable.” 

“Iz...” Nathan complained, head ducking automatically, even as a little smile tried to tug on his mouth. This was terrible, so, so humiliating, yet somehow Isac was able to make it feel more… okay? Like Isac was some sort of buffer?

Nothing made sense anymore. Why wasn’t Nathan panicking about this? 

Isac’s smile only turned sharper.

“Well, you are!” he said, butting his head against Nathan’s shoulder, before leaning back to watch him again. His eyes were focused even with the tired smudges under them, and there was a dangerous, studying edge to his look, “I like it that you like my scent.”

“Um. Yeah?” Nathan said, shrugging a little, eyes following the seams of the floor-tiles to avoid eye contact. He could still feel Isac’s warm hand on his waist and his even warmer gaze on his face.

“Yeah,” Isac echoed, “you would, huh.” Nathan was vaguely recognising the scheming edge of that tone. He didn’t have time to prepare himself though, when Isac suddenly leaned up to speak right against Nathan’s ear, knowingly going for the kill: “It’s the pre-heat, babe.”

Nathan’s mouth snapped shut, teeth clicking together at the unexpected revelation.

Isac’s fingers were pressing into his side, almost as if making sure Nathan wouldn’t try to run away. He looked a bit smug, too, clearly enjoying the chaos he caused.

There really was no wriggling out of this, was there?

“Oh, god...” Nathan sighed, neck and chest tingling up with the burning heat spreading there. “I’m- I didn’t...”

“Yeah, you did,” Isac cut in happily, fingers flexing pointedly deeper into Nathan’s waist, “and it’s so hot. Went right in, didn’t you? 

“Ugh, shut up,” Nathan whined, nose scrunching up in embarrassment as Isac’s teasing made his skin buzz with the horrible heat. 

Isac just laughed at him, and then leaned up onto his toes to smack an exaggerated kiss on Nathan’s red cheek.

Right.

As if he hadn’t already short circuited Nathan’s head enough... 

-

The first thing Isac did, when they got to Nathan’s place, was kiss him again. 

On the mouth, this time.

Well. No. They did take their shoes and jackets off first. And then Nathan had stood back and awkwardly watched as Isac looked around. 

Nathan had been stuck on worrying about the state of his flat - he hadn’t known he’d be having visitors, after all - when Isac had circled back to him. Like. Right to him.

Right up against him. 

Very close. 

Scenting so damn nice. 

“I like it! The windowsills are really cool!” Isac had said, grinning up at Nathan. “And I like you. Is it okay if I kiss you?” 

And… 

Nathan couldn’t really remember his thought process, or how long it had taken him to respond. He just knew that the answer had been an immediate litany of _ ‘god, yes? Kiss? Touch? Scent? Good...’ _running through his mind.

Clearly he had managed to signal all of that to Isac, mostly by nodding, because Isac’s full bottom lip was now in between Nathan’s slimmer ones. Isac’s loud purr was steadily rolling against where their chests were pressed together, and Nathan felt like he was melting.

Burning, too.

But in a very, very nice way...

It was chaste, and it felt so- good? Like, it was almost embarrassing how good it felt. The kiss remained mostly closed mouthed and careful, and Nathan was trying his best not to show how much he didn’t know what he was doing. It was hard to care about that, though, whenever he got swept up in the way Isac felt pressed against him. 

His brain wouldn’t quiet though, the assault of thoughts and feelings and the input from his senses poured in in an overwhelming rush. Nathan was very conscious of his own body, in that moment, and wherever his was touching Isac’s, felt almost overly sensitive. 

Nathan, for someone who had imagined and reimagined _ a _ first kiss for thousands of times, was taken aback by how _ nothing like that _kissing Isac was.

It was better. More. 

_ Real. _

And the thing Nathan liked about it the most? How natural it felt.

Sure, Nathan’s brain was going haywire, he was very awkward, and probably bright red, but it still felt easy. Like it wasn’t something impossible, anymore… Like it had always felt when resurfacing from his daydreams.

It was all real, and Nathan could barely believe it was actually happening. 

And Isac…

His scent and his bodyheat were making Nathan think about things he rarely thought in the presence of another person. Perhaps it was a bit different with Isac, than what he'd typically thought of. Nathan hadn’t really thought about kissing another omega before, but it somehow felt just as right. Isac felt right. And there was less pressure, for… other things. Not that there had been any pressure on Nathan, for anything _like that, _ but it wasn’t like he never thought about _those things_… It just was a little bit different, when it came to the alphas. Not better or worse, just different. This, with Isac, right now, felt just right. They were _ the same, _and Nathan felt secure, Isac’s hot mouth against his, while Isac’s fingers pet through the messy strands of his hair. 

Still, it was as if something was waking up in Nathan, coaxed by Isac’s soft touches.

Nathan rarely thought of himself in a position like this. Like, _ the real him_, the real physical form of him, in a real life scenario with a real person. 

It was so real, it was making his heart stutter.

Had he really become someone who just kissed boys in their small studio flats, late in the afternoon after a day of studying? Was this really something Nathan did now? 

Something he could _ have? _

For real?

Holy shit, he was kissing Isac.

Nathan, embarrassingly enough, tried to follow when Isac finally dropped down from standing on his tiptoes. His hands were still around Nathan’s neck, though, and before stepping away, he brushed his wrists over the sides of Nathan’s throat.

Isac’s scent spiked as he did so, the obvious scenting intent making Nathan’s heart miss a beat. 

Isac had… Isac had done that on purpose. Knowingly marking Nathan, mixing their scents… He was _ including _ Nathan. 

_ Mine, _ the gesture declared.

Biting down on an overwhelmed whine, Nathan licked his hot feeling lips. There was a pressure inside his chest where the whine was trying to push itself out, and his whole body felt disjointed. 

Without Isac’s body against him, Nathan truly felt like he was going to start swaying if he didn’t manage to get his shit together.

Nathan could feel his own pulse on his lips and the skin on his throat buzzed where Isac had scent marked him. His whole head felt dumb, and the only thing he could clearly think about, was wanting to kiss Isac again.

Based on the look in Isac’s eyes, he knew exactly what Nathan was thinking... 

He had that smug air to him again, and although he looked pretty flushed himself, he somehow still managed to seem like he held all the strings here. And he did. 

He definitely did.

Nathan… kind of liked that?

“Can I snoop?” Isac asked, grinning impishly while bouncing on his toes next to Nathan’s bed. He probably found Nathan’s dazedness _ cute_, or some shit, because his eyes held a certain softness the longer Nathan just blinked at him. It probably didn’t help that Nathan was rubbing his mouth with the pads of his fingers... 

_ Such a fucking cliché... _ Nathan chastised himself, quickly dropping his hand when he realised what he was doing. 

Also, Isac had asked something. Right? 

Nathan’s brain was still booting…

“Hm?” he asked, trying to pretend it was all nonchalant and all that. The amused twitch of Isac’s lips told Nathan that he wasn’t being very successful.

Isac pointedly eyed the closets and shelves lining the walls, before cocking a questioning eyebrow at Nathan. “Can I snoop?”

Nathan tensed for a short second at the question, strangely intense defensiveness and insecurity flaring to the forefront of his mind now, making him suddenly feel a bit more clear headed. Not in a nice way, though... 

And for what? 

Defensive and insecure? On guard? For what?

For some clothes and bedsheets? There was nothing to judge there. Not even if everything wasn’t nicely folded and hung neatly on the hangers. Which they were.

Nathan bit down on his lower lip - which had just been against Isac’s… Shit, focus! - and then consciously shook the tension from his shoulders. Even if Isac had opened the wardrobe to discover an utter catastrophe, he wouldn’t just decide Nathan was gross, all of a sudden.

Probably.

Hopefully.

“Uh, sure?” Nathan said, tugging on the sleeves of his jumper, stretching them over his knuckles. Isac twirled to open the nearest set of doors the moment he heard Nathan’s permission. Nathan found it oddly curious; he probably wouldn’t have even _ thought _ to want to peek into someone’s closets. “Don’t think there’s anything snoop-worthy there, though.”

“What?” Isac asked teasingly from inside the closet, voice a bit muffled due to him already being halfway in it. A row of jackets and shirts swayed back and forth as he poked about. “No secret toy collection?” 

Nathan frowned, and eyed the little plush toy puppy sitting amongst the extra pillows on his bed. He’d had the Husky looking dog since forever, and he kept her around for the sentimental value. And sometimes for cuddles. Whatever. 

Nathan turned back to Isac, to tell him that he had no idea what his parents had done to the rest of his childhood toys. He’d expected Isac to still be digging into the pile of hoodies, but instead he found the older omega looking at him, a truly pained expression on his face.

“What?” Nathan asked, shoulders coming up, tone automatically suspicious and a bit defencive. Had he found something embarrassing? The laundry basket wasn’t in that part of the wardrobe, so it wasn’t like he’d found his dirty clothes, or anything...

“I can’t,” Isac whined after a tense moment, somehow looking both amazed and hurt at the same time. He shook his head, eyes still on Nathan, before sighing exaggeratedly. “You’re just so… Ugh!” 

“What?” Nathan frowned, a whiny tone sneaking into his voice. _ ‘Ugh!’ _ didn’t sound very promising, now did it?

Nathan sat down on the armrest of his recliner chair, arms automatically crossing over his chest and his fingertips pressing into his upper ribs. 

This was confusing... Couldn’t they just go back to the kissing?

Yeah. That had been real nice...

Isac had grabbed a dark green hoodie from the closet and was now pulling it over his head. As if scavenging closets was something he did every day? He was grumbling something to himself, too, as he kicked the doors closed, and then, just as quickly, he was standing right in front of Nathan. 

Isac was scowling, and swimming in the hoodie that was way too big for him. His mouth looked so soft and pink, and Nathan kind of just stared at his lips when he spoke, “I feel like I want to ruin you, but I also feel bad about it because you’re just too fucking sweet, like, fuckin’ hell.” 

Nathan’s eyes snapped back up. Not that it helped, because Isac had already been watching him. 

Honestly, Isac had broken his brain. Nathan swore that he’d been able to think about other things than kissing, just half an hour ago.

“What?” Nathan said again, shoulders still up, even now that Isac was pressing in between his legs. 

“I wasn’t talking about plush toys, Nathan,” Isac said pointedly, watching Nathan’s face as he did. 

“I- Oh,” Nathan said, dumbly. And then he watched how Isac frowned at the recliner’s armrest that was blocking him. Apparently it was in the way, because Isac huffed, and then promptly pushed Nathan down into the actual seat. 

And, sure, that was unexpected. Just like having Isac in his lap, right after, was unexpected. 

What wasn’t unexpected at all, however, was the utter fucking embarrassment that was firing up inside Nathan. 

Like?! _ Fuck..._

He wasn’t an idiot, okay? 

Nathan knew he wasn’t an idiot. And he wasn’t some walking… _ virginal _ stereotype, either! He wouldn’t be. Nathan refused!

He might’ve been in his twenties already, and had literaly only just a few short weeks ago held hands with _ an interest _ for the first time in his stupid fucking life… But he wasn’t, like, like… Agh!

Nathan just didn’t have any of those... _ toys, _ so it wasn’t the first thing to pop into his mind!

God. Isac probably thought he was so lame. How the fuck hadn’t Nathan caught that?

What was he supposed to say now? To- to fix this situation? With his luck, Nathan would probably just manage to make it worse for himself. 

His only relief was that Isac seemed pretty happy about… Well, all of it. But it was easy for Isac to be! Looking like a pleased royalty, sitting on a newly conquered throne.... Not that Nathan minded being this said throne, but- that wasn’t the point!

“Um, ’s just...” Nathan mumbled, feeling hot all over, from the embarrassment but also from the way Isac’s heightened scent was once again surrounding him. It was good to be close to him again. Why had he gone so far in the first place? And now he was wrapped in Nathan’s hoodie, too. Apparently that made Nathan’s mouth wet? Which was fun. Y’know, if worrying about drooling from weird held back excitement could be considered fun. “Never had one of… those. So. Like. Just didn’t think about it...” 

Suddenly, Isac paused, halting the way he had been sneaking his hands up, gently running them over Nathan’s forearms. He looked up sharply, the grey of his eyes intense as their gazes met.

“Wait,” Isac said, fingers curling loosely around Nathan’s wrists. “So, you don’t, like… With a toy?”

“With a toy what?” Nathan asked through his blush. He kept licking his lips, eyes quickly going downcast under the deep attention Isac had on him.

“I mean… You just use your fingers to get off, then?”

Oh god, what…

Also, was he getting turned on?

Fuck. No. Bad! 

_ Fuck’s sake... _What even was this day!?

“Yeah?” Nathan squeaked, throat clicking as he swallowed. 

Was this something people just discussed?

Well, yes. It probably was. For, like, people like Isac and Nathan, who were kind of… trying to be… something?

Oh god, Nathan was someone who talked about getting off, with a person who probably, maybe, wanted to get off with him? Like. At some point. 

Holy shit.

_ What the fuck? _

Isac pursed his mouth, looking genuinely thoughtful. And apparently completely ignoring the fact that Nathan was in a constant state of blush today. Oh gosh. Fuckin’... What was happening? “But… So, you don’t lock when you get off? Unless you’re with an alpha, of course. But, I mean… Not even for solo-heats?”

Nathan had this pretty embarrassing fishmouthing going on, and he just felt so overheated and too excited and a bit anxious and Isac smelled so damn nice and… 

“Never been with an A,” Nathan’s mouth blurted out in a rush. 

A silent eye-contact followed that little admission. 

Okay. Not an eye-contact.

Nathan was looking somewhere around Isac's collarbones, while Isac's gaze burned all over Nathan's face.

“So, you’ve- never locked?” Isac asked. His hold on Nathan’s wrists was tightening a little, and somehow Nathan found himself relaxing deeper into the backrest, just from that alone.

Nathan shook his head, bravely peering up at Isac.

At his mouth, mostly. 

But it was already established that Nathan’s capacity to focus was pretty much zeroed on that now, so…

Either way... He probably should’ve been a bit more worried that his- _ excitement, _would soon be showing up in his scent. Very soon, if he didn’t calm himself somehow. 

“Not... even a toy?” Isac clarified, and he looked…

Almost fierce?

Also handsome? 

What the fuck, Nathan was really casually chatting about _ locking _ with this gorgeous human being. The prettiest omega, and somehow Nathan had managed to get him _ here_. With him. Like _ this. _

Nathan didn’t even dare to think about the fact that there were also two very real, very _ alpha _guys involved in this equation. Like. So involved that it was more of a continuity of… this. A seamless extension. They were there, even without being present.

The tentative coil of a pack bond hung over them like a question.

Nathan had to remind himself to breathe.

“Never really done… anything?” Nathan cleared his throat, his voice gone hoarse and weak. “Um… Even the- like, the kissing thing? Kinda, really new... ” He looked to the side, nervously wetting his lips. He couldn’t stand the eye contact, at all, but he also couldn’t help but ask, “Is that, um… ok?”

He knew it was okay, but… 

Still.

Could be, like, an annoyance? Or a turn off… 

Nathan had seen someone write that virgins were a waste of time when it came to sex. Nobody had time for that. Why date someone who you’d have to teach sex, when you could just have someone who already knew their shit? And, if someone was still a virgin in their twenties, it was probably better to run the other way anyway, because clearly they were somehow fucked up.

Nathan had clicked away from that forum pretty damn quickly.

Not that it had helped much, at that point, the damage already done...

When Nathan risked a glance back up, Isac’s eyes were all blown dark. He had a flush high on his cheeks and his mouth was ajar.

A thin sound, a mixture of a whine and a growl, scraped out past Isac’s teeth. His scent spiked, again, but this time it wasn’t for scenting.

Isac pressed closer, hands moving up on Nathan’s arms. There was an edge to his urgency. 

“You’re going to love it,” Isac said against Nathan’s ear, breathlessly, his hands squeezing Nathan’s biceps. “Fuck. It’s going to feel so good, you have no idea. The first time is always ridiculous, I can’t even, _ fuck_... That’s going to be so hot.”

Nathan couldn’t help the way he squirmed, or the way he instinctively tilted his head back, to look up to Isac’s eyes. Nathan's gaze was helplessly imploring, almost as if he was searching for some sort of confirmation, or support, even. Nathan didn’t know what it was exactly, but the way Isac kept holding onto him was already giving him exactly what he felt like he needed in that moment. 

“Yeah?” Nathan managed to ask, his breathing picking up a bit. His own scent was definitely doing things now, too, and he didn’t have the excuse of a pre-heat to lean on.

“Think, like, coming, but times fifteen,” Isac hushed, and then hissed a little like he was hurting. “Ugh, why is that turning me on so bad. Fuck. Sorry if that’s weird. And too much. Just. Fuck. Sorry.”

Nathan was too busy shaking his head before Isac even finished.

Like… _ Nathan _ was turning _ Isac _ on?

Fucking… how!?

Had this O never seen _ himself? _

“Please, tell me to fuck off if… Just…” Isac frowned, shifting on Nathan’s thighs a little. The fabric of the recliner creaked under the pressure, and once again, Nathan was floored by how _ real _this was. “Can I kiss you again?”

Nathan’s breath hitched, and he was sure that the way his eyes widened was obvious. 

Isac just watched him though, waiting for his response, while petting Nathan’s neck and shoulders with the palms of his hands. The pressure was all too lovely and _ new _ over Nathan’s scent glands and his sensitised skin, even through the material of his jumper. And fuck. Nathan rarely even noticed his glands outside his heats, but somehow they now seemed to know it was someone else touching them.

With a swallow that bobbed his throat, Nathan dropped his eyes down to Isac’s lips.

Hesitantly, but with a firmly made up mind, he nodded.

\- 

“Why do you always say I should tell you to fuck off?” Nathan asked, a long while later, when the flat was already way too dark to not have any lights switched on. 

They hadn’t moved from the chair, and Isac didn’t seem like he was planning on letting Nathan go anytime soon. Apparently - according to Isac; said in between the _ kissing _ \- he wasn’t really looking forward to having Nathan go away. _Apparently,_ Isac was now used to having him around, and it was very rude of Nathan to just piss off like this. 

It probably hadn’t been that offensive to Isac though, because right after saying that, he had leaned into Nathan’s neck, and grumpily nuzzled his scent there. And... Yeah. Despite the heated way they’d stumbled to that point, the kiss - _ kisses _ \- had been amazingly gentle and careful. The scenting, too.

Nathan still felt too awkward, too self-conscious and cautious, to return the gesture, but fuck, if the yearning to do that didn’t burn high. 

He had often heard that a good scenting could be compared to a drawn out orgasm, but Nathan was trying to avoid thinking about anything related to those… 

For safety reasons.

Before today, Nathan hadn’t actually been turned on by _ a real living person he personally knew and liked, _ and he was still trying to catch up with that shit-show. Turned out there was a big gap between a raunchy daydream and reality… Such as the fact that Nathan rarely thought about _ himself _in that setting.

Because… why would he think about himself? He was the least arousing thing ever.

Which… Yeah. Maybe Isac was confused?

Could scents be faked?

Oh god, what if scents could-

“So you know that you can tell me to fuck off, obviously,” Isac huffed, effectively cutting off Nathan’s self-doubt spiral. “I know I’m a bit all over the place, but I don’t ever want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Nathan wasn’t uncomfortable! 

No! He was too busy being embarrassing and- and lame! And uncomfortable because of his stupid fucking brain! Not because of- of Isac! Or other people in general.

Nathan really wished he knew what his face was doing most of the time, so he could understand what kind of freak he was showing to the world...

“Well, I don’t want you to. Fuck off, I mean. So,” Nathan said, shrugging. He carefully curled his fingers into Isac’s hips, his hands having ended up there at some point. Touching was so weird, man. 

Like? 

Touching was the epitome of real?

Touching someone was _ real _ proof that there was existence outside Nathan’s head.

And that that existence could be_ safe. _

It could be _ good. _

Isac was frowning a little, looking down to where he was playing with the neckline of Nathan’s jumper. His fingers were soft whenever they dipped to trace over the skin of his throat.

“I didn’t mean to go all filthy on you. With all the talk, like,” Isac said, a regretful wrinkle appearing in between his brows. And, before Nathan had the chance to worry about Isac thinking this had all been a mistake, he continued, “Sorry if that was too much. Really. Should’ve checked first. Have a proper chat, and all that.”

“No, I… Y’know. I don’t mind,” Nathan said quickly. Because he did not mind. At all. Not even a little. “You can, like… say stuff?” Nathan shrugged awkwardly, chin instinctively ducking down to hide the fresh flush rising on his face. It didn’t do much, considering how Isac was already pressed against him, and the new position just brought their faces closer together. “’m a virgin, not a nun.”

A dangerous curl started to stretch the corners of Isac’s mouth at that.

_ Uh-oh. _

“Is that so?”

“W-well, I mean,” Nathan stuttered, fingers twisting helplessly around the fabric of his own hoodie, which Isac was wearing. For some reason he was feeling the need to prove that he wasn’t completely inexperienced. Because… He had a lot of experience! In his head. On a theoretical level. “I know stuff. Like, _ the _ stuff. I have- I’m not all innocent, or, or whatever.”

Isac’s sweet smile was absolutely terrifying, “Babe. You thought I was talking about plush toys.”

Nathan frowned. And then cleared his throat, gaze skittering to the side. What could he say to that?

His face felt crimson. Again. Also, Isac called him _ babe_. Again. Hngh.

“Ohh, the As would lose it,” Isac chuckled suddenly, and when Nathan blinked to look at him, he added with an easy smile, “You don’t have to tell them anything you don’t want, don’t worry about it. I’m just imagining their stupid faces.” Isac probably read something on _ Nathan’s _ face, too, because he went on to say, “Seriously. No rush. Whenever you feel like it. Or never. Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

It really didn’t feel like something that he should never mention. However, _ ever _ mentioning it out loud, _ again, _didn’t seem very fun either. 

This time had been an accident.

How had they even ended up talking about this? 

How had they ended up sitting in the dark, only the dull edges of the streetlights filtering into the flat… How had Isac ended up in Nathan’s lap, kissing his mouth, his jaw, his cheeks... Even ever so softly over his eyelids, after Nathan'd had to close his eyes to contain the_ too-good _ overwhelm. 

How?

Isac pressed his forehead against Nathan’s, and just like that, so insanely easily, he reeled Nathan's attention back to the present. It was so simple, and felt so natural when Isac did it... As if it was some effortless party trick he’d figured out.

Sitting so close together in the darkness of the flat, Nathan couldn’t focus on Isac’s eyes properly, and the grey of his irises turned into blurry clouds. Nathan could feel Isac’s breath against his mouth, but it felt way too bold and nerve wracking to tilt his chin up to initiate anything. 

In the end, Nathan just licked his lips, swallowing the mixture of nerves and disappointment over not having the guts. 

Maybe it was better… He really needed all his guts to finish this conversation.

“Um, y’know, maybe it’d be better if… If they knew that I haven’t really- done anything?” Nathan said, feeling unsure, but like… it was okay to be unsure? Because… Maybe they should know. Like, even if Nathan still couldn’t fully believe that this relationship of theirs was starting to become _ an actual thing_… Maybe. Yeah. They probably should know. Then they’d know to expect it, if Nathan ever fucked up something really basic? “But I don’t… I mean. Where would something like that even come up?” Nathan frowned for a quiet moment, before carefully continuing, “Would it be weird if you… Like, if you...”

_ Fuck’s sake... _

“If I mentioned it?” Isac finished for him, when the words refused to come out. Nathan nodded, feeling both relieved and embarrassed as he glanced up at Isac. “No, I don’t think it’d be weird. I can do that. But I do think it’s something we might want to chat a bit more about, if it becomes… Relevant.”

Nathan bit down on his bottom lip, his insides feeling hot and buzzing just from thinking when and why something like that would be relevant.

He was being weird again. And lame… 

Gosh, he really was. Other people probably barely even blinked an eye at something like this. Sex was so normal to them. And here Nathan was, struggling to even put _ himself _ into the context of… sex.

Nathan was probably the least sexual being on this planet. Like, he did get off and all that, sometimes, but why would anyone find any of _ that… _ a turn on? It was just _ him. _

Over twenty years it had been just him. Doing mundane stuff. Alone. With his mundane body.

_ Sexy _ was the last thing Nathan would think about when he was brushing his teeth in front of a mirror. Or when he was washing sweat and grime off of himself in the shower after a run. Or when he was putting on deodorant. Or eating...

And those didn’t even directly touch on _ the bits _ that were actually needed for the- sex stuffs…

When Nathan looked at himself, he mostly just saw an ok enough face, and then… Like. Awkward bodily functions? 

What was sexy about that?

But... why wasn’t he thinking about those when he thought about Isac? Or Liam. Or Kit.

They…

Well. They were all really fit, so maybe that was why. Simple enough? 

“Yeah. Um, if it’s not weird? You mentioning it, I mean. ‘Cause... Feels a bit weird?” Nathan said, but Isac just shook his head as an answer to that, smiling a little. So, maybe it wasn’t? It probably still was. Right? “Okay, well… Just… Okay.” 

“Okay,” Isac said. And then, twisting Nathan’s insides with the watchful look in his eyes, Isac continued: “So… If I can_ ‘like... say stuff’,_ I think I should let you know that I’m one hundred percent going to use this to get fucked tonight.”

_ Wh- _

_ Oh my f- _

“W-what?” Nathan sputtered, the question crumbling on his tongue and coming out thin. 

Isac was watching him, keeping an eye on the way the words landed. In that moment, Nathan felt like Isac could see right through him. It made him want to squirm. 

And stop moving. 

And stop breathing. 

But also absolutely not stop breathing because Isac’s scent was so fucking _ amazing. _

“Yeah,” Isac said, pressing a bit closer, “No way they can handle hearing that you’re a ripe wee thing who’s never been caught on a knot.” Nathan couldn’t do anything but stare at Isac’s mouth, licking his own lips as if it was a reflex. How could something be so… terrifyingly embarrassingly _ hot? _And Isac wasn’t done, and Nathan couldn’t tell if he hated or loved him for that. “Yeah. No way. Not without them needing to wet a lock.”

A soft, strangled whine pushed its way up Nathan’s throat.

Isac smiled sweetly. “I’ll tell you all about it, okay?” he said, as if talking about going on a trip, or to the cinema, or, or something! 

Nathan had to force air into his lungs, but he found himself nodding, helplessly, and almost greedily.

“Please?” his mouth allowed to escape, and Isac’s eyes immediately darkened.

Fuck. Why had he said that? It was like he couldn’t help it, starting to get so worked up again that his body was definitely heating with it.

There was a tense, heavy pause that tingled all over Nathan’s body. Isac was so warm and fuck, yes, _ real _on top of him, his weight a reminder of how new and… exciting it felt to be so close like this. 

It all just kept building and building, until...

Isac blinked, tension bleeding from the set of his shoulders. He seemed to shake himself, his blown pupils quickly starting to settle back into something more controlled.

“Okay,” Isac said, a bit dazedly, maybe, but also- pleased? No. Content? 

Before Nathan could figure it out, Isac kissed him on the cheek. It was so chaste and so darling, that, for a moment, Nathan almost believed he had hallucinated the previous messy provocativeness of their conversation. 

“C’mon then, I’ll help you pack!” Isac said, sitting up straight, and starting to make his way out of the chair. 

Pack? 

Nathan’s stuff, or his melted brain from the floor, to force it back into his head?

“Up!” Isac commanded, grabbing onto Nathan’s hands to pull him to his feet. “Up, up! Work first, and then we’ll do nothing but eat and watch _ Netflix _. What do you need to take with you?”

Nathan stumbled up, feeling a bit dizzy with all of this. 

Right. He did have to pack. But Nathan had thought he would do it once Isac had gone home, so they wouldn’t have to waste time on that? 

But then Isac was letting go of Nathan’s hands to hug him. And then he was spinning around? And the lights were suddenly on, Nathan’s eyes squinting against the harshness of them. And then Isac was already back by Nathan’s closet, looking- expectant?

“Um, you don’t have to do anything?” Nathan said in confusion, trying to keep up. “Just… sit down? It won’t take me long. D’you want tea or something, though?” 

“But I wanna help,” Isac whined, flailing his arms dramatically, flapping the sleeves of his stolen hoodie. “Gimme stuff and I’ll put it in your bag?”

Nathan stared at Isac for a short puzzled moment.

“Well. Uh… Okay?” he said slowly, looking for any indication that Isac was just… Pretending? Or something? Hell, if Nathan knew what this was. 

Maybe Isac did genuinely want to help. Nathan would always try to help when visiting someone, too, but… That was different. If Nathan just sat around, he’d feel like he was being lazy and rude. But allowing Isac to help… also felt a bit like Nathan was being lazy and rude?

Because that made so much sense!

Nathan sighed inwardly, and then nodded when Isac pointed at the closet questioningly.

“Great! Which bag are you taking?” Isac asked, opening the doors, and somehow seeming to be genuinely excited? He still looked a bit tired, the smudges under his eyes just as dark as before, and he seemed to have a permanent flush sitting on the highs of his cheekbones. 

But apparently, despite his obvious tiredness, this was how Isac wanted to spend his evening? 

In some curious way - even after taking into account their previous, uh, _ activities _ \- working together to pick clothes for Nathan’s trip, felt like one of the most intimate things Nathan had ever experienced.

He wasn’t sure why Isac wanted to do it, but... Maybe Nathan could just enjoy it, _this whole day,_ as something that felt nice? 

Yeah...

_ Nice. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyy, Izzy you sneaky lil beast. I see what u doin, checking where the runt is at...👀  
Okay, nah, haha! Not really, or at least he's not doing it consciously. Also, Isac got a bit more excited there than he’d planned (could blame his pre-heat a bit). But I doubt he regrettos anything, not after Nathan was so into it too lol. Dumb bois.
> 
> -
> 
> Um. Well. I hope you enjoyed this one? Just in general, but also because the second part is gonna be… honestly pretty rough. Which you probably guessed already. But let's worry about that when the time comes.<3
> 
> I wanted this part to be a bit lighter, to balance out the not-so-nice NATHAN chapters, but also to write a bit more about how physical (sexual or non-sexual) touch can really help bringing the mind back to the current moment and into ones body. I mean, it's a bit hidden underneath all the dumb boy stuff, but yeah.🤓
> 
> -
> 
> A gentle anti-shoutout to Nathan for having so many negative thoughts about himself and his coping mechanisms! Be kind to yourself son!  
A massive shoutout to Nathan for having a reverse existential crisis: Yes, you are real! Yes! You really do exist! And yes! 
> 
> YOU matter. So damn much!
> 
> xx
> 
> -
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this chapter... Seriously, Thank You for all the kind messages and comments and support I have been getting. You really helped with this chapter. Thank you<3  
-
> 
> This one is constructed very differently. Hopefully it makes sense why I decided to write and style the narrative like this. And hopefully the messiness, the stiltedness, and the wonky sense of time comes through without things being too confusing to follow. 
> 
> (Please, read the tags. Special warning for: Emotional Abuse, Verbal Abuse, Indirect Abuse, Witnessing Abuse, Emotional Neglect, Body-Shaming Language, Abandonment, Trauma, Re-Traumatising, Anxiety.)

2/2

NATHAN

It would probably always be strange that Nathan was now taller than his mum.

“I’m so excited you’re back! My baby!” mum exclaimed into his shoulder, hugging him tightly. “We should cook something nice! What’d you like? Let’s go to the shops on the way home.”

The station was busy around them. Nathan had slept barely a wink the previous night and he could never sleep on the train. He was exhausted, he wanted to get home and shower, but it was really nice to see his mum. She looked so happy to see him.

It was good.

“Yeah,” Nathan said. He hugged her back, inhaling her familiar muted betan scent. “Can’t think of anything now, but let’s go see. But quick shopping, yeah?” He breathed out a laugh. “I need a nap.”

“You're always sleeping nowadays, Napper,” mum hummed, kissing his cheek. “Still can’t sleep on the train though?”

“Nope,” Nathan said, wrinkling his nose when mum smudged the lipstick stain off of Nathan’s face. “Too busy, ‘s hard to relax.”

She hooked her arm around Nathan’s.

“Luckily you’re on a break now! You can finally have a breather from uni. I know how hard you’ve been working -” 

-

“Pistachios or pretzels?” Nathan asked, holding up the bags of roasted pistachios and salted pretzels.

“Both!” his mum grinned. 

“We don’t have to get both,” Nathan said with amusement. “You don’t even like these that much.”

His mum pulled the treats from his hands and dropped them in their trolley.

“Holiday treat. Now. Where’s the baking paper...”

-

The first two days were fine. 

It was always alright until it wasn’t.

But that was alright, too. 

That was just normal.

-

Nathan slowly noticed that just being in his childhood bedroom was making him want to stay curled up in a book. 

It creeped up on him... the familiar dull walls. Walls that made sure he wasn’t really feeling much anything. Nathan didn’t notice it in the moment, really. Why would he? 

It _ felt like home_, because he was _ home. _

And he just kept getting distracted, kept losing time…

Only after, looking back, Nathan saw the subtle chain-link reaction: this house, this room, these sounds, can’t relax, can’t leave, find something to escape to. Be quiet. Don’t react. 

Don’t exist.

Yeah.

It wasn’t something he could feel in the moment.

-

Nathan had to exist.

His mum kept asking him to do things, which was of course natural and completely fine. 

It made Nathan feel bad, the way it was making him irritated.

He wanted to just be left in peace. He wanted to focus on the book, and his mum kept coming up with things she wanted to get done or go do with him. 

Nathan felt so detached. He felt off.

Not like him. _ The him _ he had been getting to know a little for a while now.

He knew he was turning inwards, but he couldn’t tell where the line between him and his mum went. 

He couldn’t say no to anything. He didn’t want to fight.

She’d get annoyed. Saying no would mean Nathan was being selfish, anyway. 

He already felt selfish, because he didn’t want to do anything. 

He just wanted to stay in his room. 

He just wanted to be quiet. 

He wanted to be left alone.

-

Nathan was right back to exactly where he had been working on not being anymore; on his own, in the solitude of his own head.

-

Nathan cleaned after himself. 

He’d feel anxious if he didn’t, so even if he really didn’t feel like it, he’d empty the dishwasher, just in case.

‘_No one cares about what I want! I have to do everything, _ everything! _ It’s all on me! I clean all the shit you leave behind and you just sit on your arse all day!”_

It annoyed him, kind of made him want to not do it, just out of principle. 

But then he felt like an arsehole, because he knew it meant a lot to his mum that things were in order.

If he just did it quickly, he could watch the new nature documentary on _ Netflix _, after.

It wouldn’t take him long. Yet it still felt gross in his body to make himself do it. 

Nathan didn’t want to.

Wasn’t he supposed to want to?

_“Why should I tolerate having a useless husband like you? Why do you stick around then, huh? Must be nice to have your own personal servant? Is that it? You want me to literally clean your shit, too? Is that how lazy you are?!”_

Maybe he was a disgusting person, for not doing things _ because _ he wanted to help his mum. 

Yeah. 

Maybe. 

-

It wasn’t that bad.

Nathan had probably been overreacting and too sensitive all these months.

He wasn’t even upset now, so how could it be so bad? He didn’t feel bad. It was fine? 

He didn’t feel anything, really. Just a familiar dull distance.

That was good. Right?

Maybe he had made the things in the past seem bigger and worse they had actually been.

Things were just the same now, and Nathan was fine.

It was exactly the same.

Nothing had changed.

It wasn’t that bad.

He was fine.

If it was bad, he would feel bad.

Nothing had changed.

It was fine.

It was fine.

It was fine.

-

Mum kept on assuming that Nathan wanted to do all these things with her. They were things that were supposed to be fun, after all. Things he was _ supposed to _ want to do.

Shopping. Visiting relatives. Organising his old wardrobe. Cinema. Dishes and laundry. Watching telly. Hoover. Groceries. Going for a walk.

It was all normal things. It shouldn’t have been a problem.

Why did it bother Nathan so much how… Well.

She just forgot to actually ask Nathan about any of it? 

But she didn’t have to ask. She was mum.

Right?

As if the second Nathan had gotten through the door, his mum felt like she had her extra arm back. Her wants were his wants, and if he resisted, she’d be upset. 

He’d make her feel bad. 

Nathan would be selfish. 

He would be lazy. 

_ ‘Your life will be very difficult if you keep being like this, Nathan!’_

Not that most of this was said out loud. At least, not like it had been when Nathan had still been in touch more often. 

It was all in the tense silences. In the passive micro-behaviours. Between the lines. Memories from the past. Fights that were still going, carrying on over the years.

_ ‘It might be fine now that you’re only thirteen, but trust me, no one will tolerate this behaviour in a few years! Do you want that? Do you want to end up like your father?’ _

It was hard not to doubt himself. Nothing was clean cut, ever. If Nathan’s mum said she felt a certain way because of what Nathan had done, or hadn't done, that’s how she must’ve felt. 

That must’ve been true.

_ ‘You have to start giving a shit about other people, Nathan! I didn’t raise you to be like this!’_

If Nathan said, “I don’t want to, right now”, his mum got upset. 

She would say how this was why she never asked anything of him anymore. How he was so easy to anger and snap. How she was _ scared _ to ask because Nathan would just get angry.

The thought of anyone being afraid of him was physically choking. 

Nathan hated that. That was the last thing he wanted to be, yet… 

He had been irritated. He had been anxious. Maybe he had snapped too hard? Maybe he wasn’t as nice as he always tried to be. He had just wanted to be left alone. The books held less tension in the pages. 

Maybe he really was a toxic person? 

Maybe that was why he had never had a lot of friends around him. Maybe he _ was _ mean and inconsiderate and _ bad _ and -

-

“I’ll do it a bit later, yeah? I’m in the middle of something,” Nathan said, typing a reply to Lucy. She was telling him about a funny customer, and getting horribly sidetracked from her story to playfully gush about Antonne. She hadn’t talked to the him yet, but was planning to. 

A few moments later Nathan looked up from his phone. 

His mum was huffing, quietly fuming as she aggressively emptied the trash. She stomped to the front door, the trash bin clanking loudly.

“But... Why are you taking it now? I said I’d do it?” Nathan asked, fingers automatically squeezing his phone because he knew how this would go. 

It was always the same. 

Why hadn’t he just done it right away? Why was he so lazy? 

Why didn’t he want to do it, didn’t want to be nice to his mum?

Texting wasn’t that important.

“Why can’t you guys never do anything when I ask?” she growled, apparently talking to Nathan’s dad too, who wasn’t there. “No point asking, should just do everything myself! No one ever does something just to be nice to me! Why should - !”

-

Dad was a very skinny guy.

His body shape was similar to Nathan’s, but he was even taller and much more bony. It wasn’t a healthy weight for a beta man his size, and the doctors always urged him to take better care. 

The doctors had told him the same thing when he had been overweight. That had been years ago, when Nathan was younger. Before that, again, underweight.

He didn’t look _ bad _, to Nathan. It was just how his dad looked. But it did make him uncomfortable. 

Because...

Nathan didn’t want to be like dad. 

He wanted to be anything but. Rationally, there was nothing _ wrong _ with how dad _looked._ Not now, not when he had been on the heavier side, and not when he had been in the healthy weight range. 

It was unhealthy to be at either extreme, sure, but he was just a person. It wasn’t a crime to look a certain way, big or average or small, even if it was always better to work on being _ healthier_. 

“People will think there’s something wrong with you!”

“Why don’t you take care of yourself! It’s so unhealthy, you know what the doctors have said. I’m just trying to help!” 

“You do nothing but snore and smell, all day everyday! You’d think someone like you wouldn’t snore. Isn’t that usually an issue when there’s _too_ _much_ weight?” 

“_God, _I hate being seen with him... You always look so nice. My perfect lad… At least I managed to do something right as a mum…"

“It’s embarrassing! How can you leave the house like that?” 

“Aren’t you ashamed?!”

“Hygiene isn’t a joke.” 

“When did you even change your shirt? Last month?” 

“Seriously, get help!”

_ ‘You’re just like your father!’_

-

From Liam: _ Heyy, haven’t heard from you in a bit! :) Did you get home alright? x _

-

“Nathan, baby,” his mum called. She didn’t sound upset anymore. How that was possible, Nathan wasn’t sure. She’d been so angry earlier... It was always like this. There was no resolve. No apologies. No one talked and everything just continued on as if nothing had happened. “Where are you?”

“In my room,” Nathan called back. His back felt stiff. 

“Come here,” She mock-whined playfully, “You’re away for a whole year and then won’t even hang out with me! Please, come sit with me, Napper.”

Nathan huffed out a laugh and heaved himself up. 

She had the telly on in the background, a phone in her hand, and she smiled when Nathan walked in.

“Look, I made us a platter!” she said, gesturing at the arrangement of sweet and savoury snacks, and the drinks on the coffee table. Nathan instantly spotted his favourite weakness, salted pretzels.

“Awesome!” Nathan grinned, dropping to sit down by the table, legs crossing under it. 

“What’s this show?” he asked, popping a pretzel in his mouth. He chewed slowly and quietly, knowing mum hated the sound of food scrunching in someone’s mouth. 

She had never pointed it out to Nathan, but if the way she screeched at dad about it was anything to go by, there was no way it wasn’t disgusting when it was Nathan doing it, too. 

“Some comedy thing. Turn it up a bit so we can hear better,” mum replied with a shrug. She then gently poked at Nathan’s shoulder with her phone, “_ Oreo _ please...” and when Nathan lifted the small bowl of cookies towards her, she cheered, “Yay! Thank you!”

Nathan didn’t have a telly at his flat, and he mostly watched _Netflix_ or _YouTube_ anyway. He reached for the remote and upped the volume, the panel show audience’s clapping filling the living room.

“Is that the actor who was in the show you used to watch?” Nathan asked after a while, eyeing the vaguely familiar looking man on the screen. 

His mum looked up from her phone, squinting at the telly, “Hm, I don’t... maybe? He looks familiar. That is one big beard, though!”

Nathan breathed a short amused laugh through his nose.

He sneaked another pretzel in between his teeth, the salt crystals exploding on his tongue. The audience clapped again.

-

How was it Tuesday already?

-

How was it only Tuesday?

-

“You doing okay at uni, Nat?” dad asked, standing in Nathan’s doorway, pulling his jacket on.

“Yeah,” Nathan said with a shrug, and closed his _ WhatsApp _ chat with Isac, looking up. “Nothing new, really. I just handed in my essays.”

“That’s good,” dad said, hands in his pockets. His shoes were worn out. ‘_Embarrassing...’ ‘Nasty...’ _ His car keys jingled as he moved. “You’re a smart lad. We’ve never had to worry about your grades, you always do well.”

“Yeah,” Nathan said.

“Right. Well...” dad said. “I’m off, then.” He tilted his head towards the kitchen. “I made food, it’s on the stove.”

Nathan knew he had cooked. 

Nathan also knew there was going to be a mess in the kitchen. 

Nathan knew he would have to go clean it. 

He didn’t want to. He didn’t even want to eat dad's food.

Nathan was horrible.

“Okay, thanks,” Nathan said.

“See you later,” dad said.

“Yeah,” Nathan said. 

-

From Liam: _ Look!! I did almost ten around the worlds before Kit started messing with me!!! _

From Nathan: _ oooo very nice!! _

From Nathan: _ where did you get the pink football :D _

From Liam: _ Might have sneaked one from a charity event a couple of years ago. Oops? _

-

"Nathan?" mum called. "Where did you go, love?"

-

From Kit: _ did you see the vid?? loololll _

From Nathan: _ let him playyy hahaha _

From Kit: _ but its cute when he gets all pout-y _🥺

From Nathan: _ okay yeah, true lol _

-

From Liam: _ You think I’m cute?👀 _

-

Nathan blinked. 

“It’s Sammy’s birthday next Saturday, isn’t it?” his mum wondered out loud, scrolling on her phone at the end of the kitchen table. “Not this week, but the next? Always a week after your dad’s?” 

He paused, and then... shrugged.

“We should get him something,” mum said, looking up at Nathan. 

Nathan distantly realised he was thinking about leaving the room. 

There was a weird pressure sitting low in his stomach. 

Gosh, he was so childish... 

“Maybe not a gift card this year, that’s what we gave him last time, wasn’t it? And it’s not like that family needs money.” She rolled her eyes. Nathan stayed quiet. He wasn’t sure if it was on purpose. Although, what would he even say? “You can take the present to him, when you go back down. Maybe something small enough, so it’s not hard to carry?”

Nathan shrugged again, fingers tracing the edges of his phone case.

“Well? What should we get him?” mum pressed, and Nathan could almost feel how something in him clicked shut at the urging tone.

“I don’t know, mum,” Nathan said. 

He didn’t. He had no idea what Sammy would want for his birthday. 

He didn’t really want to see him at all, but could he ever say that out loud? Of course not, that would’ve been rude. 

Sammy wasn’t the worst. He wasn’t horrible, either. Nathan had his reasons for not wanting to see him, the trust gone. Seeing him just made Nathan remember that he, Nathan, was a burden. Sammy had been better off without him. Nathan had taken too much space. 

It was Sammy’s place, Sammy’s home. He could do what he wanted with it. He decided who he wanted around.

Nathan was being stupid about it. And, yeah, so childish. 

Sammy should still get birthday presents from family. Just because Nathan felt a bit iffy around him, didn’t mean he wouldn’t deliver his presents... Especially when his mum always made a big deal about getting something nice for Sammy. 

“Hey. It can’t always be me coming up with these things! Sammy’s your cousin. You know him better than I do,” his mum kept pressing. Nathan needed to leave but he couldn’t move. Well, physically he could. But he _ couldn’t _. If he left now, it’d be worse. How was this even such a big deal? Why was he reacting so strongly? “What’d you get him? Or should we drive down, take him out for dinner? Maybe... What does he like, usually?”

_ I don’t know. _

Why does she care so much?

_ I don’t know. _

_ I want to leave. _

Can’t leave.

“I don’t know,” Nathan said, staring at his lap. He didn’t know. But that wasn’t the right answer. He still didn’t know. “Maybe a gift card would still be nice?”

“I just said we’re not getting him another gift card... Nathan, why can’t you ever- ” she sighed, sounding so frustrated. So disappointed, and like Nathan had made her sad again. “You just don’t want to spend time thinking about it, is that it? Would it be so hard for once to do something nice for someone else?” 

Lazy. Not nice. Inconsiderate. Bad. Doing it wrong. Mean. 

It was a seamless continuity to the earlier conflicts from the day, the week, the months, the years... As if it was never finished. And it hadn’t finished. 

“No,” Nathan said, voice thinning defensively. “I just- I’m just not really that close with Sammy anymore, and -”

“That’s not a reason.” It was almost audible, the _ click-snap _ of his mum’s frustration peaking, “I don’t understand how you grew up to be so inconsiderate. You can’t live your life only thinking about yourself, you know this, Nathan. It’s going to be a very hard life like that, and it’s for sure not how you make and keep friends.” 

Right.

“You’ve been saying you always struggle with that, but you have to make an effort if you want people to make an effort with you. No one’s going to just come and get you. No mater how long you sit around at home, waiting. You have to show up for others, too.” 

Nathan just stared at the kitchen wall, his mum’s voice growing more annoyed and frustrated with each word.

He didn’t get how she was pulling in all these things that really didn’t seem relevant to the conversation, but... 

Well, they still kind of were? 

Nathan’s mum knew him the best, had seen him through growing up and had taught him almost everything he knew. 

She loved him, and she knew what he was like. She had literally _ made _him.

If she said he was being selfish, then that must’ve been true. 

Nathan _ was _ always thinking about himself. He _ was _stuck in his own head, and he had very little need to not be stuck there. He was used to being alone, after all. 

Yeah. 

It was no wonder he couldn’t keep friends. He was too focused on his own self, all the time. Of course someone like that wasn’t nice to be around.

It still wasn’t good to hear his mum use these things against him like this. 

Nathan knew she didn’t mean it like that, didn’t say these things to hurt him. But... She probably also knew he couldn’t really dispute what was said. She must’ve. She wasn’t stupid. She was skirting the line where what she was saying was correct enough that Nathan couldn’t... he couldn’t defend himself. 

There was no point, anyway. It was all true. His mum knew him too well.

Nathan was acutely aware that because he wasn’t saying anything, it was making all this worse. 

But if he did say something, she’d just fuel up on it; look like she grew in size as she attacked whatever Nathan tried to say. _ Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. _

Nathan couldn’t tell how they had ended up here again. 

Was this topic really worth this amount of frustration and fighting? 

What was the topic, even? 

Were the dirty dishes ever worth the amount of screaming they caused? Was the full trash can worth the whole day of tension and slamming doors? 

Maybe they were. 

If Nathan had just... done what she wanted, maybe she wouldn’t have to yell so much? 

Maybe if he wasn’t so lazy... Maybe if he just wanted to do the things his mum had planned for them... Maybe if he didn’t feel so irritated… Maybe if he was different... Maybe... 

Maybe Nathan wouldn’t always be so bad, if he just knew how to do what she wanted, or when she wanted. 

It shouldn’t be so hard to do nice things for her. She wouldn’t have to get angry, if Nathan just thought about others more, more often.

And why was he being so childish, so selfish, over something stupid like Sammy’s present?

Just because Nathan had only gotten a text, late in the evening of his birthday this year, that shouldn’t make him feel so bad. 

His mum was busy, and Nathan knew she loved him without having to get presents to confirm it. The two of them were solid like that. Not everyone had a secure relationship like that. 

His dad had texted a day late. An honest accident, it happened. 

Nathan really should just get over it.

He wasn’t a child. 

He had stopped celebrating his own birthdays years ago, anyway.

-

"Where are you?"

Everything felt surreal. 

Nathan's muscles ached from his run.

"Nathan, are you still in the shower?"

The knock on the door echoed in the humid bathroom.

Nathan squeezed his eyes shut.

"That's enough! You can't waste so much water!"

Nathan didn't answer. He just sat on the chilled tiles, too hot water turning his skin pink.

Just a few minutes later, mum banged at the door again.

-

On Wednesday, Nathan lost the day for the endless pages of a book. 

He read and read, only pulling back to the real world when he realised he had to pee so bad it hurt. 

He was also hungry, his stomach grumbling. He’d had breakfast but couldn’t for the life of him remember what it had been. He had already been reading by then.

At some point Nathan had finally wandered to the loo, dazed, and half a brain remaining within the book. He couldn’t really remember what he had been reading.

And then he snapped at his dad, suddenly irritated by how loud he had the telly on. There was also a mess in the sink after dad had shaved. 

Mum would be mad. She never shut up. Was dad doing this on purpose? Clean it up! Turn it down!

Nathan didn’t want to have any part in it, but if he said it first, maybe she wouldn’t freak out on them.

_‘Why are you trying to be your mum? You don’t tell me what to do, you are nine years old. You’re a child, so don’t get started with me.’_

She heard their hushed conversation though, even from across the house. 

She took Nathan’s words as a justification to start berating dad about it. Nathan was right, so she now had the right to double down on dad about it. Because she was right, and Nathan was right. And soon the things she was talking about, yelling about, where things from years ago, unrelated and confusing. But she was allowed to say these things. Nathan agreed, right? Nathan knew his dad was useless, right? Even Nathan could tell all dad ever did was leave a mess. Wasn’t that embarrassing? Your own child is more mature than you are. 

Nathan had pointed it out himself, so mum was right again.

She was always right. 

And Nathan felt so bad all of a sudden. 

For snapping, for being so irritated, for the look his dad gave him that repeated what he had sometimes said out loud. _ ‘Thanks for that.’ _ And, _ ‘Stop copying your mother.’ _

Nathan didn’t mean to. 

And now it was his fault mum was yelling again.

It wasn’t even about dad, why Nathan had snapped at him. 

The bathroom was fine. 

But it made Nathan anxious.

The telly was fine.

But it made Nathan feel like everything was wrong.

Nathan just wanted everything to be quiet. He needed quiet.

_ ‘Just like your dad! I don’t want your life to be a shitshow like his!’ _

_ ‘Trying to be just like that crazy woman. Why’d you even want that? And Nathan? I’m the parent here. Show some respect.’_

Bad. 

Both were bad, according to the two most important people in his life. People he owed everything. People he trusted. 

Both were horrible, bad, not right, disgusting… and Nathan was both of them. _ Just _ like both of them.

He was bad.

And he couldn’t handle the bad, the yelling, the stonewalling, the anger, the tension, the _ hurt, _ and Nathan shut his mind off, escaping into the pages, the games, the shows, the runs, the showers, the forums, the-

It was 5AM when he fell asleep on top of the hardcover, paper crinkling under his cheek.

At least the nighttime was quiet. 

-

Nathan woke up to mum bringing the hoover in his room. 

She was angry.

She had told Nathan to get up so many times now.

Why was he trying to make her angry on purpose? Did he really want to ruin his short visit at home? 

The hoover banged into the walls. Too loud. Why was she in his room? 

Nathan had no idea what was going on.

He had been asleep. 

-

From Isac: _ yo I miss ur face _

From Isac: _ wanna go watch lim play footy next week? _

From Isac: _ nat _

From Isac: _ Natty Patty _

From Isac: _ heyyy? _

From Isac: _ did you get lost somewhere bb :( _

From Isac: _ Miss you xx _

-

Nathan’s hands felt numb. 

Mum was visiting her friend.

Nathan went back to sleep before the dull, distant tightness in his chest could scare him more.

-

Nathan could hear his mum emptying the dishes, and his body tensed up before he even registered the context or what he was hearing.

If someone ever said that dishes clinking together couldn’t be a pointed, passive-aggressive sound, they clearly hadn’t lived in Nathan’s house. 

Fuck. 

His mum sighed, loud and long.

Why hadn’t he taken care of the dishes? He had been hiding in his room, doing his own thing... But the banging of the cupboards clearly told him that he had missed something. Mum had wanted him to do something. She was already angry.

_ Don’t come here. Don’t come here. Don’t come here - _

Nathan’s mum banged into his room, face screwed into the ever familiar distaste; holding back the explosion of seething energy she carried.

“It would be a lot nicer if we all contributed to this household, you know?” she said snippily, standing in the doorway, blocking it. Not that Nathan could’ve left anyway. Where would he go? How angry would she be if he tried to leave? No. She probably didn’t even consider it as an option, just like Nathan didn’t. Over something so petty, nonetheless... He’d seen worse than these last few days. Maybe he had just forgotten how it could feel, and couldn’t no longer handle it as well. “I understand you’re on a break from uni, but you can’t just do nothing. On your bloody phone all day.”

Maybe reading and comics were nothing to her, but it was everything to Nathan. 

Maybe texting his _ friends _ was nothing to her, but it was _ everything _ to Nathan. 

It irked him. “I’ve not been doing nothing. Just because you can’t see me do something, doesn’t mean I’m not. I’m _ reading _ on my phone, not just sitting with it, and I’m doing course stuff, too. It’s _ not _ nothing.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” she huffed. Nathan really, really didn’t know. “This place is a complete chaos and you just expect me to take care of everything?”

“C’mon mum, it is not a chaos,” Nathan sighed, shoulders up to his ears, tense in defence. It really wasn’t chaos? At least Nathan didn’t think so. But... Maybe the full dishwasher and some mugs in the sink were a chaos? Not hoovering was chaos. Sauce on the stove was chaos. 

Nathan’s whole body was telling him to just freeze, stay put, _ quietquietquiet, _and stop existing. 

Maybe she’d leave him alone then. Maybe she’d forget, not notice that he was there.

_ ‘“Mummy,” Nathan cried. His face was snotty and wet with fat tears, Husky was squeezed tight to his chest. “Mummy!” _

_ Nathan didn’t feel nice. _

_ It was so loud. Why was dad leaving again? _

_ “Not now, Nathan!” mum said. She wasn’t looking at Nathan. She was loud because dad was mean. _

_ Why not now? Why not? _

_ Nathan was sad. A bad feeling. Why was mum not helping? Why didn’t she make it stop? _

_ Nathan wanted a hug. But not really. That’s why he had Husky. Mum didn’t hug when dad was being mean. She was loud. A loud hug wasn’t nice. _

_ Where did dad go?’ _

Shutting down wasn’t an option. It _ hurt. _

He had to move. He had to join in on the cleaning. Not later. Not in a bit. It had to be now, did he feel like it or not. And because he didn’t feel like it - felt like he’d rather do absolutely anything else - that must mean his mum was right. Nathan was bad. He was selfish. He didn’t want to make his mum happy. Oh god, why was he like this? “What did you want me to do?”

Nathan pushed himself up from the bed, body tense, even though he had to pretend that he was happy to help.

“I shouldn’t have to tell an adult what to do,” she scoffed, snagging a plastic bag from the door knob as she turned away from Nathan. “You should know by now, you’re not stupid.”

This again...

“Just... let me know, and I’ll do it,” Nathan said, following her into the kitchen. The dishwasher was open and halfway filled, dirty cutlery and plates still in the sink. 

Nathan pushed his sleeves up and started to fill up the rest of the machine.

It was too tense and so uncomfortable. Every clink of ceramics rang around the room, and Nathan’s neck prickled. 

His mum was standing somewhere behind him, fuming quietly and -

“You can’t put the plates in like that!” she sighed loudly. Hovering, watching, almost as if waiting until Nathan did it wrong. Something always seemed to go wrong. Why was he so wrong? It looked fine! “It’s going to block the bowl! And it’s taking up too much space like that.”

“Hey- !” Nathan exclaimed in surprise, having to step back when his mum suddenly pushed in between him and the machine. Nathan frowned, something boiling in his chest as he watched her angry way of rearranging the stuff Nathan had put in. Nathan grit his teeth, finally snapping, “Why do I even try to do it if it’s always wrong? You’re never happy with how it’s done! Just do it yourself then. You had already started, why didn’t you just finish it?”

_ Oh fucking dammit, Nathan_.

Why couldn’t he just shut up?

He knew he couldn’t win these things. He shouldn’t let himself get so upset. It wasn’t worth it. 

Why had he opened his stupid idiot mouth?

“You two would just love that, wouldn’t you?! Leave everything to me while you sit on your arses! The free maid will take care of everything!”

Nathan threw his hands up. The same things, over and over again. It was insane. It was. 

Wasn’t it?

What did she want from him?

What could he have done differently to make sure she didn’t have to stay upset?

There was always something.

No matter how he tried.

Hoping she wouldn’t follow, Nathan walked back into his room, eyes watering. 

He didn’t like how he was feeling. He felt angry, but not angry enough. Not really, truly angry. It was so distant. So dull. Fake.

He _ was _ angry. He just didn’t _ feel _ it. And maybe that was good, because Nathan didn’t want to be angry. 

He didn’t want to be like mum.

Bloody wuss, he was. Always crying about everything.

“You’re so selfish sometimes!” she called angrily after him, dishes clanking, too loud. “I didn’t raise you to be like this, I really didn’t. No one cares about how I feel!”

Too loud. Too loud. Too loud.

“You’re just like your father!”

And then dad came home from work, and she spent the next forty-five minutes yelling about all the things she couldn’t stand about the useless, disgusting man.

But that was ok. Better. Sort of.

At least she wasn’t talking to Nathan anymore.

-

From Nathan: _sorry izzy my battery was dead!_

From Nathan: _Yesss I really wanna go see Liam play! when?? _

-

"Nathan, where are you?"

"In my room."

"Ohh, why are you always there? Come here, there's a movie starting!"

_Just leave me the fuck alone._

-

From Kit: _ How’s home? :) _

From Nathan: _ The same. I’m just reading my old books. :P _

From Kit: _ Lil nerd _

From Nathan: _ Isn’t your work something to do with computers? Nerd. _

Nathan actually felt bad for not knowing. He probably should know by now what Kit did for a living. He hadn’t asked, he’d just figured, based on what he’d heard in conversation.

Maybe this was why people didn’t think he was interested in spending time with them… He was too busy thinking and obsessing over all the tiny little details he noticed, instead of actually asking the people themselves. 

He took too much in, yet not much at all came out.

Too busy worrying about himself.

Selfish.

Yeah. 

Fuck, he sucked.

From Kit: _ Okay fair. Can’t really get much nerdier than web design. _

From Nathan: _ Is that like coding and shit? _

From Kit: _ yes, coding and shit describes it perfectly loll _

From Kit: _ I do a lot of programming but I’m mostly in it for the graphic design _

From Kit: _ I’m trying to learn more design stuff on the side now. Wasn’t brave enough to become an art ho and go to art school like I really wanted :’( _

From Nathan: _ You’d have been a great art ho _

From Nathan: _ What did you study then? _

From Nathan: _ Wait. When did you graduate?? Isn’t Iz older than you? Or did you just not do masters? _

From Kit: _ Thank you _😌🎨

From Kit: _ my fuckin god if Isac’s been saying he’s older than me again i’m gonna end him _

From Nathan: _ lolll, yeah? He calls you and liam babies all the time _

From Kit: _ bitch calls everyone babies, and he’s literally only two weeks older than me!!! _

From Kit: _ >:(( _

From Kit: _ I did Web Development and IT. Didn’t do masters because I got a really good placement in my second year and they hired me by the end of it. Was no point going back to uni when they offered a full time deal. 🤷🏻‍♂️_

From Nathan: _ Whattt! Wow that’s so cool! _

From Nathan: _ You must be really good! _😱🤓 

From Kit: _ hahah, I’m alright. Learned a lot since then and I haven’t started to hate it yet so… success? :9 _

They messaged back and forth a little after that, but very sparsely. Nathan had felt weird faking the easy tone in the messages when he actually just wanted to… 

He didn’t even know what he wanted to. Sleep, maybe?

Mum was telling dad about his bad habits again, her tone revealing that she’d be yelling again soon. 

She hadn’t tried to talk to Nathan after the fight earlier in the day, and Nathan could physically feel the tension in the house. 

It would be exploding soon enough, no matter how he hid. 

Maybe that was why he finally broke his promise not to burden anyone else with this. 

From Kit: _ when did you say you are coming back, Saturday? Still wanna hang out? _

From Nathan: _ yeah, not until Saturday :( I’d rather be home already but I already have my train ticket. _

From Nathan: _ could do something on Saturday? Unless you’re busy _

From Kit: _ not busy! Liam has practice in the morning but other than that, all free _

From Kit: _ Awh, only a couple more days! When was your dads bd? _

Nathan was amazed Kit remembered these things. Like, he must’ve actually paid attention to why Nathan was going up to his parents, instead of staying home for the reading and exam weeks?

And… He probably now thought that Nathan was a complete dick for wanting to leave before his dad’s birthday dinner…

From Nathan: _ tomorrow :( _

From Kit: _ why “ :( ” ?? _

Nathan chewed on his lip, biting too hard and getting a metallic tang on his tongue.

From Nathan: _ It's going to be a dinner out. I don’t really want to go, already know they’re just going to fight _

From Nathan: _ they’re fighting rn too _

And then it just… came out. 

Nathan regretted it already, even as he was still typing it.

Why did he think it was a good idea? What was the point mentioning it? 

From Nathan: _ mums angry with me because I didn’t fill the dishwasher right… _

Oh god, that sounded so bloody stupid written like that. So childish. Like a joke.

But… Nathan didn’t know how else to say it? How could he ever explain the depth of the tension and anger, when it was over things like _ this _. 

It was so out of proportion. 

But maybe Nathan was just being too sensitive. Mum had every right to be upset, even if it wasn’t nice how she spoke when she was angry.

From Nathan: _ I don’t know if she really even likes it that I’m here? But she’s always been like this so i dunno _

From Kit: _ Always been like how? _

From Nathan: _ just… angry? She yells a lot. At my dad mostly, but at me too. It doesn’t usually even make sense. I mean, I feel like it doesn’t? She can go on and on about unfolded laundry and stuff like that. I don’t know. I don’t get how it’s possible to get so angry about something so little. _

From Kit: _ That doesn’t sound nice, I’m sorry. _

From Kit:_ I know you just wanted to relax for this break... _

From Kit: _ When you say she yells, what do you mean? Does she call you names? _

From Nathan: _ not really. She’s pretty rough on dad tho. Like really nasty sometimes. It’s not great _

From Nathan: _ but she doesn’t really talk like that to me _

From Nathan: _ at most she just says I’m selfish and inconsiderate and shit like that _

From Kit: _ Does it happen a lot? :( _

From Nathan: _ I mean… when doesn’t it happen lol _

From Nathan: _ It’s always like this at home. _

From Nathan: _ Here-home I mean, not when I’m at uni. Then they just fight on their own and I try to not get involved when my mum calls me _

From Nathan: _ She’s literally screaming at dad in the living room now so. Yeah. _

From Kit: _ What about your dad then? _

From Nathan: _ nothing really. He just ignores her. It’s pretty one sided. He never even tries to do what she says._

-

Half an hour later and she was still going.

Nathan ignored it.

It was like a familiar background track.

From Kit: _ You know. Calling you selfish and inconsiderate is calling you names if she uses them as insults _

From Nathan: _ I don’t think she means it tho. She just gets upset and it’s not fun to listen to. _

From Nathan: _ I kind of just want to be in my room to stay away from it but that’s probably not that nice of me. Should try to help around a bit more so she wouldn’t have to get angry all the time _

From Kit: _ But don’t you already help around? _

From Nathan:_ Well yeah _

From Kit: _ Then ? _

From Nathan: _ I dunno. I guess I could do more._

-

Something banged in the living room. 

And the next thing Nathan heard was his dad’s clipped, pissed off tone. His words were too low to hear from Nathan’s room.

That didn’t matter. The words didn’t matter. 

His dad rarely broke his silence when Nathan’s mum was going at him. 

It was never good when he did.

Mum’s voice was shrill and too loud. Too angry. Too aggressive. 

“How dare you speak like that?! After doing nothing but stare at the TV and take up space?! Leaving shit wherever you go, spending all our money and never doing anything to help out here?!”

Nathan stood up, phone clutched to his chest, wide eyed and something painful thickening his throat. 

He quietly walked out of his room. He didn’t know why, but he felt like he had to. Maybe he could make it stop? 

God, the neighbours must’ve heard this by now. They probably heard it all the time… Years. It had been years of this.

It was humiliating.

When Nathan got to the living room, his mum was red in the face. 

She threw the stack of magazines from her hands, the heavy paper smacking loudly against the floor as she kept screaming. 

It didn’t make sense. She was so angry. What had they done this time?

Nathan’s dad stood up from the armchair, ignoring his wife like she wasn’t even there. 

Husband. Wife. Those words felt foreign and gross to even think about. They were just meaningless words with negative connotations, used as insults. 

There was no way these two didn’t hate each other.

Why were they still living in the same home? Year after year after year.

Dad looked at Nathan, blue eyes hollow, yet full of what seemed like anger as well. 

“She’s crazy,” he said, walking past Nathan. 

And nothing else.

Nathan watched as his dad put his shoes on, car keys in his hand. And he watched how mum followed him to the front door. 

She kept screaming. 

And screaming. 

And screaming.

And when the door clicked shut after dad, she was screaming at the door. Violently slamming it, _ open and closed, open and closed, open and closed, _ the sound hurting Nathan’s ears. 

When the lock finally clicked shut from her efforts, she stormed back in the hallway.

“Why does he get to leave?! Like this is all my fault?! He’s the one who keeps spending all our money! Why is it always me who has to deal with these things?! Those are not my bills, but he won’t even look at them! Why is it my responsibility to fix his messes?! I should just leave him to drown in his own shit, see how well that’d go!”

Nathan was so conflicted. 

He was also scared, probably, but he felt frozen in place.

Where had dad even gone? Why had he left Nathan here with this? 

He always did, though. 

Nothing mum was saying was untrue. Dad had messed up a lot with money. Other than work, he really did just sit in front of the telly, ignoring everything. He did leave a mess too. Nathan knew that, because he always tried to clean after him so mum wouldn’t be as angry when she came home. 

She was right. 

But what she was doing was… it wasn’t… 

And what else could Nathan’s dad do? It was so nasty, so mean, what mum said to him. It wasn’t okay, but it was _ truthful enough _ \- But it wasn’t; but it was - but dad still couldn’t speak up.... Wouldn’t. 

And when he did, things escalated, just like they had now.

Mum felt out of control. More out of control.

She was still screaming, banging the doors and saying how she was done, how that disgusting shit of a man would not be living here anymore. She was going to pack his things and he’d be gone. Again. 

Like she had said and decided before. 

The sports bag swiped all the decoratives to the floor when she threw it on the coffee table. Little candle holders and the family of tin elephants clinked as they flew all over the living room floor.

“Mum!” Nathan tried, some too strong emotion choking him. “Mum, c’mon. Please, just, put that away…”

“Of course you’re taking his side! You’re always taking his side! He’s so much better than me, isn’t he?! Never says anything and is such a fucking angel! I’m the monster here, even though I’m just trying to make sure we have a roof over our heads!”

She was almost crying now, mostly out of anger. The anger always remained. It was now directed at Nathan. And Nathan…

He needed to get away.

Like his dad, Nathan just wanted to disappear. 

But where? 

He had no car, couldn’t drive even if he did have one. No friends here. It was pouring rain outside and it was already late afternoon, the streets dark and the shops closing. 

He was stuck. Again. Like he had always been, growing up. There was no way out. It would be overreacting. He couldn’t leave. He was blowing this up. He couldn’t leave.

Couldn’t stay. 

Couldn’t leave. 

Have to get out. 

Oh god, please stop -

“- it is just so disgusting! Neither of you care about anything but yourselves! No one helps me and then I’m the bad guy when I get angry!”

“Please, mum - ” Nathan didn’t feel in touch with his body. He felt cold and empty, like he wasn’t even there. And somehow he was also angry, wanting to lash out and fight, he wanted to _ explode_. But he couldn’t. Nathan watched the way his mum’s familiar, livid eyes glared at him. She wasn’t listening. “Don’t yell, okay? You don’t have to yell -”

“Then leave! Both of you, go away! If I’m so damn horrible, I know I’m a shit mum! Just leave then- Like your dad! Run away! Leave all of this on me! I don’t even want to deal with it -“

She kept going. 

On…

And on...

And on.

Nathan wasn’t sure if he had made a conscious decision to do so, but some ten minutes later, he was standing outside in the rain, phone in one hand and his half empty backpack in his other.

-

“No. I’m coming to get you, okay? Go to a cafe, or inside a mall. Just wait somewhere out of the rain, and I’ll come.”

“Kit, no. It's a four hour drive here,” Nathan pleaded, teeth chattering no matter how he tried to hold it back. “It’s fine. I promise it’s fine. I don’t even know why I called, it’s always been like this…”

“That’s not really making it sound any better,” Kit said. His voice had a low echo as it came through the speaker. “Okay… Nathan. Listen. Are you listening, love?” 

“Yeah…” Nathan said, voice quiet and shaky. The streets were dark and wet, the wind icy as it clawed at his bare neck.

“Do you want to stay there? Do you _ want to _ go back, right now?”

_ I want to go home. _

_ Where is ‘home’? _

He had lived in that house most of his life. Yet it was making him feel sick even thinking about going back right then. But he loved his mum. She didn’t really have anyone else. She’d be devastated if he left like this. 

But...

“No,” Nathan admitted quietly, voice thick and warped. His heart was doing something fucked up, and the rain was mixing with the tears that finally spilled over. Leaving had never been an option before. Could he really..? Was that… Nathan squeezed the phone in his fist. “K-Kit… I- I wanna leave? I need to- I don’t want to... I can’t- anymore? I can’t, I c-can’t… I just can’t- I want to leave?”

His voice sounded like a little child’s even to his own ears. Weak and questioning, as if he was asking for permission. From Kit. To leave. 

Nathan was an adult. Why did he need permission from anyone? 

Why had he called?

He had called Liam first, too, but he hadn’t picked up. At work. At practise. Isac was at uni. Evening meetings. Can’t bother him. Could he call Kit? They weren’t that familiar. He shouldn’t.

He shouldn’t.

He shouldn’t have.

“Nathan. Darling.” Darling? No. He wasn’t. This was bad. Right? What Nathan was doing was bad. What kind of son was he, leaving his mum like that? Crying and upset? She was angry, yes, but Nathan could’ve stopped it. If he had just… maybe if… “You’re okay, you’re good. I’m going to leave right now and I’m going to be there in no time. I can’t wait to see you, okay, love?”

_ Darling. _

_ Good. _

_ Love. _

These endearments were so unfamiliar. Sweet words for a sour person. They felt almost sickening, landing on his eardrums. 

Nathan wasn’t good.

He knew that.

He knew, because he heard himself say,

“O-okay. Yeah, I’ll- I’ll send you the address.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very difficult chapter for me to write.  
Not just because of the topics, but also because I wanted to have a balance of past memories and the present, and the good and the bad (How it's not all black and white/bad person vs good person). This turned out to be really challenging as the chapter only covers about a week of time. I'm still not sure if I was able to involve enough to show the depth etc, but… Yeah. A week is a short time to try and show a lifetime of experiences and conditioning. Especially when there is a child’s developing mind in the mix. 
> 
> Hopefully it still illustrates at least some of the WHYs of why Nathan is, feels, and acts the way he does in the current day. Not that even Nat himself can pick up on a lot of these. Yet.
> 
> I know this is written a bit differently style-wise but I hope you like it. As much as a chapter like this can be liked.
> 
> -
> 
> Need support with past or ongoing abuse? Need someone to talk to? 
> 
> UK: [Information & Support](https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/all-types-of-abuse/)
> 
> US: [Information & Support](https://www.bpdworld.org/helplines/usa-helplines.html)
> 
> [Helpline Masterlist](https://codedredalert.tumblr.com/post/109005732295/helpline-masterlist)
> 
> <3  
-
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all staying safe, wherever you are. 
> 
> The real world is a scary mess right now, so I hope that there's some comfort and escape here. Some angsty aftermath in the beginning, fluff towards the end.<3

KIT

Kit could see Nathan through the fogged up window. It wasn’t raining anymore but the air was heavy with humidity, the streets dark and wet. There were only a few other people about, the traffic sparse and most of the shops already closed some hours ago. 

Kit parked the car in front of the cafe. 

He jumped out and, avoiding puddles, jogged to the door. Aside from a polite nod, the baristas paid Kit no mind after they saw him head straight to the occupied table by the window. 

Nathan was staring at the tabletop, eyes unfocused, and the cup of tea by his elbow was so full it was clearly untouched. His hair looked like he’d been out long enough to get drenched. It was now dried into messy clumps, sticking out in a way that revealed how Nathan must’ve been running his hands through it. 

Kit slowed to a stop when he reached the small table, suddenly unsure where to go from there. He’d been focused on reaching his destination as soon as possible, what came after hadn’t really been clear at any point.

“Hey,” Kit said carefully, not wanting to spook Nathan. 

Yet he ended up doing exactly that.

Nathan startled, knee knocking into the bottom of the wobbly table, his tea miraculously not spilling before Kit rushed to grab it. 

He put it down once Nathan settled the teetering table, 

“Sorry! Sorry, hi,” Nathan said, scrambling to stand up.

Kit looked at him for a moment but Nathan didn’t say anything more. He was quietly focused on pulling his damp coat back on, and then the strap of his bag over his shoulder. Nathan turned to Kit, after, and while pushing his wild fringe off his eyes, he smiled a little. 

The same small, lopsided tilt of his mouth that Kit had seen before, increasingly, the more time went on. Nathan’s eyes looked tired, but not necessarily any more than usual. They were red rimmed though. And… 

That was really the only clue confirming that Kit hadn’t imagined the way Nathan’s voice had been thick with tears when he had called? 

It was...

He seemed… fine? 

Nathan was quiet, but he smiled at Kit. One side of his mouth ticked up, familiar. He was avoiding eye contact, but when was he not? 

He even nodded at the baristas, a little awkwardly, as they passed on the way to the cafe’s door.

Kit followed, hesitantly licking over his lips as he regarded Nathan’s posture and the way he was moving.

He seemed _ fine_.

Normal. 

Like nothing had happened?

It made Kit feel really nervous; wrongfooted and unsure of how to… what to…

There was no way he was fine.

The streets were still just as wet and dark, full of icy puddles reflecting the streetlights. The air felt colder after the short moment inside, and by the looks of it, Nathan was already shivering. Kit jogged the few short steps to catch up with him, and then silently gestured towards the car once he was by his side.

Kit had left home in a rush, but he was glad he’d had half the brain to grab an extra jumper on his way out. It was the first thing he reached for in the back seat, _ after _ he had made sure Nathan was inside the safety of the car and the heating was turned on.

“Here,” Kit said, offering the jumper to Nathan who had tucked his fingers under his arms to warm up. His coat was a bit damp, just like his hair, and Kit really just wanted the lad to feel comfortable. It was just that… “Uh, I know it’s mine and the scent’s, like, all over, but… I mean, the car will heat up in a bit, too, so it’s not -”

“Thank you,” Nathan said, cutting Kit’s rambling off with a gentle, quiet tone. 

His eyes flicked up to meet Kit’s for a short moment before he took the jumper. He shrugged his coat off, and then pulled Kit’s jumper over the thin button-up he had underneath.

Kit swallowed and, not trusting his voice, only nodded in response. 

Man, what else was he supposed to do?

The whole car was full of Nathan’s scent now, and it was already mixing up with Kit’s and his mates’. It was all _ cold outdoors _ and _ rainwater _ and _ despair _ and _ omega_, and it was filling Kit’s brain with urges to just wrap Nathan into his arms. 

And he couldn’t. 

Wouldn’t.

Nathan was curled against the passenger side’s door, fists inside the pulled down sleeves as he gazed out the window. He was leaning away, even the seatbelt he’d tugged on after the jumper looked uncomfortable in his position.

“You could sleep for a bit if you feel like it?” Kit suggested, fingers tightening and relaxing around the wheel. The heater was humming, but with the car still parked, the silence felt heavy between them. Kit found himself tensing up, but with a quiet sigh he made sure to shake that from his shoulders. 

There was no way he was going to add to the stress of this situation.

“Yeah, okay,” Nathan said.

Okay.

“You good to go?” Kit asked, biting on his lip. Nathan shrugged, still facing the other way.

“Yeah.”

Right. 

Great.

Kit bit back another sigh, reeling in his own concern and uncertainty. Maybe Nathan just… needed some time to process? Some time to feel like he could drop his defences.

Because that was all Kit could see, all over him. 

Nathan was pulling away, hard. Withdrawing and shielding himself so he could… _ hide, _ probably.

And even though it _ fucking sucked _to be on the receiving end of all that, Kit really hoped it wasn’t something he should be taking personally. It didn’t make sense for that to be true; Kit couldn’t think of anything he might’ve done to cause such a cold reaction.

Yeah. 

It had very obviously nothing to do with Kit, no matter how his own insecurities and unsureness insisted on it. In Nathan’s mind, it was Nathan against everything else in the world right now. The best Kit could do was to be there for him when he felt grounded enough to drop his walls back down.

Or at least that’s what Kit thought this all meant. It was hard to tell.

Nathan could be so damn hard to read.

The anxiety in his scent, however, was blatantly obvious. Even though it was driving Kit insane, and even though it was blowing that scent right into his lungs, he didn’t turn the heating off. 

Jaws clenched, Kit started the car, reversed, and then turned left to head towards the motorway. 

\- 

It took some long quiet hours driving in the dark, before Nathan sat up from where he had been curled towards the door.

The motorway was pretty deserted, and other than the occasional headlights of passing cars, the night was pitch black. Kit had turned the nighttime radio on low to keep himself from getting too sleepy, and it was now playing acoustic covers of the latest hits. 

Kit wasn’t sure if Nathan had actually slept, but his eyes did look tired when Kit glanced away from the road to check on him.

“Alright?” Kit asked. 

He got a distracted, distant hum as a reply, but it was accompanied with the sound of Nathan’s phone being turned back on.

Ah, yeah. Right.

That explained the lack of contact attempts from Nathan’s parents. Kit hadn’t even thought of this… It had been hours already and they’d be home in half an hour or so. 

But. Had Nathan told anyone he was leaving? 

Did anyone even _ care _that he was leaving? 

This... could be interesting.

Kit frowned in concern, glancing at Nathan again when the phone screen casted a dull light in the car. 

From the moment the phone was back online, it kept buzzing. An insistent call came through right away. Then the growing row of text notifications. And then a call again. 

And again.

And again.

And again. 

Nathan looked like he couldn’t see or hear any of it, even as he stared right at the lit up mobile.

“Is it your mum?” Kit asked carefully, watching Nathan from the corner of his eye as he drove.

“Yeah,” Nathan said, voice quiet and stretched thin. He finally moved, thumbing at the screen until the texts opened.

Kit heard the harsh way he inhaled, looking through the messages.

“She says she didn’t mean to yell,” Nathan said. His voice was lifeless, too monotonous to read his emotions from it. Kit found himself frowning harder. “_‘Where are you? Where did you go?’ _ ” Nathan read. “_‘You can’t just leave like that, not without telling me where you are going. I’m going to worry, you know that! _’” 

Nathan’s brows pressed together. “I texted dad, so he knows I left. And what does it matter, she’s the one who told me to -”

Nathan shook his head, jaws clenching as he grit his teeth in frustration. It was the first sign of proper emotion he had shown this whole time. 

“Do you know if your dad got your text?” Kit asked, fingertips subconsciously mapping the texture of the steering wheel. It was oddly soothing.

“He did,” Nathan sighed, bringing one hand up to rub his eyes. God, he looked exhausted. “He replied: _ ‘good’... _ And that was it.”

Kit hummed, trying to keep his own tone relaxed. They were nearing the inner city, there was more traffic now and Kit slowed down to match the speed limit. “As long as they know you haven’t just disappeared, yeah?”

“Yeah...” Nathan said, still scrolling through his notifications, looking more distraught with each one. “I just… I don’t get it?” 

Another new text popped up on the screen. Nathan sighed before growling quietly under his breath, clearly distressed.

“Why is she- She didn’t kick me out for real, I don’t think... But she told me to leave and- I don’t know, I don’t... I just left? I took my stuff and left?” 

Nathan had said most of this already, on the phone when he had called Kit earlier. He had sounded so shattered, out of breath and _ panicked, _ his tearful voice thick as it traveled through the speakers: _ ‘I just- I just left. Oh god, she’s going to be s-so angry. Kit, what do I even _do?’

Nathan wasn’t crying now, and even though he was finally showing some upset, it was still under a tight grip, distant. The tense set of his shoulders looked almost pained and his hands were shaking around the phone.

“I know she cares, but when she’s like that… It doesn’t seem like it’d matter whether I tell her where I’m going or not...” Nathan said quietly after a short silence. “I didn’t even know where I was going. I just walked out. I’ve never had the real option to leave before, she probably didn’t even think that I would actually do it. I mean… Even _ I _ didn’t?”

Before Kit had the chance to worry about how he should respond to all of that, Nathan sighed heavily, and started to type.

“‘_I’m going back down. A friend is driving me.’” _

Nathan read out loud as he wrote, and then turned to look at Kit with his big, red rimmed, and questioning eyes. Looking for approval. 

Oh gosh… 

It was a terrible and strange conflict, to enjoy him leaning on Kit like this for support, while simultaneously feeling sad that Nathan seemed like he _ needed _ approval first, before trusting his own gut. Kit’s instincts needed to fuck off for a bit now, it wasn’t the time.

“Should I- does that sound ok? I know she won’t leave it at that…”

“Sounds fine, love. It’s letting her know what’s up, and that you’re safe and not out in the streets,” Kit said, hoping that his voice came out reassuring and calm. “You can always send another, after she replies.”

“Yeah,” Nathan said, nodding while frowning down at the phone. “Okay, yeah. That’s… Yeah.”

Briefly looking away from the road, Kit could see the hasty way Nathan tapped to send the message. He turned the screen off right after, and then dropped the phone from his hands. 

It started to buzz with a call almost immediately.

Nathan looked up at Kit in alarm, blue eyes shining in the dark, the headlights flashing past making them glow. Kit couldn’t help the low rumble that started in his chest in response.

“I- I- Kit? I don’t want to… I can’t talk to her right now? I don’t- ” Nathan was very clearly getting worked up and his scent spiked in a way that punched Kit right in the gut. 

The phone ceased its buzzing, only to start up again.

Feeling the distress in his own body too, Kit leaned into the steering wheel to check the street and the side of it. He flashed the indicators on, waiting for the driver behind them to pass, and then swiftly pulled up at the first bus stop to come along.

Kit could hear the shallow, hitching way Nathan was breathing, and the damn phone wouldn’t stop vibrating.

Kit left the indicators on once he had them parked safely. Right away, he loosened his seatbelt and leaned towards the middle, arm lifting to accommodate Nathan who was already curling in.

That reaching out was probably instinctual on Nathan’s part, but it didn’t really matter in that moment. Kit curled his arm behind Nathan’s shoulders and lifted his chin so Nathan had more space where he had just pressed against Kit’s chest.

“I don’t want to...” Nathan said again. Whined, really. It was an upsetting sound, and Kit didn’t even try to stop the rumbling sound growing in his chest. 

“You don’t have to. Hey… If you don’t want to, you don’t.” Kit pressed his palm against the middle of Nathan’s back, feeling the erratic beat of his heart and the minuscule, silent purr of distress. God. Liam really hadn’t exaggerated how tiny that was... “Texts are enough. Or you can call her later. But now, she doesn’t need that access to you if you don’t want to give it.”

“But… I- I have to? She’s… She’s _ mum. _And she’ll be so upset!” Nathan said urgently, long fingers of his one hand clenching around his phone, knuckles white. His other hand had found its way to the lapels of Kit’s jacket. “It’s going to be worse. She’ll- she’ll just… I don’t want to… She'll be angry?”

Oh, god.

Kit pressed his cheek against the side of Nathan’s head, palm soothing over the expanse of his back. He could feel Nathan’s stuttering breath on his skin and the citrusy scent of his anxiety was filling up the car.

“She might be angry, but you’re allowed to walk away from that, too,” Kit said, the mess of Nathan’s hair tickling his face. He didn’t move to brush the wild strands aside, instead he just hugged Nathan even closer. Kit really wished he could just pull the distress from Nathan. 

When he continued, Kit tried to tread with caution. He didn’t want to step over any lines, and he was unsure what Nathan was able to take in, in this state, “It’s okay to be angry, of course it is, but being too aggressive, or abusive... That’s… You don’t have to tolerate something like that, not even from family.”

Nathan swallowed around a whimper. “It’s not… She’s not- she’s just angry? Not- not, like… She doesn’t mean it?” Nathan sounded dazed as he spoke. Confused and as if he was doubting his own life-experience.

“Nathan. I’m sure your mum loves you, I’m sure she cares. But… What you told me earlier? It’s still not okay what she did, how she was with you. Or with your dad. You shouldn’t feel afraid or too anxious to stay in your own home.”

Nathan was quick to pull back. It was just a small distance though; enough that he could stare up at Kit without Kit’s arm moving from his shoulders.

“She hasn’t hurt me! She wouldn’t!” Nathan looked desperate as the words rushed out, he even tilted his chin up to look Kit directly in the eye. Kit could feel that eye contact all the way down to his chest. Nathan looked terrified. “She never has, Kit. S-she’s not… She’s not abusive? She wouldn’t hurt me,_ ever. _”

“Love…” Kit breathed out, watching the scared little child who was shining through Nathan’s eyes, desperate to defend his mummy. It was devastating, punching Kit’s insides with something way too vicious and burning. “Just because it’s not _ physically _ abusive, doesn’t mean it’s okay. You’re hurting, right now, aren’t you? And that’s just as valid, even if it’s invisible.”

Nathan was quiet for a little, repeatedly swallowing around unspilled tears.

“I don’t know… I’m...” he then said quietly, tensing when the phone in his hand came back to life again. They both ignored it. “I’m not sure.”

“I don’t think you have to know,” Kit started softly, running his hand up to cup the back of Nathan’s neck. The shiver that caused was instantaneous. “You don’t have to know anything right now. It’ll take time to sort these things through, and what I, or your mum, have to say on this, means next to nothing. Okay? Because I can only say what I see, based on what you’ve told me, but only you know what’s right for you. If you need time to think, you should take as long as you need.” 

Kit wouldn’t push Nathan on this, no matter how he himself was reading this situation. It was his first instinct to protect, but this wasn’t really up to Kit.

Yeah.

Only Nathan knew what had happened and what it really meant for him. Even if understanding those memories from an objective viewpoint could take some work.

Slowly, Nathan leaned back in, and Kit could feel the hesitant way he nodded against his throat. The small movement was enough to coax goosebumps awake all over Kit’s skin.

They were quiet for some time, sharing warmth from their bodies while the car’s indicators clicked in the background. The quiet melody of an acoustic guitar was just barely there, skittering lightly under the hum of the heater and the running engine. 

Nathan sighed. 

“The way she speaks to my dad is really nasty,” he said finally, breaking the silence. He paused, and then shifted so he could rest his forehead on Kit’s shoulder. It bared his neck even further for Kit’s touch, and Kit wasn’t sure if he had ever been as careful as he was now, caressing Nathan’s offered skin with the tips of his fingers. “And- and I hate that her words have gotten in between me and dad. We don’t talk, at all. We’re not really in touch, and I’m just… I don’t even want to?” 

“Like… if my dad just fixed the things mum keeps starting the fights over, maybe she wouldn’t yell as much? But I know that’s not fair… How can I feel like it’s _ his _ fault that mum says all those mean things? I know that’s so shitty of me! I can’t blame my dad for how awful mum gets, but it’s… it’s just frustrating! And I can’t stop it! It all turns on me too, usually. Dad just stonewalls her, which is just as shitty! But when she can’t get through, it’ll be me getting yelled at, next. And even though she never says anything that nasty to _ me _ , about how I look, or sound, or _ exist, _like she does to dad, she’s still so... Angry. She’s so fucking angry.” 

“I just… I don’t understand it? How can someone… How can it be so emotionally charged for her? It doesn’t make sense? Who screams about hoovering? For three hours? It can’t be that important, that can’t be the real reason... It’s not normal… Right? Is it normal? Do people explode over dirty napkins, or tea mugs, or not taking out the trash? Does it really matter that much? It’s- It doesn’t make any sense! But I just… I can’t tell if it’s justified or not. She’s so smart. She’s so good with people and she can be really funny and clever. So- so _ rational! _ Until it’s those dirty fucking plates! Or my dad having the telly on too loud. Then it’s the end of the world, and it’s every day! Always! Ever since I was old enough to start remembering things! I- It’s- It can’t all be in my head!”

Nathan was out of breath by the end of it, and when Kit tilted his head down a bit, he could see the shifty state of Nathan’s eyes, the whites of them flashing as he watched something play in his mind.

The pain of this all was so obvious on Nathan. The confusion, the frustration, _ the fear… _

It was making _ Kit _ angry. And that, of course, was the last emotion they needed in the mix right then.

“Fuck...” Nathan sighed, shaking his head and pulling away as he sat back up in his seat. His cheeks looked heated even in the darkness of the car, and with a distracted hand Nathan tried to rake his fringe off his eyes. His eyes, which were very carefully avoiding going anywhere near Kit now... “Sorry. I didn’t… That was… Sorry.”

Yeah. 

There it was.

It was almost audible, the way Nathan pulled away after revealing something he clearly deemed too risky to share. 

_ Click-Snap, _and his whole body shuddered into stillness. His breathing went quiet, and he curled back in and away against the passenger side’s door. 

Kit felt like something was breaking apart in his hands, and he could do nothing but watch it happen.

Nathan looked so tense and bothered, annoyed, even. Everything about him suddenly screamed_ ‘Leave me the fuck alone!’ _and Kit didn’t know if that was what he should do.

Kit had to remind himself again that Nathan _ most likely _ wasn’t upset at him. This wasn’t about him, just like it hadn’t been about him earlier. Kit hadn’t done anything wrong, but the situation was a confusing mess. The way Nathan was reacting didn’t have to make sense just now, it was his defence against the situation. 

Kit could only try to understand and be there for him; he wasn’t going to hold something like this against Nathan right now, no matter how uncomfortable it was.

“Hey,” Kit said, ignoring the baseless apologies Nathan had rushed out. Maybe directing their attention to something else would… Well, at least give Kit some time to get a better grasp of this. Whatever this was. “What do you want to do, when we get back?”

Nathan just shrugged, dully indifferent.

“I don’t know,” he said quietly, looking out the window, hands tucked under his arms and his phone in between his thighs. His shoulders hitched up a little after he said it, as if he was shielding from something he… expected to happen now?

Okay.

“That’s okay,” Kit said, glancing at Nathan, as he got them back on the road. Kit felt so utterly helpless with all of this, and driving felt like the only real thing he could do now, to feel even a little bit in control. “Don’t have to decide yet. I’ll just drive to yours and we’ll go from there, yeah?”

They didn’t go from there.

At least, not immediately.

Kit parked outside Nathan’s some ten minutes later, the car too silent without the engine and the radio on.

Nathan’s body was still telling Kit to leave him the fuck alone. 

Kit was feeling more and more like he had done something wrong. But Nathan also wasn’t saying anything, and everything was just tense and strange and agitating and…

Nathan’s whole body language was cold and turned away, and Kit couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding.

“D’you wanna be alone?” Kit asked carefully, even though it went against all of his… everything. Sure, this was uncomfortable, and, sure, this was confusing, but Nathan’s was very clearly hurting. Kit wasn’t going to make this about himself. “That’s okay, if it’s… If that’d make you feel better?”

Nathan’s eyes snapped up at the words. 

There was only a fraction of a second where a genuine alarm and distress flashed all over his face and… 

It was immediately clamped down. 

The shift was so quick that Kit could’ve just imagined it. The calm and eerily expressionless mask from before was back on, but now Kit could recognise that that’s exactly what it was. A mask.

Kit still didn’t fully know why Nathan felt like he couldn’t… show his true feelings- his true _ self, _ but… After what had happened today, he was starting to get an idea.

“Um… You can go if you want?” Nathan said, eyes down now, staring at his own knees. He sounded so- _ easy. _ Nonchalant, and so collected. If Kit hadn’t been in the loop for what had gone down, he probably would’ve bought it. Nathan was so hard to read to begin with, but especially now. “‘m fine. Just gonna… have a bath and, like, sleep. It’s fine.” 

It wasn’t fine.

It was terrifying. 

How many people had Nathan ‘fooled’ into thinking he was fine, just because he _seemed_ _fine? _It didn’t even look like a conscious decision: it was most likely a natural reaction for him. 

Natural _ now, _ but no doubt learned from experience... 

When someone silently broadcasts a loud _ ‘leave me alone’, _ people typically leave that someone alone. Yet here Nathan was, having revealed in that short moment of fear in his eyes, that he was stressed out by this short exchange they’d just had. Scared to be abandoned. Hurting. Alone.

That must be what he had learned to expect.

Maybe he had learned to avoid getting hurt like this? Unwilling to wait for people to leave - to turn their backs - when he needed support. This way he could take control of that decision himself. _ ‘You can go if you want?’ _ was ‘an out’ for Kit, but more so it was a safety-net for Nathan. He was _ allowing _ Kit to leave, instead of waiting for him to just disappear. 

It seemed like self-sabotage too, in a way, but perhaps it had become crucial for Nathan to function.

It was all but a hunch. Kit could be completely wrong here, but he decided to trust his gut. 

“I don’t _ want to _ go, Nathan,” Kit said, very clearly, while watching the way Nathan’s fingers twitched where they were now pressed to his thighs. “I don’t want to, but if spending some time alone makes this easier for you, then I will. I’m not going to lie and say that I’m comfortable with leaving you alone right now, but I’m also not _ you. _ You know what’s best for you, you know what’s going to help. If me going will help you, that’s _ okay. _ That’s perfectly fine, love, and I won’t be offended. I will worry, yes, but I just want to make sure you’re comfortable.” Kit sighed, rubbing his hands over his knees, before saying, “But please, don’t try to push me away just because you think I don’t want to be here. I _ do _ want to.”

There was a lot of hurt in Nathan’s eyes now, despite the way he was trying to keep his expression blank. 

He seemed a little startled, caught out even, and Kit could see him swallow.

“I’m not very fun to be around, though,” Nathan said, voice wavering ever so slightly. 

“That’s okay,” Kit said. “It doesn’t have to be fun for me to want to hang out with you.”

Nathan frowned, hard. 

And then his eyes were finally brimming with tears.

_ Oh god. _

“Love -” Kit started, but Nathan cut him off at the same time.

“I don’t want to be mean,” he said, too fast and his voice thick. And… What?

What?

When had Nathan ever… How… _ What? _

“What do you mean?” Kit asked, confused and worried, in high alert because of the wetness clinging to Nathan’s lashes. Kit’s body was readying him for action; to defend his imprinted omega and himself, but there was nothing physical to fight against. His chest felt tight, Nathan’s anxiety like a chokehold around his windpipe. “Why’d you be mean? You haven’t been mean?”

“But I made you feel bad,” Nathan rushed out, voice wobbling, and when he blinked, the tears spilled over. “I didn’t- I tried not to… But I made you upset. I-I didn’t… I didn’t want to make you upset.”

Kit had to pause to try and wrap his head around that. 

He... couldn’t?

“I’m not upset _ with _ you,” Kit said slowly, frowning. Gosh, he just wanted to reach out and pull Nathan back into a cuddle. “I’m upset _ for _ you. I’m upset and worried because you’re hurting, and I wish that’d never happen. But I’m not- _ angry, _or feeling bad because of anything you’ve done, or said. Okay?” 

Nathan’s throat was working and he was shaking his head, shoulders tense and rising up.

“But… You’re still… I made you feel bad,” he said, voice small and unsure, and fuck, if that wasn’t breaking Kit’s heart all over again. 

“How I might feel is not your responsibility,” Kit said gently, tilting his head lower to get a better look at Nathan. He was using his sleeves to wipe his cheeks and chin, his throat bobbing as he held back any sound. “And it for sure doesn’t make you _ mean, _ if seeing you upset makes _ me _ feel something. You’re allowed to be upset, it doesn’t make you- _ bad…_” Nathan? Bad? In what bloody universe? “And I’m allowed to feel worried and upset, because I care. Right?”

It took a long stretching moment, but finally Nathan nodded. 

“Not bad,” he said quietly. It wasn’t a question, more just a spoken out loud thought.

“Definitely not bad,” Kit confirmed. And he would repeat that every day, if that’d help Nathan to actually believe it.

Fuck. If Nathan really did see himself as _ ‘bad’... _

Kit didn’t even know what he’d do, that just broke his damn heart to even think about.

Instead of words, Kit released his seatbelt, and got out of the car. 

The air was cold outside and it was drizzling, the little droplets clinging to his jacket in the short time it took him to round the car. From inside, Nathan was following him with his eyes, sleeves damp with tears that just kept coming. 

Kit opened the passenger side’s door, and, uncaring of the rainwater instantly seeping through the fabric of his jeans, he kneeled on the wet edge of the legroom.

It was an awkward and uncomfortable position, the water dirty and freezing, but Kit paid it no mind. 

“C’m ‘ere,” he said softly, accent thickening into crooning drawl, while his chest still rumbled in that instinctual response to the distress. 

That was enough to have Nathan leaning in, his arms wrapping around Kit’s sides and his face pressing back into the dip of Kit’s shoulder.

On the side of his neck, Kit could feel how the cold rainwater mixed with Nathan’s tears.

-

There was a warm body tucked against Kit’s chest when the dim morning light got strong enough to coax his eyes open. 

Nathan’s flat was still relatively dark, the sun not up high enough to cast anything more than a soft hue into the cozy studio. The sheets were warm and the pillows soft, and Kit hummed as he sleepily breathed in the lovely scent surrounding him. 

“Morning,” Nathan said quietly, voice raspy from disuse. Kit found himself tightening the loose hold he had around Nathan’s back, and then squinted one eye open to look down at him.

“Mornin’,” Kit yawned. A small smile started to curl on his lips when he saw the way Nathan had pressed his face into Kit’s shirt. He looked very cuddly and sweet. And like he hadn’t slept a wink... “Did you sleep at all?”

Nathan grumbled, rubbing his cheek against Kit’s chest before blinking tiredly up at him. It was obvious that he had been crying, probably during the night as well. Kit pouted a little, and then carefully moved his hand up to pet Nathan’s hair from his forehead. 

“Not really,” Nathan said, eyes closing with a weary sigh as he leaned into the touch. “Brain wouldn’t shut up.”

“Hm… Did you sleep in the car?” Kit asked, watching how Nathan’s dark hair tufted out wildy from the gaps between his inked knuckles. Nathan’s cheeks were starting colour, and based on the way he shifted to hide his face a little, he was very aware of it.

Nathan shook his head, butting his temple against Kit’s palm and closing his eyes. Like a little cat. _ Gosh... _ “Don’t think so. Maybe? But it made me feel more tired anyway, so… Just- Can’t fall asleep.”

“Well,” Kit said, feeling quite overwhelmed as he watched his own fingertips trace over Nathan’s features. His cheeks were definitely flushed pink now, the skin warm under Kit’s touch. “There’s no plans for today so we can just rest, sleeping or not. D’you wanna stay here or head to mine?”

Kit couldn’t believe he was actually here. Actually able to share space like this.

For the first time in weeks, Kit’s body and mind felt a little closer to being back normal. 

More settled. Quieter. _ Right. _

This all felt rather luxurious, despite all the nastiness of what had happened the night and the evening before. Nathan fit so nicely against Kit’s side and chest, and his scent? God. Kit felt almost lightheaded after spending the night right in the middle of it.

Laying in Nathan’s bed, wrapped up with the omega himself, as well as the sheets and the duvets… It was like a drug to Kit’s instincts. He was completely submerged into Nathan’s scent, while Nathan stuck to his side like a little bur. 

That hug last night seemed to have broken some invisible barrier that had held Nathan back. 

Well, sure, he was still very cautious and uncertain. At times he seemed almost too shy, but it was a big shift to how Nathan gravitated towards Kit now. It was as if he had given himself the permission, after confirming Kit wasn’t going to run away screaming.

Nathan leaned into every touch, and more than once Kit noticed Nathan’s whole body shivering, goosebumps skittering up his arms and the back of his neck. He didn’t stray too far, either. Last night he’d even taken his shower in a record time, before quietly and a bit awkwardly circling back to Kit’s side.

Not that Kit was any better. Nor did he mind it in any way.

At all.

Kit didn’t even try to hide the strategic way he cuddled the lad; tucking his nose as close to the source of the lovely scent as possible. And because Kit didn’t try to hide it, as a reward, he got Nathan crowding even closer, nuzzling his face into the dip of Kit’s throat.

Tired, and with bruises forming under their eyes, they hauled themselves from one flat to another. Nathan decided in the favour of migrating to Kit’s, which, of course, was an unnecessarily big egoboost to Kit’s alpha... 

It was more out of practicality, than whatever the hell his caveman brain was boasting. 

Nathan’s flat had barely any food in it as he hadn’t planned on arriving so suddenly. Luckily Liam or Isac had gotten some groceries the previous night, so they were able to have a proper breakfast.

And that was pretty much it, before Nathan passed out on top of Kit on the pack’s living room couch. 

Isac had already left for uni and Liam for his team physio before Kit and Nathan had showed up. Now the flat was peacefully quiet, warming up with the rare winter sun peeking through the grey clouds. 

Nathan’s hands were freezing even with the way they were loose fisted and tucked against Kit’s belly. The lad was all curled up, his knees pressed against the back of the couch and his face hidden against his own forearms. He was the cutest sad lump Kit had ever witnessed, and he had to really focus on keeping his stupid pleased rumble under wraps. Nathan was finally sleeping, and Kit’s alpha needed to chill with the noises that could disturb that.

Kit felt a bit helpless under the weight of his own feelings and instincts, but it wasn’t necessarily stressful or scary. Not anymore.

It was just… a lot.

Carefully, hands gentle and the touch light, Kit pulled Nathan’s hood better over his head to shield his eyes from the sunlight spilling further into the room. 

Nathan barely reacted, only his fingers twitched a little.

For the next two hours he remained completely oblivious to the world. Even Isac entering the flat didn’t pierce through Nathan’s sleep.

“I thought you had something ‘til two?” Kit asked quietly, watching how Isac walked straight from the door into the living room, shoes still on and all. His face was pink from the cold outdoor air and the fabric of his jacket was cool to the touch when Kit instinctively reached out for him.

Isac had a small furrow in between his brows and he was quiet with the way he kneeled by the couch. His eyes were worried, still a bit worn out so soon after his heat, and he took in the hoodie-covered bur curled up and attached to Kit. 

“I was able to swap the meeting slot with someone. I’ll do mine next week,” Isac said, pressing a kiss on Kit’s wrist when he brushed his thumb over Isac’s cheek. Kit could definitely feel the urge to scent his mate, even if it was just with small touches. It was no wonder, after such an emotionally intense night. 

“Izzy?” Nathan hummed, voice sleep thick and low.

“Hi,” Isac said softly. He reached out to carefully tug on the string of Nathan’s hoodie. “Sleep well?”

“Uh-huh,” Nathan mumbled, twisting around a bit to see the rest of the room. He rubbed his eyes before blinking up at Isac, squinting against the sunlight. “When did you get back?”

“Just now,” Isac said, and...

He _ leaned in. _

And when Nathan ever so slightly tilted his chin up, Isac pressed a sweet little kiss on Nathan’s lips. Like that was something they just… did?

And it happened right _ there. _

The two of them? All over Kit’s lap? 

Kissing?

Kit had to swallow down hard. 

Like? Yeah, Isac had mentioned that something had gone down between them the day before Nathan had left. And, yeah, Isac had been a bloody tease about it, only _ hinting, _ and being a pest in general, all smug and knowing… But he hadn’t _ confirmed _ anything, his too-tempting scent having revealed more than what he had actually told them in the end. 

Of course he hadn’t said anything meaningful, he loved riling Liam and Kit up just like this. Isac knew damn well how the way he had said they needed to talk about something, _ soon, _was enough to spike their curiosity. Especially companied with the way he had been scenting when he came home.

Of course he would keep something like _ this _ to himself, just for long enough that he could use it to fluster Kit... 

And now Isac was smiling, a soft little thing Kit was pretty sure he’d never seen before. Kit didn’t even want to know what his own face was doing at that moment. 

Most likely exactly what Isac had hoped for it to do… God, Kit loved this fucking terror.

Nathan’s shoulders started to hitch up along the light kisses Isac pressed onto his lips. For once it wasn’t an anxious reaction, and instead Nathan was trying to contain the obviously pleased, sleepy rush, as his cheeks turned slightly blotchy with colour. He looked so warm and cozy, a little shy, yet obviously happy about it. About _ the kiss. _Oh god. 

How was Kit going to survive this? 

How had he ever even thought he could survive this?

“Oh,” Nathan said, breathily, when Isac sat back. And then, with a spreading smile as he looked up at Isac, “Hi.”

“Hi hi,” Isac said, fond crinkles settling into the corners of his eyes. 

Kit couldn’t stop the bloody rumble of his from building up, the instinctual reaction rolling to life from somewhere really deep inside his chest. 

It was obvious enough to attract two pairs of eyes on him. One set already teasing, the other a lot more unsure. 

“Hello to you, too,” Isac said, his grin as sharp as the look in his grey eyes. Which should’ve been enough to warn Kit about his next move.

It really, really, should have...

Isac’s mouth was hot against Kit’s own and the kiss was instantly one of those amazingly filthy ones. 

Kit inhaled sharply through his nose when Isac bit down on his bottom lip, proceeding to swipe his clever tongue over the sting right after. Kit couldn’t help his automatic responsiveness, because...

Isac was, quite literally, giving him a taste. 

And it was working a little too well. 

_ Dangerously _ well. 

“Iz,” Kit growled, the cautioning warning obvious in the low tone. It took a lot of willpower for him to completely still his body. Especially when Isac kept teasing Kit’s mouth, lips curled into a smirk as he kept pushing his luck. And he was really pushing it now. “_Isac._” 

That, luckily, finally did the trick. 

Not that it showed.

“I’m sure you can handle it, Kitty,” Isac all but purred, pulling back, and then dancing away when he saw Kit’s pupils blow even wider at his words. He snorted at Kit’s darkened glare, tongue peeking out from between his teeth. With a shake of his head, Isac said to Nathan, “I’ll go change, yeah? Be right back.”

With that, he was already off.

Fuckin’ hell.

Just…

Fuckin’ hell.

Kit could already hear Isac moving about in the bedroom, accompanied by his own pulse drumming in his ears. It felt ridiculous, but Kit couldn’t stop himself from running his tongue over his kissed lips. 

It wasn’t like he could really…

Just… Fuckin’ Isac. 

Yeah. _ How _ had Kit ever thought he could handle two omegas? Specifically these two omegas? How? 

Was he delusional?

Clearly he was, and it was only confirmed by how embarrassingly easily Kit’s focus was captured by Nathan. By Nathan, who very carefully turned to press his face against Kit’s belly. 

Kit’s brain was going to shut down at this rate. _ Fuckin’ hell _ was the only coherent thing he could rant in his head.

Nathan’s arm was even slower to move, but little by little he curled it between Kit’s back and the back of the couch, tentatively hugging Kit’s middle.

“Um… t‘s okay?” Nathan’s voice was small and nervous, very obviously on the edge of sleep again, and muffled by the way he was hiding his face to ask.

Okay? _ Okay? _

More than okay.

_ Holy shit _ how okay this was. All of this. All of what had just… All of _ that. _

It was -

“Perfect,” Kit said, well aware of the sappiness of it, and smoothed a gentle hand oh so carefully over Nathan’s hood. “Wanna nap some more?”

“Mh-” Nathan started to say, before a yawn broke through his attempt. The arm around Kit tightened for a moment, before falling slack. “Yeah. Just for a bit?” 

Kit just hummed, quietly watching how the rhythm of Nathan’s breathing slowed. 

When Isac returned, he had raided the closet again and was now wearing one of Liam’s newer jumpers over his own joggers. The jumper was massive on him and he had rolled the sleeves to keep them from hanging over his hands. 

Nathan didn’t move an inch. Not even when Isac paused to nuzzle his face against the side of Kit’s, before carefully squeezing himself in between the back of the couch and Nathan. 

“Did Li say if he’s gonna be back right after the physio?” Kit asked quietly, watching Isac snuggle into the little space by Nathan’s chest and his own hip. 

“Yeah. Bet he’s gonna cut it short, too,” Isac whispered. He then purred, content, when Kit slotted their fingers together, hands resting lightly on Nathan’s shoulder. 

Kit didn’t know how much time had passed when he stirred awake, blinking his eyes open and subconsciously turning to nuzzle his cheek into Liam’s palm. 

Liam scritched over Kit’s scruff with the tips of his fingers, and then nodded silently when Kit’s relaxed state confirmed the unspoken ‘_all good for now’_. 

Liam’s blond hair was damp and curling behind his ears, revealing that he had already showered. Sleepily Kit wondered if he’d done that at the club, or had Kit really been so tired that he hadn’t woken up to the flat’s pipes jumping and humming.

It didn’t really matter now. The flat was a safe place and Liam only added to that security. Something finally settled inside Kit’s mind when he watched Liam sit down on the couch with them.

It was a bit of a mission for him to squirm under the two conked out omegas’ legs, but in the end Liam managed without waking them. His dimples were digging in hard when he leaned his head against the backrest, turning that helpless smile towards Kit. 

Relaxed into deep sleep, Nathan remained resting on Kit’s lap long into the afternoon. 

That almost nonexistent, inaudible purr kept rolling from his chest.

_END OF PART ONE_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part One of Close Your Eyes (I Need to Feel Seen). 
> 
> Thank you every single one of you who has been reading, commenting, messaging, and even just thinking about this story. I don't think I would've been able to finish this without your supportive messages. Especially these last two chapters were pretty rough for me. The previous one because of the content, and this last one because of the current situation we're all in. 
> 
> This story doesn't end here, I still have lots I want to write for Part Two! I wanted this Part One completed so we can all breathe more easily :') but also because it wraps up the themes I wanted in well. I have a post on my Tumblr explaining this more in depth, if you're interested. 
> 
> I will be writing, but to avoid pressure, and disappointment, I don't want to say anything about future updates yet. 
> 
> Let's all focus on staying safe for now, and, from the bottom of my heart, thank you. xx
> 
> -
> 
> https://coldercreation.tumblr.com/


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